The OP title has been said to virtually every single girl I’ve dated (not in my presence of course). And I’d be offended, if it wasn’t just so laughably fucking stupid. Why do people think this? Is it the belief that disabled life is just so thoroughly horrible and unliveable that any able-bodied person who willingly committed themselves to live in such a sub-par existence must be doing so out of compassion and a desire to make the disabled person able to feel even a modicum of happiness in life? As if they are sacrificing a better life in order to make their partner feel better.
Do they think that what motivates non-disabled people to date/marry, etc. someone who is disabled is somehow any different that what motivates two able-bodied people to do the same things? My girlfriend is actually the one who takes offense to these remarks. Her initial attraction to me had nothing to do with the wheelchair (or mistaken beliefs about my life in that chair) . It was, according to her, I was a very attractive man who was intelligent and could hold good conversation. In the time since we’ve been dating, her respect/attraction for me has only grown (she witnesses the things that I’ve always complained/ranted about before). Nothing has been sacrificed in her mind by her relationship with me. Our sex life is the best that either of us have had, ever. She is in no way my “caretaker” or nurse or anything in that realm. Even for couples where one does need some form of caretaking, I strongly believe that those couples should find a way to separate “partner” from “caretaker”, because it often makes the relationship turn into a nurse/patient relationship, which has a degrading effect on the romantic relationship/marriage.
Also, another suspicion I have is that many people see us together and assume we were already together before I became injured (because of course people in wheelchairs don’t/can’t date or attract a partner). Her being willing to stay with me somehow made her an incredibly good person.
I’d just like some feedback and opinions about this phenomenon. All opinions are welcome.
I prefer to think she’s a good person making a huge sacrifice.
Not 'cause the wheelchair, of course, but just on account of you’re you.
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I kid, I kid. Because I love.
Serious answer: it’s offensive and absurd. It assumes that a man who uses a wheelchair would have nothing to offer a relationship, or so little that her presence must be charity. That’s the obvious import of what they’re saying, and it’s reprehensible and odious in the extreme.
Fortunately there is a silver lining:they are saving you guys the trouble of discovering their true worth as friends by aggregating subtle clues over the years, like a racist who skips snide comments about “those people,” and goes right to the burning cross. You owe 'em thanks for their time-saving measures.
Dated a paraplegic. She was as independant as was physically possible, and hated to be pitied. She still does - We’re still in contact. IME, I got more crap than props. Maybe it was gender-based stereotyping (you’re taking advantage of that poor, helpless girl, you monster!), maybe it was just folks that resented I was ‘wasting’ my time on a woman as would likely never have children, maybe it was that when she was with me, we used handicapped access, maybe it was just assholes. Dunno.
All I know is we had fun together, and that we filled each other’s needs. I quickly grew a thick hide, and learned lots of creative ways to subtly tell people to mind their own business.
Interesting! The disparity in how you were treated and how my gf is treated is quite interesting. Worthy of it’s own discussion. But thanks for the post!
My immediate reaction to reading the thread title was to say out loud, “Oh God, that’s gross.” Not the most elegant sentiment, but it’s how I feel.
As I’m sure you are well aware, there’s just so much ignorance about people in wheelchairs and what they can and cannot do. It’s not an excuse, but maybe an explanation for why people say such stupid things.
The longer, more thoughtful reaction is probably that their empathy only takes them so far. They can imagine if they were your partner’s position, with very little actual information on your relationship, that somehow they would be sacrificing something. Sacrificing a better relationship or giving more of themselves than you would be, when the reality is that the relationship works very well for both of you and they are being ignorant. I suppose the choice is whether to disabuse them of their ignorance - is their friendship worthwhile, are they worthy people in other respects - or just write them off and move on.
I live in a multi-disability household now. My son is autistic. I think the strangest reaction I ever got about him was the comment, “he looks so normal.” It was so out of the blue that it took me a few beats to unpack that the speaker meant that she expected him to be visually damaged, sort of hunchback of Notre Dame I guess, because he is neuro-atypical. O-kay then.
My disability is neurologic and not visible. I expect my husband would get similar reactions to your partner’s, if people were more aware of how little I can do these days. For all I know he does, and doesn’t mention them to me. We’ve been together a long time now. Sometimes I have carried him and sometimes he carries me. That’s what a partnership is. Physical disability is just one factor of many in a relationship. In our case, and it sounds like in yours, it does not define our relationship. It just is.
I suspect sexism, mostly. “She’s a woman, so must be weak, and is further handicapped by her injury…” But that’s about as far from the truth as one can get.
I met her playnig paintball. Paraplegic or not, she remained an athelete even after her injury (full sever @ L4/L5). She is sneaky, and a damned fine shot. She also races, and has kind of a hippie sensibility to her, but one grounded in practicality.
I had my truck vandalized several times whilst using handicapped access, despite her placcard hanging in the windshield. I’ve had folks try to correct me whilst I was helping her with obstacles (working under her direction!), as if I was somehow a menace despite following the directions of the woman whom ought to know…
There were also people whom were amazed or appalled that she was doing so many “inappropriate” things. She even wound up getting some ink in various places for her paintball play.
Edit:
Mind you, this was thirty or so years ago - attitudes change. Sometimes.
I’ve said quite a bit over the years being the able-bodied partner to a disabled man. Yeah, the OP is right about the able-bodied woman getting all that sort of feedback.
Re: men having relationships with disabled women being the bad guy - women are still seen as nurturing caretakers by many, and men as predatory exploiters.
On top of all that, for the past six months I’ve had to deal with medical personnel who assumed I was the “home health aide” or “private nurse” rather than a relative, much less a wife. Because I guess middle-aged disabled guys with cancer can’t have relatives or something? MOST of the medical types didn’t act that way, but a certain minority did. How I refrained from punching them in the teeth I don’t know.
Then she’s sorely mistaken. If anything, customs and border lines take longer with me because I have to be taken and individually patted down (which got quite uncomfortable last time :eek:) My wheelchair and it’s parts must be searched too. And she may be using me for priority seating, if by priority seating she means being close to the restroom.
I think alot depends upon just how disabled a man is and if it will get worse.
I know one couple where he is in a wheelchair but he wasnt when they married. Back then he walked with a limp but still got around well and could hold a job. Now he cannot and is on disability so she has to shoulder more burden.
Um, no. I don’t even really understand what you’re saying here. But none of these people who make these comments to my gf have the slightest clue as to the nature/severity of my disability (other than seeing a wheelchair), much less whether or not it will get worse.
“Women sacrifice. We must make them saints.” Part of the sexist “pedestal” women get placed upon, IMO.
Yeah. Also, had my “Man Card” quals called into question more than a few times - Apparently, Suzanne was ‘low hanging fruit’ or an ‘easy pickup’ because she was somehow ‘desperate.’ The fact of her injury made her other in their eyes, and many people only saw her chair.
It’s amazing how your restraint grows, despite provocation. Again, they “othered” your husband. IMO, to their eyes he was no longer fully a human being, but more a ‘condition.’
I may be out there with this, but my first assumption on people making these sort of assumptions is that their experience with people in wheelchairs is more along the lines of Stephen Hawking and less along the lines of a bodybuilder who can damn well take care of himself in all respects.
Of the IRL people I’ve known in chairs, all but one have been in a situation where they needed a caretaker of some sort, even if not full time. The one who didn’t had a lower spinal injury, not a disease or higher injury, which enabled her to damn well take care of herself. She drove a convertible and tossed her own chair into the backseat. She’s an exception to the “rule” (as most people know, whether that’s from in-person encounters or TV, a heck of a lot of people have never interacted with others in wheelchairs), as I’ll bet you are in other people’s experience.
But the woman = caretaker and man = predator observation also makes sense. Again, I’ll bet people assume she helps you with way more than she actually does.
This would be Suzanne. The daily facts of her life were more workout than any gym, and she was a serious hard-body in her youth. She’s still pretty damn strong and capable, if not quite the force of nature she once was… but then, none of us are, are we?
