Two occupational therapists, a physical therapist, a vocational rehabilitation counsellor, and a supervisor all ganged up on me and pushed me into getting a power wheelchair. I’m extremely uncomfortable with this, and no one seems to understand why. Instead, as I’m attempting to maneuver around the office and restrooms with the joystick control, I get stupid comments like:
“That looks like fun!”
“My feet hurt, can I get a ride?”
“I’m tired, can I borrow that?”
“You’re so lucky, I’m envious of people who get to use those at the grocery store.”
I know, people are just trying to look on the bright side, put a positive spin on things, blah blah blah, but it irritates me. This thing is not a toy. I’m not having fun. It’s a pain in the ass to manuever in tight areas, and I’d much rather be able to walk like a “normal” person.
I wish I could say to my co-workers, “You think it’s fun? Use it next time you have to go to the restroom. Try to push the door open and use the joystick at the same time. Wait outside the handicapped stall while the other two stand empty. Try to manuever the chair into and out of the stall without getting youself wedged into a corner. Try to reach the sink and the soap dispensers. Manuever around co-workers who are trying to get to and from the stalls and sinks. Try to pull the door open and hold it open while using the joystick. Make co-workers wait when you get yourself wedged in the doorway so no one can enter or exit. Are we having fun yet?”
Sorry, I don’t mean to rant, but it’s been a loooonnnnnngggggg week.
“I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it,” Jack Handy
Jeez, Gr8Kat, I hate the idea of you being confined to that thing. I’d go ahead and tell your co-workers how you feel about the wheelchair and how you feel about your comments, diplomatically or otherwise.
Sorry if I’m being nosy here, but I’m curious as too what your preference would be, given your current condition.
I think the people saying these things are just misguided. They’re the kind of people who say “Smile!” to the frowny people, which of course makes the frowny people want to throw fish guts at them.
Okay, it’s pretty stupid to say, “I’m envious of people who get to use those” like it’s some kind of privilege. But some people really don’t know what to say to the disabled … I guess you all already knew that but I had to point it out. Naturally, you don’t have to say anything different from what you would say to anybody else, but most people just haven’t thought of that.
I do have some questions:
If somebody in a wheelchair looks like they might need help, say with a door or something, is it better to err on the side of respecting their independence and assume they don’t need help unless they ask? Or is it better to err on the side of being helpful and assume they do need help? I’ve been in this situation before - not knowing whether intervention would be seen as patronizing or just neighborly. Frankly, I don’t know jack about being periplegic, being deaf, having major back problems, or anything.
I usually err on the side of intervention, but I’m worried I might come off like I think somebody’s totally helpless just because they’re in a wheelchair, or they’re an amputee, or whatever. Didn’t mean to be so long-winded.
Nothing I write about any person or group should be applied to a larger group.
My preference would be to walk. I have leg braces and a cane and am perfectly capable of (imperfectly) walking, but my supervisor’s fear is I’d fall and a.) file a workers’ comp. claim, and/or b.) someone would get injured picking my ass off the floor and file a workers’ comp. claim. The therapists and counsellor are just looking for a way to conserve my energy keep me from wearing myself out, as well as prevent broken bones. But I feel goofy using the dumb thing because I can walk. In fact, after getting it wedged into a corner on my first attempt to use the restroom, I ended up standing up so I could push, pull or drag it while using the joystick. That must have been an ironic picture.
Boris B said:
Did you read my above descriptions of getting into and out of the restroom? I can’t speak for all disabled people, but ignore me when I’m struggling with a door, or let a door close in my face, and I will think you’re a thoughtless asshole and hate you forever and ever. But that’s just me
“I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it,” Jack Handy
Gr8, seems to me that where you are should be more accessible for people in chairs.
’
If somebody in a wheelchair looks like they might need help, say with
a door or something, is it better to err on the side of respecting their
independence and assume they don’t need help unless they ask?’
Glad you asked Boris. It’s kind of the same with women, do you hold the door open for them or let them do it themselves? As most women these days are not women’s libbers, your odds are better if you hold the door open. But I hold the door open for men too, its just a matter of no one getting whacked upside the head. Same with old people & those in chairs.
Well, I’m probably in a little different situation, too, because it’s not just my legs that are a problem but my arms, too. I like to have a door opened for me on normal circumstances (especially since I usually have a cane in one hand and a purse, files, whatever in the other). So if I’m struggling with the door and the joystick and someone just stands blithely by waiting for me to get out of their way, I might not ask for help, but I’ll get ticked off if no one offers to help. Yes, I expect people to be mind-readers
But, again, this is just me, and I cannot speak for the entire disabled community.
Though I was recently asked by a neuoropsychologist with multiple schlerosis to contribute my story to a book she’s compiling about living with disabilities. Woo HOO, I’ll be famous Sorry, this may not be the right place to share, but it just popped into my head and out onto my keyboard
“I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it,” Jack Handy
I know what you are talking about on this one Gr8kat. My son has a disability and nothing pisses me off more than when someone says to me… wouldnt it be nice if he was normal? Well, exactly WTF is normal?? Is normal the kid who dies his hair purple and has earrings hanging out of his nose? or the obese person or the really skinny person who is bald? I dont think i have ever met a “normal” person nor do I ever think I will. We all have some characteristic that makes us slightly different from the next person. This subject burns my ass totally cuz i have had to deal with people and their ignorances. I would much rather have someone ask right out about my son than to whisper, stare or say stupid things, talking like he isnt there. He is a human being with feelings and because his legs and arms may not work right doesnt automatically mean that his ears dont work and he cant hear them.
ok im done
We are, each of us angels with only one wing;
and we can only fly by
embracing one another
In response to the holding the door for women question: If I’m right on your heels, sure hold it for me like you would for anyone else, or if I’m bogged down somehow, yes please give me a hand. If I’m halfway across the room and you’re glaring at me with the door open because you have somewhere to be and I’m not moving fast enough for your liking, then I’m more likely to turn around and leave by another door. I guess if you’re doing it out of common courtesy it’s ok, but if you’re doing it because you don’t think I’m capable of doing it myself then it stinks.
As for helping the disabled, I’m guessing it doesn’t hurt to ask. I wore a back brace for scoliosis when I was a teen (I know that in no way compares to having a real, permanent disability, but people sorta reacted to me the same way) and it was really irritating when people would suddenly appear at my side to help me up stairs (or something) I had no problem negotiating. (Although, I should point out to Boris that I was a teen at the time and as a rule irritated by the whole world in general.) I never had a problem asking for help when I wanted or needed it (dropped book out of my line of sight, etc.) So, I usually ask “Need a hand?” if I think someone might but is too busy concentrating to ask. Wasn’t there some comedy skit on some show where Boy Scout troops kept “helping” an elderly woman back and forth across the same street all day, and she wasn’t even trying to cross the street in the first place?!?!
Well, I don’t have any physical disabilities (except being really near-sighted).
But when I was a kid, I was hyperactive with a short attention span. I took “special” classes in elementary school, and because most of the students went to the same junior and high school as me, the image of me as a wierdo followed me up until college. I’m also prone to depression, and–
Well, shit. This sounds really lame, doesn’t it? All I’m trying to say is I think I have an inkling of what you’re going through Gr8Kat. People making coments about you without thinking, that air of amusement combined with pity.
Or maybe I’m full of shit, and don’t know what I’m talking about.
(For what it’s worth: I got over most of that stuff long ago. But it took prescription drugs, years of group therapy, and some very good friends to help me understand that I’m a pretty good person after all. And no, I’m not Stewart Smily. ;))
Hat’s off to you Gr8Kat for this topic, it is most definitely a needed one! My sister has degenerative hip disease and spends most of her time in one of those motorized wheelchairs. Whenever we go out, I am always amazed at the ignorant comments that are made.
How to treat ppl with a handicap…The way I see it is… you should do what you would for any human who is having a difficult time with something, door or whatever. If it is your nature to ignore and turn away then chances are they will just think of you as the asshole that you are. If it’s your nature to smile and offer help, then you will be thanked in kind.
My sister has the same human reactions that I do as a physically “normal” (I really hate using that term) person. The only cool thing is that she has been this way long enough to have developed a sense of humor about it and we jokingly make plans to find the jerk and run him/her over with the damn thing coz after all payback is a bitch!
“Only when he no longer knows what he is doing, does the painter do good
things.” --Edgar Degas
Having watched people make stupid comments to my grandad (MS, been in a wheelchair for 30 years), I have concluded that people mean well, but have NO IDEA what to say when confronted by this situation, and generally say the first fool thing that enters their heads. Unfortunately, this tends to be the same fool thing the last person said. (The “you’re so lucky!” line, or variations thereof, in particular.)
I try to think of people who say these moronic things as little children…it helps me be patient with them. I used to be zealous about trying to correct people’s perceptions, but it doesn’t work. Can’t paint the world.
I wish for you lots of patience, you’ll need it. Good luck, don’t let the turkeys shit on your head, or however that expression goes.
‘weirdo?’ ah, not today. Today it’s ‘freak’
‘cripple’ is also out. See the video, ‘Freak City,’ for mild clarification.
I must say assisting a woman of any ableness, including my catch phrase, ‘severely able body,’ often scores points. For some reason their husbands or whatever men they are around don’t assist them much, so a little chivalry goes a long way these days.
Being deafened, I do miss the mean things people say. But when I use a sign language interpreter I do. These are the three top ones [or close to these]not to say/write/get interpreted for you, to a deaf person:
Why should I give you a menu if you can’t read?
Your speech is so unintelligible, I can’t understand you.
‘weirdo?’ ah, not today. Today it’s ‘freak’
‘cripple’ is also out. See the video, ‘Freak City,’ for mild clarification.
I must say assisting a woman of any ableness, including my catch phrase, ‘severely able body,’ often scores points. For some reason their husbands or whatever men they are around don’t assist them much, so a little chivalry goes a long way these days.
Being deafened, I do miss the mean things people say. But when I use a sign language interpreter I don’t. These are the three top ones [or close to these]not to say/write/get interpreted for you, to a deaf person:
Why should I give you a menu if you can’t read?
Your speech is so unintelligible, I can’t understand you.
Dunno what the “right” thing to say to disables people is, but here’s what I would do…
Would I say “Wow! That looks fun!”? No.
Would I say “Heh, I’d hate to be you!”? Nope.
What I would do is just not say anything at all. I mean, it’s not as if people need to reminded that they are disabled.
If I knew someone who had not had a power wheelchair, and who suddenly showed up with one, I might say something along the lines of “that looks like fun,” meaning “That looks like more fun than trying to muscle your old chair around” or “That looks like more fun than the crutches you were using.”
I wouldn’t say it to someone I didn’t know fairly well, though.
IMO, the thing to say to a disabled person is
exactly the thing you’d say to the abled bodied. People aren’t their disablities; they’re people.
I was immensely fortunate to attend a university where, in a “service to the disabled” class, we didn’t sit in class. We were put into wheelchairs, wore distorting lenses that made us nearly blind, etc. It was shocking and grueling and the best lesson any of us learned.
It was jarring how many people spoke VERY LOUDLY and VERY SLOWLY when I wore my dark, distorting glasses. In the wheelchair I was either invisible or an instant object of pity.
After just a couple of weeks of this class, I was an exhausted, angry, hurt mess. Doing just the normal things took so damned long and SOOO much effort.
But worst was the invisiblity/pity. The absolute worst was that people only saw the “disability”, not me.
And that was only a mock learning exercise that ended when the class did. Sorry to rant, but what I learned was that common civility and seeing the person and not the physical differences was like water in a desert.
Grateful for all the blessings I did nothing to deserve,
Veb
I have ranted LOTS in other threads about having a disability and the crass comments I get about how great it must be to “get to stay home”…After much research and experimentation, I discovered the appropriate response is:
Fuck You.
It gets the point across in a quick and powerful manner. I got sick of explaining how I felt and what my life was like, so instead I just say “Fuck You”. No one ever carries the conversation any further.
My co-workers (I do work part time) love to hear a fellow worker that doesn’t know me well start with that shit about how great it must be to work part time. They just KNOW a big “Fuck You” is coming.
Zette
(having a baaaaad week)
A friend is someone who likes you even though you’re as ugly as a hat full of assholes. Zettecity
