Fuck you, you motherfucking slimy excuse for a uterus

The BBQ Pit
1

Yes. You. Get over here and siddown.

YOU, you liver colored, pear like set of bulbous steer horns called my reproductive system.

I am through screwing around with you. I put up with your god damn cramps for well nigh to 17 years now…I’ve bled like a fucking stuck pig so you can feel nice and clean and refreshed every month or so.

Well it’s on now, kitten. I want a god damn baby in that uterus and I mean now. TODAY. A. S. A. MOTHERFUCKING P.

I feed you a warm, nutritious salty supply of semen on a regular basis.

SHUT UP BITCH. It doesn’t matter how I know it’s salty. I just KNOW… OK? I’m calling the fucking shots here.

And what do you do? Reject it. eww eww…we don’t like that sperm … ew ew ew ewwww. We’re eggs. We’re better than you…

Well I got news for ya, Miss High and Mighty;

If you slough yourself this month…it is all over for you, Sally. ALL OVER. I’m not sure how I’m going to punish you, but god knows I’m gonna if there isn’t a cute little pink and brown fish eyed alien like thing growin’ inside you by October that I can brag to my mom about when I go down to Charlotte.

Maybe I’ll take rides on vigorous rollercoasters, with the bar RIGHT ACROSS MY MID SECTION.

Maybe I’ll play catch with a medicine ball.

These are just options, bitch. I’ve got a million of them…just try me.

So shut your cervix, stock up on that velvety uterine lining and get ready to sing some cock sucking, motherfucking lullabies…STAT.

It’s just about time you started earning your fucking keep, you pulsing,viscous inverted pear.

Over.

and OUT.

2

I’ve haven’t read anything that funny since the prehensile rectum thread. Still I’ve never known threats to be very effective with a uterus. It just brings out the defiant streak in them.

That’s why mine always finds a way to start sloughing at massively inconvenient times, even though it has to massively rearrange its schedule in order to do it. If your uterus is anything like mine, it’s just plain impudent.

3

Good luck jarbabyj!!

4

Sad topic.
Funny thread.

Best of luck jarbaby, I can’t imagine how stressful it must be to keep trying and trying with no results.
If it helps, I’m picturing you hugely pregnant and waddling down the hall right now.

bella

5

Wow… jarbabyj, that was great! You rock.

From a father of three who recently got fixed, after many reproductive trials and tribulations of our own… best of luck! And if that uterus doesn’t listen, kick some ass! grins

6

Luckily, I’m still at the point where I can write humorous if not threatening threads on the subject. Six months from now, if I’m not gorging my self on pickles…y’all will be seein’ a different Jar.

7

Wow. The miracle of life. Brings a tear to my eye. >sniff<

Good luck to you and yours.

8

Don’t forget belly flops off river overpasses.

9

YES! The torture will continue until the pee turns blue

10

Best of luck to you…I’ll send you some of my reproductive luck. All I have to do is look at a guy in tight pants and I’m knocked up! At least, that’s how it was before I got fixed.

11

May I suggest the position of Mike Tyson Punchbag for a good half hour or so? We’ll be sure to tell him how he has anger control issues, and how he shouldn’t be slapping women around no more. That ought to get him in the zone.

12

jarbabyj- You will have a baby. Don’t stress about it.

Tension fucking where all kinds of weird thoughts run through your mind (I’m ovulating - do it to me now, NOW, right NOW! Argh, I need a perfect petit mort orgasm to ensure fertilization, etc. ) isn’t good for making babies.

Set a date a year from now and then forget about it. If by that date your not pregnant, go see the OB/GYN. They’ll do a bunch of tests and then you’ll have a whole team of people working to get you pregnant :slight_smile: With all the drugs and procedures available, I 'm sure that you’ll eventually be a jarmamaj.

13

jarbabyj,

As a woman who has had reproductive problems for 8 years now, only in resulting in 1 pregnancy (which I later miscarried) I have to say you have summed up EXACTLY how I have felt in the past few years.

Thank you! and good luck!

14

I think it would listen a bit more closely if it wasn’t in the fridge behind the milk. You might wanna throw it in the microwave for a little while.

:wink:

15

GKW, ob-gyn said ‘there is no reason I shouldn’t be pregnant in six months’. I have to go back then. Until then she has put me on probation :slight_smile: I am not allowed to do temping, or keeping track of cervical mucus, I’m not even allowed to go to fertility message boards. My assignment is to have sex with abandon many days.

There have been worse prescriptions.

16

This part makes me laugh.
jarbabyj
My doctor told me it was best to have sex every other day rather than every day when I was trying to get pregnant. This allowed Mr. Honey’s “swimmers” to build back up a bit.

17

Right Honey. She told me that too. She in fact said, if we’re really busy, just to have sex on day 12, 14, and 16 of my cycle, and stay in bed for a half hour after wards.

OH TO HAVE A HALF HOUR TO LAY AROUND!!!

J

18

Jar, seriously, lay the fuck around for half an hour. Make time for it. If you succeed in your mission, it will be the last rest you get for more years than you want to think about.

Soon as I finish this damn dissertation, I’ll be right there with you in the uterus watching club. Have you tried affirmations?

“I am a good uterus, I listen to what my brain tells me”

“I am a strong uterus, I can carry a child around for as long as I need to”

“I am a happy uterus, all I want is to live in harmony with the desires of the rest of my body”

“I have a friendly cervix, I like to party with the swimmers, lets invite them home!”

Shit like that.

19

I’m just too angry with my uterus to talk to her right now.

She just…makes life so difficult. She’s a bitch. We’re not talking.

20

This is the funniest rant I’ve read in such a long time. Seriously Jarbabyj, you do rock.

And I hope you are pregnant soon!