The orange purse, you thieving fuck. Oh you probably have tossed it in some bushes after taking the $50 bucks and laundry quarters out. Let me tell you a little bit about that purse. Mr kiffa brought it back from the Congo last Christmas, and my sister kiffa gave it to me. I treasure things my family gives me, and because of this, I hope you lose something of sentimental value to you.
I lost a bit of my dignity, you thieving fuck. After the nice policeman came to take my report, he suggested we backtrack every place I had been on the second floor of the entomology department at Rutgers. Fine, I was so upset at that point that I could have easily overlooked the purse. By the time we headed off for the wiring closet, I was “motherfucking” my way down the hall, fists clenched. The policeman has heard worse, I’m sure. But that is not generally my style and I lost it. And I felt stupid afterwards. I hope you lose a little bit of dignity at a time when you hope to keep it.
Which brings us to part three, you thieving fuck. I felt stupid for not following my rule of locking my office door. I was on my way home, purse on shoulder and door opened, when I remembered I had to finish a note. I put the purse down, went behind the small partition to my desk and wrote. It was probably then when you snaked your hand through the doorway and filched my purse - with me only a few feet away. Someday, I hope you end up losing something through a momentary stupid act.
So, what else did you get, you thieving fuck? Let’s list, shall we?
[ul]
[li]House keys - Fuck you for the $65 locksmith call to rekey the lock.[/li][li]Car keys - an atomic Fuck You for this - $700 to replace the ignition switch, three locks and labor.[/li][li]Visa - fuck you.[/li][li]My Checks - an entomological fuck you. I really liked those bug checks.[/li][li]ExxonMobile card - fuck you.[/li][li]Drivers License and Car Registration - You’ll burn in hell for this, making me to grow old at the DMV.[/li][li]ATM card - fuck you.[/li][li]JC Penney card - fuck you.[/li][li]Firestone card - didn’t use it anymore, but fuck you still the same.[/li][li]Stamps - fuck you.[/li][li]Birthday check from Mom - fuck you, and Mom says fuck you too.[/li][li]AAA card - fuck you.[/li][li]USGS Bird Banding Permit - a federal fuck you.[/li][li]New Jersey banding permit - fuck you, you fucking fuck.[/li][li]Year pass at Brigantine - fuck you.[/li][li]Health cards - fuck you.[/li][li]Two calling cards - fuck you, fuck you.[/li][li]My Social Security Number - well, fuck me for that. I should have taken it out of my wallet after it was needed. My punishment for this is having to go through the hassle of red-flagging my credit reports at the three credit bureaus.[/li][li]My Topomap USA 3.0, Canon Scan, and SPSS software - fuck it.[/ul][/li]Before I forget, I want to thank my friend Pete for ragging on me about getting one of those magnetic boxes placed underneath my car to hold a spare house and car key. At least I didn’t have to spend the night in my office, worried with fear that you might be ransacking my house, you pilfering fuck. One last wish: I hope someone steals your wallet/purse/knapsack so you too can enjoy the bureaucratic mess of trying to prove who you are. Oh, wait! You’ve already proved who you are, you thieving fuck.
Excellent, excellent. I loved the understated but very effective first section, forgoing the typical ‘I hope you burn in Hades with the flame of a thousand suns’ and ‘I hope you get your balls ripped off by a sabretooth tiger’ routines for a more subtle approach. Then the second section, very blunt and straightforward while still incorporating humor (e.g. ‘a federal fuck you’ – very nice), provides an interesting contrast.
Overall a very good rant. 9.0.
That really sucks though – especially the SSN. That really sucks. Sorry. Maybe the cops’ll find the purse somewhere with some of the minor but inconvenient to replace stuff still in it. Here’s hoping.
Definitely one of the finer Pit rants in a while! Good style, good rhythm and good execution. I particularly liked:
[quote]
[ul][li]New Jersey banding permit - fuck you, you fucking fuck.[/ul][/li][/quote]
Quite poetic.
As for the subject of the OP: well, fuck. Let’s hope he’s attacked by crows and pecked to severe injury (dying would just end the suffering). Think you could arrange that brachyrhynchos?
Jeez, that just blows ** brachy**. If nothing else, I at least hope that you find the purse. I must say that in all fairness that that was an absolutely Bitchin’ rant. Beautiful in every aspect of the written form. A 10 from the Canadian judge (worth about 6.5 points American I imagine, but I digress).
I’m still mourning the loss of my purse two years ago…fortunately I didn’t lose as much, but for me, spending over $100 to replace cards and checkbooks and wallet and my fucking favorite lipstick was a catastrophe…and all they got was $3.17, an ATM card that was overdrawn and one with less than $10 available. Idiot thief, stealing from a retail clerk three days before payday. There are times when crappy credit is a blessing, as they would have found out if they tried to get any using my info.
Only time I ever had a purse stolen was out in your neck of the woods kittenblue. And it was one of those stupid bear backpack things, so as far as the asshole knew, he was stealing from a little kid! Wart.
Lovely, lovely rant brachyrhynchos. I too was going to comment on the “mom” bit, but Skip beat me to it.
Thank you all for the wonderful support for my sister, brachy potty mouth [her words, not mine].
hey brachy, re: THE contract
Do you think Cerowyn has it figured out? Anyway, I’ve been in touch with the Detroit guys [yeah, the howyadoin’ crowd]. They are gaggling together and waiting for the eastern migration to join your New Jersey dressed-in-black crowd. Some of the old guys who flew south to Florida are talking backup. I guess they’ll all fly into the garbage dump by the airport, play some cards and wait until that fucking fuck is identified. Stay away from the dump for a while; you’ll soon be able to crow …
Here’s hoping that some of your stuff finds its way back to you.
(Related note, hijack, and belated thank you/fuck you to the girl who found my billfold and dropped it into a mailbox. The money was missing but everything else was there. There was also a note that said, “Too bad you’re not good looking or I would have returned it myself. Debi”
And this was years ago when I was a handsome young lad–with hair!)
Thanks all for the responses. I was royally pissed last night and worked myself into a bit of a lather after learning about the cost of rekeying my car. Ugh. I should probably clarify that my 83 year old mother didn’t actually verbalize the “Fuck you,” but her “Oh my!” and “Darn that person!” was full of motherly concern and vengance. (I think the only time “fuck” has ever passed through her lips was when, while learning English, she told her brother-in-law to “fuck it” after he thanked her for a meal. She was going for “Forget it.” )
It’s an interesting experience to try to list the contents of your purse/wallet. The things you forget (library card). Who do you call? Firestone was a bit of a hunt to find. I do have a list someplace, with account and phone numbers, but I can’t find it. Grrr. And what about other forms of ID? I needed two for the DMV. Thank God I have a passport, but I don’t know where my birth certificate is (the DMV accepted my employee picture ID, whew).
Cerowyn, that quote is pure Harvey Keitel - I borrowed from Brooklyn. And I like your avian revenge idea (but kiffa, hold off with your Detroit connections). Crow bills can deliver a good blow, but I’m thinking for primal pain, I need a good nutcrackin’ beak, delivered by a small, angry-red package. I need some cardinals.
Well, I’m off to replace some more cards. Make your lists, folks!
(On preview: Sheesh, Rysdad, “Debi” was a jerk, if it was a Debi. I’d bet it was the same person who took your money and just wanted to add unfounded insult to injury. How do these people live with themselves? )
i can’t imagine if i had to replace everything in my purse. i once left my purse in a burger joint and spent an entire night going crazy because i couldn’t get back there to see if it was found or just gone. my husband (who, sweet as he is, just did not understand) kept asking me what was in my purse that was so important. all i could say was that i couldn’t remember, but i knew everything in there was important!
luckily we’d been the only people there, and left right before closing, so the owner found my purse and kept it for me.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by brachyrhynchos *
**
[li]My Checks - an entomological fuck you. I really liked those bug checks. **[/li][/QUOTE]
An entomological fuck you. That line is a thing of beauty. It sounds painful, but the bastard deserves it.
Cessandra. that would have driven me nuts, not knowing who might have had my purse. The indecision of whether to cancel cards or not - what a relief it must have been to get it back intact!
I wish I could find my list of brachy’s wallet stuff. Things are coming back (credit union account that car payments are made through) but I’m afraid I might be missing some items. I’m starting a new list tonight. Damn! I just remembered my library copy card. And kittenblue, that thief got my discontinued Lancome lipstick. :mad: For those of you who don’t wear lipstick, you might not understand how hard it can be to find the right color, texture, and smell. It was perfect for me, but expensive. I was hoping this tube would last another 6 months. May the perps lips fall off.
Next to tackle - changing my online banking account and automatic bill payments. At least my electronically deposited tax return came in without a hitch (I had forgotten that was coming in on my old account), Unfortunately, it’ll be going right out when I get my car locks replaced. Wonderful. bibliophage, I’m thinking that entomological curse should be something like an unrelenting case of pinworms.
/aside
** Emperor Penguin**, I didn’t realise you changed your uasername! I turned off the sig option and didn’t that you were you. At least I don’t remember you changing it but I could be having yet another blond moment. It looks good on you!
/aside
Sorry to hear about that…it really sucks when stuff like that happens. One time, I stopped at a gas station really late at night after taking one of my friends home who happend to live in the ghetto. I had a bad feeling, but I went in anyway. When I came back out this woman was standing at the corner of the building (my dumbass parked on the side of the building), I saw her peek around the corner and then I REALLY started having bad feelings…long story short, she got away with my wallet, and I too had my social security card in there, luckily no cash. But here is the real pisser, it also had my business card in there. There was a verbal confrontation at the time the wallet was taken and I was so traumatized, I could hear her voice when I was trying to go to sleep. The bitch called me at work and said she had found my wallet in her back yard and wanted me to meet her to get it and wanted some money in return for being such a good citizen. I politely told her I didnt HAVE any money because my wallet had been STOLEN. Theives suck!!! I hope you get everything taken care of!
Sorry to hear about that…it really sucks when stuff like that happens. One time, I stopped at a gas station really late at night after taking one of my friends home who happend to live in the ghetto. I had a bad feeling, but I went in anyway. When I came back out this woman was standing at the corner of the building (my dumbass parked on the side of the building), I saw her peek around the corner and then I REALLY started having bad feelings…long story short, she got away with my wallet, and I too had my social security card in there, luckily no cash. But here is the real pisser, it also had my business card in there. There was a verbal confrontation at the time the wallet was taken and I was so traumatized, I could hear her voice when I was trying to go to sleep. The bitch called me at work and said she had found my wallet in her back yard and wanted me to meet her to get it and wanted some money in return for being such a good citizen. I politely told her I didnt HAVE any money because my wallet had been STOLEN. Theives suck!!! I hope you get everything taken care of!
That’s wonderful! I mean the rant, and then getting the purse back. I was an idiot and left my purse on the bus on Saturday, whereupon it was stolen. (I caught the bus on its return route and asked the driver to help search. He was very nice about it). Thankfully, I’m picking up a new passport tomorrow, so I’ll have photo i.d. Unfortunately, all of my other i.d. was in my wallet. I can’t do a rant-list anywhere near as good as yours, but here’s what I lost:
Health card
Bank card
Social Insurance card
Driver’s licence
Library card
Birth certificate (I’d just applied for the passport, and hadn’t taken it out of my wallet yet)
Favourite new Annie Dillard book
Old student card picture of my fiance- and for that and the book, kindly contract a disease of the gentials which can only be cured with sandpaper and lemon juice.
I hope the thief enjoys my fine collection of used kleenex and my heavily used lip balm. Grr.
