Opinions on a dating situation

In My Humble Opinion
1

I have recently met a guy at eHarmony, and from what I can see so far, he is unlike anyone I’ve ever met so far, one reason being he is in a wheelchair. He sustained a spinal cord injury a number of years ago (he is 53 and the injury was in '83). We are communicating frequently and I am quite certain this will lead to a real life meeting, sooner rather than later.

This leads me to my quest for information. I have never dated anyone with this physical condition. What questions should I be asking him? Likewise, what should I not say? What should I expect? Apparently he is quite independent. He said he is in an ultralight chair full-time. I did some searching last night and found information on sexual and continence “issues.” At this early stage, I don’t know what of these issues apply to him, or if all do.

Any resources out there I should know about?

I was initially reluctant to communicate with him because of the physical limitations. But in retrospect, I have had enough experience since I became single again to know that it’s what goes on behind the eyes and in the heart that matters, and it seemed very short sighted to eliminate him because of his physical condition.

Thoughts?

2

I may get flamed for this, but why date a guy in a wheelchair? There a lot men out there. Do not seek out one (that you have not met) who is all messed up. Move on before you get attached.

3

So you’re saying you didn’t read her last paragraph?

4

Jesus H Christ -
Not really going to flame you, but sometimes people look more at what a person is rather than surface issues …

If the guy being in a chair isnt an instant disqualifier, then kudos to her … but I understand your point of view too.

As to what to expect/ask - he is obviously with being in the chair, as he is in a ‘normall’ dating site instead of a handicapped oriented one [and with the internet beign what it is, I have no doubt that there is a handicapped specific dating site …]

Well, you might let him pick the meeting place, he will know all the good handicapped access ones. Someplace you like might have some facet that makes it difficult or impossible for him.

Otherwise, I would proceed like normal. You dont need to get into incontinence or sexual issues right yet, just see if you hit it off first. It may turn out that you might just have what it takes to be friends and not proceed any further than that, so his impairment or lack thereof isnt really needful. Just like if I am on a first date with a normal, I dont need to know he needs dulcolax or viagra … when the time comes to discuss it, then you can discuss it.

Though I would ask you this …

When considering what you are looking for … how important to you is sex? What if it turns out that you absolutely adore him, but the only thing he can do is oral. Will that be OK, or do you want a full on sexual realtionship? He may need some accomodation with positions, and be able to have sex but there is a very good chance he cant do anything but oral …

How important to you is if you do work out, you having to do a serious majority of the housework? People in a relationship now sort of expect sharing work …

I am sure you will handle things just fine. Good luck, and keep us updated=)

5

A rehab doctor who works with spinal cord injury patients once mentioned to me that many people in wheelchairs prefer it when people sit down to talk with them for any length of time, rather than standing over them, so you might want to keep that in mind.

Other than that, though, I think it’s best to just try to let him lead the way on any discussions about his disabilities, and what he wants to disclose about it.
I definitely agree that it is worth meeting this guy in person and seeing what you think of each other. The concerns about sexual functioning and continence are really not relevant for a first date (and, of course, such issues are things that can affect anyone, not just someone who has had a SCI).

6

If he’s been in a wheelchair since '83, he should be used to his condition (not necessarily content or anything, but used to it). With that, I would hope he wouldn’t be sensitive. He knows that he’s not average.

I think I would say, “I’ve never had a close relationship with anyone in a wheelchair and I don’t want to ask stupid questions or say the wrong thing. What should I be asking or saying?”

If he can’t handle this question, you don’t want to be involved with him.

7

If he’s been in a wheelchair since '83, he should be used to his condition (not necessarily content or anything, but used to it). With that, I would hope he wouldn’t be sensitive. He knows that he’s not average.

I think I would say, “I’ve never had a close relationship with anyone in a wheelchair and I don’t want to ask stupid questions or say the wrong thing. What should I be asking or saying?”

If he can’t handle this question, you don’t want to be involved with him.

8

Please reread my last paragraph as someone else suggested. It is key and cuts to the heart of what I am all about.

Thanks to everyone for your wonderful suggestions. I hadn’t thought of many of these things. We are talking by phone tonight, so I may have some questions answered and learn more about him. I am looking forward to it!

9

Great advice! I’m sure the last thing he wants is for you to be too scared to make a faux pas. Understandably, you may be a little less open about the sexual side of things. There’s some good info (and book recommendations) in this disability-themed Savage Love column. You can even email the guest experts with your questions!

10

These are very thoughtful questions. I will give them lots of thought if and when things proceed.

11

I love jsgoddess’ suggestion.

Also, many of the wheelchair users that I have worked with strenuously object to people touching their chair, leaning on it, whatever. Many feel that it is part of their physical being and, as such, deserves boundaries.

12

The only advice I have to offer is this: A date is not a marriage.

You really don’t need to know all of the personal details of every aspect of his life before you have even met him. Go meet him, and if things don’t work out, then the rest is irrelevant. If things do work out, then the appropriate subjects will come up of their own accord.

13

I would offer this:

He is also approaching this while wondering about you. We all come to the table with something, so I think you’d regret seeing this as a screening and ‘‘get comfortable’’ process wherein it’s all about you getting comfortable with him. Think about what is going on in his mind as he gets ready to meet you.

Outstanding that you decided to seek input, it can only help. Just remember, it’s two people meeting.

14

I am married to guy in a wheelchair and honestly have nothing to add to what’s already been said-most everyone had excellent advice. Treat him as you would any other date. My husband has no problem discussing his injury (car accident, 10 years ago) and would rather get it out in the open than have people feel uncomfortable around him. Also, a lot of your date’s physical capabilities will depend on how low his injury is and what was done to fix it. The lower the injury, the better. But that is all stuff for you to discover in the future.

BTW, don’t feel bad if you decide you can’t handle his physical limitations. My husband and I had been dating for 2 years before his accident so I happened to already be in love with him and the wheelchair didn’t change that. But I would totally understand someone who decides it’s not for them.

15

I think the only advice that applies to everyone in wheelchairs is don’t touch the chair. They truly view it as an extension of their body. So if you wouldn’t touch him, don’t touch his chair.

Other than that, treat him as you would anyone else. As others have said, don’t feel bad if the disability is a dealbreaker. It’s better to be honest about that than try to overlook it when you can’t.

Have fun! I hope you meet someone great!

16

「hijack」It amazes me how seriously people take a single date. It’s just a date!「/hijack」

To the OP, I wouldn’t worry too much about offending him. Just be open and honest and tell him you’re not familiar with his situation. If he gets uppity or shows more than a little bitterness, then move on.

17

Serious question: Does this mean that touching the chair, on a date, could be construed as a romantic gesture?

18

Thanks for the responses. We just got off of a two-hour phone call! He was very open and honest about his accident and life since then, but I was pleasantly amazed at how much the call didn’t focus on that, but on common acquaintances (shockingly) and shared life events. We did talk about his accident, but it was not by far the main focus of our conversation. He has an amazing sense of humor, and he expressed appreciation for mine. There was a lot of laughing.

I appreciate all of the input. Thank you, everyone.

19

I took this to mean as it would be the same as touching someone else’s hair, for instance. Is that correct?

20

I’m so glad it went well, both for your sake in the romance department, and to fight the ignorance that a person in a wheelchair is “all messed up”. After 10 years in a wheelchair, a person is generally at the point where, as you noted, a very small percentage of their life actually needs to focus on the wheelchair/injury itself.

Will there be an in-person meeting now?