People seem so surprised when I talk to them without a trace of hesitancy or offense about my disability and it’s related issues. So surprised that I would actually ENCOURAGE those with whom I’m interacting to voice any and every question they may have. Most expect me to have just the opposite attitude or disposition regarding me and my disability, and the interactions I have with others. Most think I would be offended at people asking me questions about me and my wheelchair. Nothing could further from the truth.
As I have become wiser and more experienced at navigating through the world in hollow-frame titanium, certain obstacles in my pursuit of happiness have become more clearly defined, better understood. And of course one can never overcome an obstacle that is only felt but not examined. One such obstacle to truly ideal social interaction, relationships and communication in my life is the overwhelming tendency for people to not ask me things or keep their curiousity to themselves in whatever form.
I say “obstacle” because those questions and curiousities are still present in the minds’ of those who didn’t think it was ok to ask. So, what happens? Most likely assumptions are made as to the answers to these questions that were never asked (virtually always incorrect assumptions). Enough time passes without ever having those assumptions challenged in the least bit and what happens? Those assumptions turn into firmly-held beliefs. Which, over time, get spread around with the certainty of facts. It’s a silent but insidious cycle of ignorance that I struggle with everyday. I’m interacting with someone who has complete and utter (sometimes hilarious) misconceptions and untruths about me from the second we meet.
And it’s also practically guaranteed that those misconceptions will remain undisturbed because a person would never ask me anything so inappropriate! So any interaction that does take place does so, in my eyes, in a less than genuine manner. Less than genuine because it’s not the interaction I would be having if those glaring misconceptions and ignorance were not present in the first place. Not present in the first place or were able to be corrected and educated of. It’s an “obstacle” because these misconceptions and this ignorance IS here in the first place and given the unique situation of people being heavily resistant to questioning the only source of real source of information they likely ever will be in contact with, they are unlikely to ever be any different.
(the only reason I added this was to show SDMB that I am not adverse to acknowledging and sharing my disability, i am not all piss and vinegar)
I would just like to know about the guy, instead of the guy as it relates to disability. Please start a thread that’s not about your disability. I know you are an intelligent person: How is you job going? How is the dating life? What are your views on the current liberal, conservative debate?
Once I get to know you, I would love to have a chance to ask you about how your disability has affected you everyday life. I believe it would be helpful to me in working with people with disabilities in the future. Until that time I see you as an ideologue and nothing more, please prove that I am wrong.
On the rare occasion I interact with someone in a wheelchair, I am always uncomfortable standing above them looking down. If there is a chair handy I will pull it up, but if not: is courteous to kneel down so that I am looking at them at eye level, or is this somehow patronizing?
You get upset when people see nothing but the chair and the disability, but it’s all you talk about. We appreciate what you’re trying to do, and it’s nice to know that we can ask a straight up question, but you are becoming the one-dimensional person you seem to want to avoid being.
So I tell you, don’t be shy…please! Tell us more about yourself, give us more context with which to even ask questions.
So, if I’m reading you correctly, if someone doesn’t come up with all sorts of deep, fascinating questions about your disability and wheelchair use, then they must be suffering from a variety of vaguely defined “misconceptions”, and these in turn prevent you from having a genuine interaction with them. Right?
Has it not occurred to you that there may be other reasons for people not asking you about them? For starters, they may be scared that you’ll fly off the handle at the least mention of your disability, though I can’t imagine why they’d feel that way. Or perhaps they have met other actual real disabled people in the past, and have already had the vast number of questions that naturally occur to everyone upon furtive sight of a wheelchair answered. Or maybe, just maybe, they just don’t really give a shit.
Yeah, just because I’m an abrasive asshole/conflict magnet who takes offense easily and judges harshly words and actions I know are unintentionally less than ideal, from those I realize were trying to be nice – that’s no need to be shy, speak right up?
:::::crickets:::::
Huh, I knew it, you’re all just disabled prejudiced!
Unless the nature of a person’s disability, or the cause of it, is relevant to the “social interaction” in which we are currently engaged I see no reason to bring it up or ask questions about it. Just as I don’t comment on a person’s hair color, height, or other physical characteristics. It has nothing to do with being too shy to ask, or being afraid of offending.
I think the reason is that people don’t want to be seen as being too “nosy”. Asking other people overly personal questions tends to be frowned on in our society, and what “overly personal” means depends on the person and the situation. You clearly have a different concept of “overly personal” than many others do (that’s not a criticism, just a comment that we are all different).
Khadaji - to answer your question about standing or kneeling; I’m not royalty, so there is no need to kneel before me :D. However, my preference is for people to stay a couple of steps back when they are talking to me simply because I’m apt to get a sore neck if you’re too close and I am trying to keep eye contact.
Or another one. People may be curious, but tend to respect personal boundaries, their own as well as others. A question about an illness or a condition is quite a personal one, and even if you aren’t worried about a person taking offense by a question, it may seem too intimate a thing to talk about in a casual environment, such as work.
I’m wondering what misconceptions you think people have of you that they are keeping to themselves. I agree that most people aren’t educated on all the details of the life of the paralyzed, but then again, most people are ignorant about what other people are dealing with as well. It’s not like we all walk around with our life descriptions written on our foreheads. No one has anyone completely figured out.
But among friends and intimates? Yeah. People should probably feel more open to ask questions. Feeling put out because the rest of us don’t care? Yeah, that sounds a bit too attention-whorish to me.
When you’re here (you’re family? Sounds like a commercial!;)) know that you’re cared about, you may be disagreed with, but that unless you choose to bring it up, then it doesn’t matter to us.
Now that may sound hypocritical of me, since I have Alzheimer’s dementia and have talked about it openly here, but I don’t mean for it to and I welcome any comments either pro or con, and especially the humorous ones, because I laugh at all the goofy shit I do from day to day.
Ever been at a restaurant and been confused about what goes in your lap, the napkin or the utensils? That kinda shit.
That isn’t to say that I don’t think about it. I do. A lot. I just try not to dwell on it.
All the best to you, welcome, jump into any conversation and if you need a bud, well I’m here just about all the time.
Last month I was at Lowe’s buying flowers and stuff. The next person in line at the checkout was a man with two daughters, one of whom was in a wheelchair and her one leg was splints and compression bandages from hip to ankle. “Poor kid,” thought I, “right at the beginning of summer vacation too.” I smiled politely at all of them but didn’t look too much at the injured girl or ask her about it because she looked like 40 miles of bad road and clearly did not want to chat.
I got checked out and was trying to maneuver my cartload of plants out to the parking lot and I hear the cashier just about bellow, “And what happened to YOU? Musta been something pretty bad, HUH? CMOOOOON, you can tell me!”
“Daddy!”
“She was in an accident,” replied Daddy in the Tone of Squelch.
“Oh, REALLY? What happened?”
The moral of the story (besides the fact that that cashier needed to be thumped soundly with the Cluehammer) is that not everyone is as open to being asked about their wheelchair and what put them there as you are, and there’s no way for anyone to know who is or isn’t beforehand.
If I’m out in public and someone in a wheelchair happens to be in the vicinity, it’s none of my business and honestly I don’t really care that much about a total stranger. If you’re a prospective friend or date I’d rather get to know YOU, not your wheelchair.
ETA I’m not saying that if you were my friend and wanted to talk about your disability I’d refuse to talk about it. I just mean I’d wait for you to bring it up first or suss out how you felt about being asked before bringing it up myself.
