You're a pampered celebrity. What are your bizarre demands?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Not only must I have organic everything , but I insist, nay demand, that all food be shipped in from my personal organic farm - grown, of course, on my discustingly picturesque English estate (a la Sting and Trudie Styler). Private chef goes without saying.

My two Cavalier King Charles Spaniels must be allowed to accompany me wherever I go. They must be fed only in silver bowls with their darling little names engraved on them. Their collars by Harry Winston . They will be carried through mud, rain and snow by a handsome Scotsman in a kilt (who must have cute knees). The dogs will be washed weekly by Martha Stewart (only because I believe she would do a damn good job).

I must have Sumatran coffee, Jim’s Organic Breakfast blend and Jamaican Blue Mountain in equal parts. If the coffee tastes like swill then the offending party will be eviscerated forthwith. This also goes for substandard Earl Grey Tea. Bring me the dreaded Twinings or perish the thought, tea bags (gasp!) and you die. Must be loose tea brewed to perfection. I need to smell the bergamot people!

I would like all my clothes tailor made by Ralph Lauren, Isaac Mizrahi, Chanel, Prada, Yves Saint Laurent, and Burberrys. My robes must be silk. My slippers of the bunny variety. My bras and underwear by Agent Provocateur .

Anyone heard calling me “m’aam” will be tarred and feathered in the presence of my adorable dogs and entourage.

Uh, I’m sure there’s more, but I’m becoming insufferable. I always knew I’d do “heartless, obnoxious diva” well! :smiley:

22

I must never, under any circumstances smell coffee. Any building I go to must be made free of coffee before I get there. This includes cappacino, expressos or any other clever name you can come up with.

Anyone using the phrase “bling bling” will be immediately sent to the dungeon. (which will be installed in the basement of my mansion)

23

Keen’s Cheddar and Marmite sandwiches on white King’s Mill bread cut into triangle sandwiches, should be available at all times. A cute female masseuse and martial arts expert would be my bodyguard, and 5 lawyers called bob would handle any requests/needs I might have.

24

http://www.petitiononline.com/TanMM/petition.html

25
  • Copious quantities of ginger peach tea and non-Starbucks coffee to be available at all times.
  • Excellently made deviled eggs to be available at all times, and none of that sweet pickle relish nastiness, either.
  • Anyone trying to fob the abominations known as American cheese or Velveeta off on me shall be summarily hanged by the thumbs in the dungeon.
26

Ooh–who needs threesomes when there is this!

A rota of assistants must greet me with the phrase, My God you are stunning! each morning. They must sound like they mean it, too. They are allowed to alter the phrase to lend sincerity to the sentiment.

I want no hassles when travelling from place to place–make that so, please (I believe in courtesy, don’t you?).

Hair dresser on call at all times.

Someone must run my errands for me-- I loathe errands.

Housekeeper, gardener, chauffeur, accountant (an honest one, please) and an attorney–oh, and a personal shopper.

I’m rather low key at this…

27

Among other demands, I want my own personal flosser.

28

My henchmen and henchwomen will surround me, garbed in tasteful outfits. They will bring me beverages and such before I ask for them.

I will have private movie screenings to which a very few lucky people may be invited.

No disparagement of books, tv programs, music, and foods that I enjoy will be permitted in my presence. Infringment of this rule will merit severe discipline.

Someone very good at backrubs will attend me just before bed each night.

I will have a special servant who not only procures for me ice cream, but also peels out that little seal.

Toothpick duels both staged and spontaneous will be required. I won’t even insist on always winning.

29

I demand that you pretend that you have no idea of who I am. :wink:

30

I’m a bit more specific: 1,000 brown M&M’s in a brandy glass.
And absolutely no eye contact. I will interpret that as a challenge.

31

A team of newsreaders. Their job will be to read a steady stream of newswire stories on the topics that I chose and then give me a steady feed of the basic information, with the ability to provide background should a story catch my interest. Assigned topics will be rotated so nobody feels neglected.

A LAN network connecting every room, plus people on hand to play a variety of games, both cooperative and competitive. Being better than me is perfectly all right, but any l33tspeak and I’ll have you shaved, neutered and dumped naked in the middle of Siberia.

Foosball, one Tornado table, one old-school. Absolutely no spinning.

32

I was invited to go back stage at a Grateful Dead concert (and I am not even a fan) and was duly impressed…they had a regular carnival back there…rides, hot dog stand, candy booth, petting zoo, games…and this was at Madison Square Garden! I was told it was for the kids of the crew, but it looked more like the crew was having the most fun.

My list:

Diet Coke with ice cubes made from ice carved from ice found 1000 feet under the Antarctic.

Pillows made out of virgin hummingbird down.

Skippy Super Crunch peanut butter, without nuts.

M&M’s, hollowed out and re-filled with Belgium chocolate truffles, and then hand painted with gold leaf to spell DMark on each.

Oh…and several large bodyguards to protect me from the people who supply my list of demands.

33

All in all, a massage on demand sounds very nice.

A carpenter on call at all times. Amazing the stuff I am incapable of doing. A cooking instructor as a cook.

Of course a Parrot Whisperer to handle Onan.

34

A “furries” petting zoo might be good. Also dare I ask what a “Parrot Whisperer” means to Paul in Saudi I presume he doesn’t mean a guy who talks quietly to Parotts.
And the Masseuses from Emanuelle 2 would be great.

35

Hummingbirds are the sluttiest birds around. (Where do you think the term “hummer” came from?) Where do you suggest we find virgin hummingbirds?

36

My personal demands are simple. However, the SDMB tells me that it is unable to handle a document this size. Please send a courier over to pick up the document.

37

Actually, I believe that’s exactly what he means. Onan is his easily-startled pet parrot (he’s a seed-spiller).

38

I will hire Scott Boras (A-Rod) as my agent.
Brooke Burke will be my personal assistant on call 24/7. Skimpy or skin-tight clothes will be the offical dress code.
My driver will be Danica Patrick. Skimpy or skin-tight clothes will be the offical dress code.
Racheal Ray will be my personal chef, but she will keep her mouth shut. Again skimpy or skin-tight clothes will be the offical dress code.
Snoop Dogg will record all my outgoing messages (voice mail, answering machine, etc…) Fo’ Shizzle, my nizzle!
I will hire NFL linemen as bodyguards. They will all be military trained and heavily armed.
I will have a standing bounty on the head of Carrot-top, dead or barely breathing ONLY.
I will have available at all times Iced Green Tea with Ginsing & Honey.
I will eat real cheesecake only, none of this cream cheese or jello crap.
I will have dark chocolate at hand at all times.
I will have Skybox seats for every Redskins home game.

39

First off - my entourage will consist of people wearing masks that obscure their faces while on duty. Yes, I want to be surrouned by faceless minions. Perhaps they’ll even be numbered: Minion i, pi, e, lambda…

Secondly, I will be provided with fresh, dry aged steak wherever I go, and a nice grill for the cooking. No need for a cook, I’ll take care of that myself, thanks. Of course I will have my minions take care of cleaning up after my dinners. No more dishes for me.

I think that’s all. Steak, and minions. What more does one need?

40

I will make up the third of the Pampered Tea Drinkers on the thread. Earl Grey for me, please–wait a minute, what the hell am I saying “please” for?!

Just assume I’m adding please, thank you, excuse me, etc. at the appropriate times, since I’m not going to bother to actually say them anymore.

The complete 18-episode run of “It’s Your Move” will be remixed, restored so it’s not in those muddy 80’s video colors, and released on DVD, priced reasonably enough so that the world will see its brilliance.

Jason Bateman’s current series, “Arrested Development”, will run for ten more seasons on the new revamped Mehitabel’s Fox cable channel, right before new episodes of ‘Firefly’, 'Wonderfalls", and ‘Action’.

I will be followed by a burrito-maker who will carry the finest ingredients from the best chefs in Mexico around with them. Same with the ice-cream truck and Chinese and Italian chefs; only the freshest and most succulent morsels will touch my lips. Damn, girl. (whoops! channeled Smoove B for a second!)

In order to counteract the effects of the previous demand, my personal trainer(s) will be on 24-hour call, in the gym where the locker room’s jacuzzi is bigger than my current apartment.

One floor of my gigantic Sutton Place brownstone will be a guest room for my parents; another for my brother and his wife and baby (complete with Tiffany silver baby rattles, etc.); two more for my friends or any other assorted relatives; one floor for my library and game room, the remaining five for me–wait a minute, make that two brownstones side by side.

When I grace a Broadway show with my presence, I will sit in the fifth row of the orchestra with aides sworn to total silence surrounding me to my side and back. In front of me I will donate all the seats to poor, short children. Make that poor, short, mute children. Michael Cerveris and/or Karen Ziemba must be in every musical; Sir Ian McKellan or Faith Prince in every drama.

Whenever Steve Jobs introduces another really cool gadget, he will deposit one into my waiting arms as soon as he walks offstage.

I will arrive in my personal skybox at Yankee stadium on the subway–but in my own parlor car, like Augustus Belmont.