You've been un-invited!

A few weeks ago my brother invited my mother and step-dad as well as me and my family and his wife’s side of the family over for dinner on Christmas Eve. My brother went to my mom’s yesterday and started talking about what my SIL was making for dinner. My brother left and went home. He then called my mother back and apologized saying that his wife could only invite her side of the family now as it would be to much work to have us over as well.
Does anyone else think that this is incredibly rude and disrespectful of my SIL?
Does anyone else think my brother should grow a pair and stand up to his wife?
My family feels very upset about this as we were all looking forward to going over for Christmas Eve.

I don’t think this is deliberate disrespect, but it does speak of a communication problem. Major holiday meals like Christmas and Thanksgiving are a LOT of work, so your brother should have talked to his wife first before making the offer.

That being said, it was disrespectful of her to exclude your brother’s family. Have they ever hosted a meal for you?

I agree with MsRobyn. If in-laws are in a geographically suitable area to have them over for holiday dinner, they should be included as invitees (unless they’re absolute pricks) and prep time should be taken into account. Sounds like your SIL is being cunty.

And, hell, while it’s labor intensive, my sister cooks an entire Thanksgiving (usually larger than Christmas) dinner in one day. It requires what’s known in sports as “clock management.” Cook things in a proper sequence, plan to have to reheat things if made necessary because of varying cooking times, and all that. Or hell, have it catered.

Pulling back on an invitation is never cool. Never.

Yes, maybe.

Oh man, family situations are rough. And living up to family expectations is also rough, especially at the holidays.

My opinion is that, since there’s more than enough time to juggle the menu your Brother and Sister-in-law, once they realized that everyone had been invited should have replanned their menu to accommodate everyone. As long as both sides of the family get along, that is.

I think you’re well within your rights to be a little hurt by being uninvited, but hope you won’t let it become an issue in your family. Assume that there was no bad intent.

Yes and yes. And inconsiderate and, above all, selfish, in favouring her family over the in-laws, without regard for your brother’s feelings and the feelings of his family. There’s no way this wasn’t going to upset people.

And, frankly, wimpy. Cook for ten, you might as well cook for twenty.

Totally, yes. It amazes me how often guys roll over and pander to the whinges of their other halves to have an easy home life - my brother-in-law does this with his wife all the time. Which is why his poor parents haven’t seen him at Christmas time for five fucking years.

If I tried to pull this trick on my girlfriend, she would, rightfully, go nuts.

Thanks for all the replies so far. My mom is very upset and hurt over this but she is not the type to make trouble and confront my SIL about it and neither am I.
My brother had already confirmed with his wife that everyone was invited so she just un-invited us at the last minute.
I think it should have been up to my brother to tell her it is too late to un-invite us and that she should just suck it up.
Oh and my side of the family would mean she would have to cook for an extra 8 people. I think she is using the too much work thing as an excuse not to have us there as she has always preferred her family over ours. Her side of the family consists of 6 people as well as herself, my brother and their 2 kids so the total number of people invited would have been 18 people.
She has always been a very moody person with intense mood swings. My brother uses a code word for her moods. When she is in a good mood he says her stocks are up and when she’s in a bad mood he says her stocks are down.

The solution might be for the husband to commit to helping with the extra cooking and preparations that hosting his side of the family will entail.

I’m sure he would but as I said they both invited everyone a few weeks ago so she knew about this. it’s not like by brother made her include us in the dinner at the last minute.

I have a very low tolerance for grown people who have bad mood swings. If it’s related to true depression that’s one thing, but I do think a lot of people are ‘allowed’ to get away with this behaviour by their partners who want an easy life. She comes across as childishly selfish in this thread.

As I said, my SIL is the same. She doesn’t work but contrives to have ‘such a stressful busy life’ despite her teenage girls both being well behaved and at school all day. She puts her family needs way above my BIL’s (and consequently, my girlfriend’s). She has resisted visiting her aged In-Laws for Christmas for years because she ‘wants her kids to experience Christmas at home’, even though her In-Laws have none of their children living nearby and are too sick and disabled to travel. The In-Laws live in Wales, she lives in Scotland, the other sister in my girlfriend’s family lives in Germany and we live in London. So for the fifth year in a row, my girlfriend and I are making the trip to Wales, despite being the only couple in the family who are working either side of Christmas, because otherwise the poor parents would see no one.

Grrrr. Can you tell you’ve touched a nerve?

“Childishly selfish” pretty much sums up my feelings at un-inviting people. She had the head count when she did all the inviting - un-inviting a week before Christmas is just plain rude. Maybe host your parents at your house, lisalan, and don’t invite your bil and family.

Yes, I think it was incredibly rude of your sister-in-law to uninvite your family. For heaven’s sakes, when you’re cooking for that many people and they’re all family, you don’t do all the cooking yourself anyway. You ask your sister to bring a pecan pie, and your mother comes over a little early to help out wherever she’s needed, and your mother-in-law brings the roasted sweet potatoes, and Uncle Jerry brings a casserole ready to put into the oven, etc. At least that’s how big holiday dinners were always handled in my family.

This is a good idea. If this was my brother, I would also have a quiet word with him about how he needs to make it up to your mother in some way, like perhaps inviting your parents and the family over for a family get together on another significant date, like New Year’s Day. No boy wants to upset his mother.

That’s a good idea but I doubt he wife would let him. She obviously wears the pants in the family. My brother obviously values his wife’s feelings more than his mothers and I am really upset with him about this.
Today my mom was talking to me about it and she says you make so many sacrifices for you kids as a parent and look what she gets back in return.

I would host them if I could but I have 3 kids. I have a 7 1/2 year old boy a 3 yr old girl and a 1 yr old girl plus I work full-time.

First, the withdrawal of the invite was shitty - if my husband accidently invited too many people, I would be mad, but I would make him help and deal with it so as not to look like a total bitch.

That being said - why can’t you host a party? I have 2 kids, worked full time, and have hosted my 18+ family. It’s stressful, of course, and requires some good time management and helping hands, but it can easily be done.

Aren’t you using the same excuse the sister in law is? She’s got two kids - maybe you’d have some sympathy for her, and call her to find out what you can do to help her? Potluck is a good way to do it, can smooth over feelings, and works well for all involved.

I so hope that you responded “But you also got me!”

What my brother and his wife do to forestall such events is have Christmas with one set of parents and New Year with the other. Then swap around the next year.

It isn’t even the last minute YET. I was trying to give SIL the benefit of the doubt but I’m struggling now.

My hope is that your brother is making choices based on what will ultimately keep his own house the most harmonious. Maybe if he did “grow a pair” and refused to uninvite all of you she would have been so bitchy that nobody would have a nice time anyway.

I’m sorry that this is hurting your mom.

She’s got a 14 year old and a 17 year old. I have 3 under 7. I just hosted by 1yr old and 3yr old’s parties adn had 20 people over.