By whatever impossibilities you care to postulate, you find yourself trapped in the DC comics universe. Swiftly you find yourself penniless and starving, as you don’t legally exist in this world and, even if you did, your technical skill are over a century out of date so you can’t get a job.
But there is one thing: you know who Superman, Batman, Green Lantern, & so forth are in their off hours. Who do you out, and why?
I don’t know that I would - I LIKE the superheroes on the whole, and wouldn’t want to cause them problems…especially since I might need them to save my ass next time I’m caught in a supervillain attack or alien invasion. (On that note…I stay way the hell away from Gotham City and think hard on whether Metropolis is the right place for me.)
If I decided to go into supervillain mode, though…
Well, I wouldn’t go to the papers, I’d go to their enemies.
The enemies of Batman. (Presuming this is pre-pseudo-death, or post Return.)
Luthor wouldn’t believe me if I told him about Superman, and of the others, Batman’s the one with a secret ID that a significant number of his enemies don’t know, and who’s got enemies who are likely to pay well (in human currency) for his ID. Besides, I don’t like him.
Wouldn’t go the usual auction route…choose a few to approach, personally, and offer it to them. Auctions would only draw the attention of the Bat and his enemies who wouldn’t be good business contacts.
I’d go to Bane, the Falcones, and Penguin. Ones I can trust to keep their end of the bargain, who have the kind of funds to make it worth it.
I guess he probably does - I never read Knightfall, but thinking about it, the plot kind of requires him to, doesn’t it - but he doesn’t act like he does, recently…but the only time it came up directly was just after his death, and Bane was being cagey, so…
And having multiple possible customers would drive up the price - ‘well, if it’s only worth a million to you, Mr Cobblepot, I guess I can see what the Falcones are willing to pay…’
You’re just a human from Earth Prime - which is probably interesting enough to get someone from STAR Labs to want to have a look at you, but… People from other universes don’t actually differ that strongly from the same species on New Earth - you’ll differ slightly from your local double, but not significantly in any way that would be interesting to a researcher.
Considering that Bats is the one most likely to hurt you badly I definitely would not choose him. Hal Jordan is a major league a-hole I’d be tempted to choose him but his rogues are powerful and known back-stabbers, no. Captain Marvel is the person I’d out, hell the whole brady bunch of them.
In Astro City, a minor hoodlum happens to see the local Spiderman proxy changing into his civilian clothes. He finds out his identity, but as he starts pondering the many ways he could exploit his valuable information
he realizes that most of the villains who might be interested in his info would actually beat it out of him and kill him afterwards. He decides to skip town.
In my case, I would probably try to exploit my knowledge by photographing Batman & Robin in their civvies, and selling them to a cheap tabloid. They’d probably find a way to discredit the photographs post facto, leaving me with at least a bit of money to live on.
If we had to pick one to out, I’d probably go with Supes. It would be the one identity worth the most to the media, and he has higher ethical standards than to beat someone into the ground. He’d be disappointed, maybe even angry, but I figure he’d just make Clark Kent vanish and either be Supes full time or else find a new identity somewhere.
The problem with that plan is, with all the publicity and money from the media circuit, you earn the attention of the villains whether you want it or not.
I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or not, but, hey, they were fooled just as much as the rest of the world. They thought they were dealing with Clark Kent, and Superman showing up was purely coincidence.
At least that’s what the super-hypnosis will tell them.
I’d just contact Oracle. It’s not hard to do, and if I survived the brutal beating, I’d be set up for a trip home as soon as she contacted the JLA.
Oracle: Barbara Gordon, the former Batgirl (yes, the one from the 60s TV show), who was shot by the Joker, and is currently wheelchair bound. That Oracle exists is a rumor. Who she is, is all but unknown. But she knows everything. I’d explain matters to her, talk a bit about Belle Reeve, and point out that it’s safest for everyone if I get home. Because I know everything. From Alan Scott to Zatanna Zatara. And all it takes is an accidental hiccup or a mind-reader, and everyone’s screwed.
I’d still say Batman. He’s not actually nearly as nasty as he pretends to be, and he’d have the resources and the interest to help me. It’s not like he’s just going to beat somebody up or kill them just for being there: he has a very strong code of honor. Also, he’d know he’s not going to kill anybody, and he’d quickly figure out I know the limits of his threats and that I have no intention of screwing with him.
Me, I just want a guided tour of the Watchtower. Preferably by Batman or one of the Green Lanterns.
Why do I have to commit blackmail? At worst, I’m a homeless vagrant wandering the streets with some apparentlly delusional beliefs. What, I can’t find a mission somewhere that’ll give me a meal and a cot for the night until I can contact social services? All I have to do is feign amnesia and since the authorities won’t find any record of me, I start over. Work manual labor until I can get an identity card and a GED, and from there it’s life in a version of America that differs only in the occasional cataclysm.
If you didn’t out, or attempt to blackmail any heroes, just make your way to the nearest STAR Labs, DMA office, or whathaveyou, and tell them you’re from an alternate universe.
After confirming it - possibly by looking for Bleed energy on you, or the unique resonance of Earth Prime, or whatever - you’d be quickly set up with legal papers, and probably offered a job with Starrware or Wayne Industries.