I'm tired of being ugly...

The BBQ Pit
1

I am really tired of being ugly and knowing it. I hate all the stupid insecurities that come along with that knowledge. I can’t stand that my otherwise midly-paranoid and jealous attitudes are amplified by this situation. It bugs the living shit out of me that at times I come to regret the extremely open relationship I have with my SO when I crush her spirits and seal my own fate when I have the gall to ask, “Do you think he’s more handsome than me?” I hate it that I already know what the answer will be, and I hate it that that will always be the answer.

It is something that I cannot change; it is, as far as I know, the one thing I dislike about myself that I cannot change that I haven’t already accepted. Such feelings of powerlessness are the things that make me most sad and anxious.

(And here is where I hijack my own thread into a babbling, senseless rant…)

I have known for a while that the only problems I have with my SO are due to my own insecurities and the resulting paranoia and jealousy. A thread I posted about her in MPSIMS was eaten in the board crash. It was mostly about me being paranoid about her drinking when she goes off to college. She’s off to college since two weeks ago, and I’ve had my emotional ups and downs since. It seems that I have been getting better in the last year or so. My down times are getting shorter and less frequent. Even now I’m starting to come out of this down time (I started writing this post while I was still talking to her on AIM about fifteen minutes ago and have been adding onto it sporadically since.) Most times I blow the down times out of proportion in my head so it seems like they are bigger than they actually are.

I’m not even sure why I’m posting this. I guess I’m looking for some guy or girl to say, “You’re not alone,” or “You aren’t as crazy as you think you are.” Realistically, I probably don’t want to hear posts from people that want to help me or give me advice or tell me that I am crazy and controlling and a bastard. Theoretically, I will probably get them and should want them. And I will definitely accept them and read them and benefit from them (probably moreso than the nicer posts.)

So many times when I’m feeling in the dumps about my girl, I write a post like this to the SDMB or my Live Journal, and then close down the browser without submitting it. But I’m gonna submit it this time, just to have it here. Just so I can look at it when I am happy (which is increasingly becoming now) and say, “Gee, I am really stupid when I’m sad.” Or I can look at it when I’m sad and say, “Gee, I’d better not post one of those again.”

Bah, that’s enough for now. Maybe if I feel up to it later, I’ll rant and rave about how I’m always wearing a mask around people, or how I have almost no social skills. We’ll see. I’ll probably close down the browser before I hit Submit…

2

You can always look at it this way: at least you have an SO. I’m so ugly, I fall firmly in that “not even if you were the last man on Earth” category.

I’ve learned not to get too worked up about it, though. Not having to worry about getting into a relationship, or what’s happening in an existing one, has freed my time to get worked up about lots of other stuff!

3

You think it’s hard being an ugly man? Try being an ugly girl. I feel like less than a woman. I don’t feel like a real woman because everyone knows that real woman have luscious boobs and legs that go on for miles.

I totally hear you two. Right on, ugly pride. Or shame.

4

I’m ugly as the ass end of a bulldog and don’t consider it something to be ashamed of.
Just think, Holden, you are such a cool guy that you were able to get a girlfriend despite not being a looker. I know that on those rare occasions when I’m in a relationship it’s because the other person likes me, not how I look.

5

What she said.

6

I don’t think you’re crazy. Sometimes I think, if only I didn’t have that gut, say. Then I’d be really pretty and guys would fall all over themselves for me. Other times I think I’m absolutely hideous all over. Other times I think I’m totally fucking gorgeous. But it’s always the stupid gut that gets me.

And now, of course, I’m receiving constant lascivious emails from a young gentleman (mentioning no names) who thinks my gut is totally sexy and to die for. That boosts the ol’ ego, I’ve got to tell you.

And I know people whose bones I would absolutely jump (some I actually have) because they’re unbelievably fucking red hot, but they’re convinced they’re disgusting. Sux and not in a fun way.

7

Well, I wonder how many of you who relate really are ugly. My SO is truly beautiful, and not just to me. But when we met he was young, horribly shy, had some acne, and really lousy luck with women. So he was convinced that he was hideous to look upon, when of course that was ludicrous and silly. His problem was a major lack of confidence, and he needed a little style adjustment to bring out his best. But his beauty was apparent to me the minute I saw him.

So I wonder…

8

Everything said made me feel better, but this one really hit me. Thanks, Stoid. Your SO when he was young sounds like me right now. I definitely have the lack of confidence problem. Your post gives me hope.

9

Where do you get your haircut?

Where do you shop?

How long do you spend getting ready in the morning?

When’s the last time you’ve made your way over to your friendly local cosmetic surgeon/dermatoligist for a lil’ consultation?

I’m going to make an assumption here that you still have some room to go in each of these scales. Maybe a lot of room. Frosh year in HS, I was sort of where you were. So let me get to the fundamental question.

HOW DO YOU FUCKING KNOW YOUR UGLY?

YOU DON’T, DO YOU!!!

Yeah, what Stoid said.

I should probably chop my tongue off now.

10

I was taught by my classmates that I was ugly and I believed it until my mid-20’s, at which point I decided I “could pass for reasonable.” I also had no social skills. Now, in my 30’s, I’m starting to learn that I could pass for beautiful. The American definition of beauty is narrow and dead difficult to attain. I also sometimes get fed up with there being so few ordinary looking people on American television.

You have an SO. That’s a lot more than I had when I was your age (please excuse that awful phrase). Obviously she doesn’t think you’re ugly, although she may be looking at your soul as well as your body.

Hang in there, and listen to the people in this thread – they know what they’re talking about!

CJ

11

I used to think that eventually everything would come together and I’m be passably good-looking… but I’m 42 and I’m still ugly. It ain’t gonna get any better, my friend. How’s that for cheering up? :wink:

For some oddball reason I have a really handsome SO (of course, he doesn’t think he’s handsome [sub]mainly because he’s not hung like Peter North[/sub]).

BTW, glad to hear the depression’s getting better.

12

Hear hear threemae! I know two guys in their early 20s who are convinced, in their heart and souls that they are baboon-ass ugly. They aren’t.

They have acne yeah, but I have seen a lot “worse” and that is something you can hope to have go over, or try get some treatment for. The main “uglifying” factor is that both of them have the worst fucking hair-cuts I have ever seen, dress like they were homeless (and neither of them is broke, far from) and wear glasses with the most unflattering frames available. An investment of about 100 bucks would have them looking great. A decent haircut (as opposed to, well I got it cut about 6 months ago, and then trimmed it over the ears with a nailclipper), small dark-metal frames as opposed to the huge 80’s-asian-computer-nerd ones they have now, and a nice t-shirt instead of the borrowed-from-my-grandma sweater and we are talking two relativly good looking guys. They are both really nice guys whose only character flaws are the extreme selfhate displayed to the point of self-pity.

I fear however that even if they tidy themselves up, their defeatist attitude will remain, and I know for a fact (cos girlies have told me) that that is the biggest turn off with these two. One of them missed a good chance with a stunner of a very nice girl cos he basically kept pitying himself cos it was going out of fashion…

Holden, I can relate to the insecurity. I am not too hung up on looks, but I sometimes wonder how the hell my SO is still with somone as stupid as I am. SO is better at almost everything than I am :slight_smile: But it all boils down to (cue music) nothing in the end, cos there is somone there with you that thinks you rock, and thats with all your flaws and oddities. Thats the biggest confidence builder in the world.

13

I thought I was pretty ugly in high school, or at least really plain. I had one real boyfriend and that ended poorly. When I hit college, things started changing for me - the acne went away (I get a pimple now and then even today, but it is nothing like it used to be), and I started developing in my own confidence and tastes. I found a simple hairstyle that looks decent on me, I got smaller-rimmed glasses, I wore clothes with “classic” style rather than attempting to be super-trendy. But most of all, I developed some confidence; people who knew me at the time tell me I just “blossomed”.

Find something to do that you can do at least decently at - some kind of hobby or whatever - and can take pride in. Know that regardless of what you think about yourself, your SO obviously thinks you’re very special. Ask her advice about some areas you might have concern about - hairstyle, clothes, that kind of thing. Don’t act like it’s a life-changing matter, just ask. And phrase the question right - not “Is this shirt ugly on me?” but “Do you think it’s time I retired this shirt?” (Fashion has an expiration date in most cases.) Ask her to go shopping with you when you’re together, and get her advice.

My husband thought he wasn’t good-looking when we met. He hadn’t really dated before me, only one girl who used him, getting him to buy her things and treating him badly. He was overweight, and had been for a long time. He’s slimmed down, and has great muscle development due to his active job, but still has a “layer” of padding. He’ll never be stick-slim; his frame is way too wide for that. But he’s happier with his looks and is constantly working to improve his physical fitness. I think he’s handsome, and I’ve seen enough women obviously ogling him to know I’m not alone.

14

Confidence.

Women who matter want it more than a perfect physique, or a Brad Pitt face.

What do you like about yourself? And why?

Do you think there’s no worthwhile woman out there who can’t see the same things, and like them? You already have one who does.

Yeah; maybe that other guy is more physically attractive. Maybe he always will be. Which leaves you to work with what you’ve got.

When you’re looking to meet someone, we less-than-handsome-and-ripped folk are at a disadvantage. Because the typical meat market is extremely superficial at its most initial stages.

Still, invariably, you find somebody and make a connection with them. If (when) you get to this point, if you’re confident, witty, caring - dude, you’re IN! “You” is no longer just your appearance, it’s, well, you.

And when you get to that stage with the right woman, she may notice that Brad Pitt - looking guy on the other side of the room. But she’d never give a second thought to being with anybody but you. Because she enjoys being with you.

So, make sure you project that image. Make sure that she does, indeed, enjoy your company.

Confidence.

Fake it till ya make it.

[sub](I think I’m channeling Tony Robbins this morning.)[/sub]

15

Physical beauty doesn’t mean shit. It’s all about inner beauty.

now, repeat that to yourself 200 times and you will feel better.

If not, repeat it again and keep doing it until it sinks into your head.

16

I’m uglier than shit on a stick. So?

How important are looks to you? Does part of your judgement of other’s worth include how good-looking they are? What do you think of people who judge other’s by their looks?

Answer these questions honestly then apply them to yourself.

17

What Milossarian said!!

I grew up thinking fat and ugly were synonymous and was so repulsed by my own appearance that I couldn’t even bear catching site of myself in store windows as I walked by. I was constantly hearing “You’d be such a pretty girl if only you’d lose weight…” and many variations thereof. I shrunk into myself (as much as I possibly could), and all I ever wanted back then was not to be noticed by anyone. It was such a painful time in my life.

Then one day, when I was in deep self-pitying mode, a friend told me the cold, hard truth… What was really unattractive about me was my attitude. I spent so much time waiting to be rejected that I put up insurmountable walls that kept almost everyone away. Somehow I found the courage to fake the confidence I wanted but didn’t have, and that made all the difference. I started dating for the first time in my life and found that there were lots of men who were drawn to me because of my personality. Sure, there are people who won’t find me attractive, but there are also people I’m not physically attracted to either–that happens.

I look back on pictures of myself from high school and remember how repulsive I thought I was and I can’t believe it. I’m not a raving beauty and never will be, but I’m a very attractive woman with generous curves and I’ve learned to appreciate what I have. My SO felt he was unattractive because he’s bald! Was he surprised to discover that I’m incredibly attracted to bald men!

I’m going to risk sounding all trite and new-agey but I’m gonna say it anyway–you have to learn to like yourself. There, I’m done. Now I’m gonna get down off this soap box and get back to doing laundry.

18

[my 2 cents]

IMHO there are no physically ugly people. There are people who are unattractive and people who are ugly on the inside, but I just don’t see ugliness as being a physical trait.

I work with kids and have worked with many unattractive ones who get teased and ridiculed and put down for what others see on the outside of their bodies. Some of these kids are SO incredibly kind and sweet and generous despite how others view their outside appearance. Unfortunately some of them take to heart what others see on the outside and become defensive and insecure which sometimes leads them to being as mean as others are to them, but I can understand the pain they are going through. I was an unattractive child and young adult and some people probably think I’m unattractive now as well, but being told your ugly hurts and if your told that enough it becomes ingrained inside you. I’ve had to work through that and can now say that I accept myself for “who” I am and though I will always try to make my appearance the best it can be naturally, it’s not going to change “who” I am one way or the other.

So basically what I’m saying is that I don’t think ANY of you are ugly. At least not in this thread anyway ;).

[/end of my 2 cents]

19

Stupidity!

First of all, the definition of ugly is not “one who does not live up to the standards of Hollywood beauty.” Whatever Hollywood and magazines and the ad industry says is beauty is irrelevant. It’s arbitrary and useless. And not meeting it does not make you ugly – it makes you normal.

Furthermore, “their” definition of beauty is not universal. Haven’t you ever flipped through a Most Beautiful People spread and thought “ew – why’d they include him?”

I have a friend who is, frankly, fat. She is. But she’s got a beautiful smile, a great attitude, and a line of guys around the block who want her.

A guy friend of mine has a great body but bad acne. He’s very funny and outgoing, and fun to be around. He gets laid more than anyone I know.

No one I know thinks of either of them as ugly, but if they wanted to, I’m sure they could see themselves that way. And they’d be having a lot less fun.

A lot of my friends who consider themselves ugly and definitively are not, they obsess over stupid things. Like the friend who is dieting for her fiance and said that she wasn’t losing as much weight as we thought – she’s only 120 pounds now. And was shocked to learn that I weigh 120 pounds. We’re the same height and same weight, and she thought I was so skinny. And my stupid husband who whines about his gut. Sure, I wouldn’t mind if he started exercising more. It’s healthy. But I would much rather him continue to enjoy the fabulous meals he cooks than have him diet when he looks perfectly fine to me.

20

Dreamer, didn’t see your post before I posted.

Kids who tease others for being “ugly” also tease for being “stupid” or “smart” or “snobby” (shy) or anything else they can come up with. They’re the ones who have the problem; it doesn’t reflect any real problem of the tease-ee.

I was teased by other kids from the time I started kindergarten through the 7th grade. I was shy. It hurt (a lot), but even as a little kid I could see that it wasn’t ME who was somehow “wrong” – it was the jerks picking on me. And I felt very vindicated when I finally got to a new school with new people (8th grade) and suddenly it stopped. I was never popular, but I stopped being the girl everyone picked on, and it made life a lot easier.