As you know, we’ve had a very close living relationship for some time now. Generally, I am very happy with how we interact. As you know, though, sometimes even little things can start to affect an overall happy situation if they go on for long enough. In that spirit, Uterus, I’d like to bring a few things to your attention; working together, I am confident that we can resolve these little disagreements forthwith, so that ours can continue to be a healthy, fulfilling mutual life.
First let me say that I applaud your desire for personal and spiritual growth. It’s good to have goals, and I’m glad that you’ve taken it in mind to become an Olympic gymnast. I feel I must point out, though, that your training regimen seems a little… spotty, shall we say? And, invariably, your desire to renew an intense schedule of harsh calisthenics comes at a time when it is not convenient for me to be out of work and school for days on end. Please believe that I support your goal - it’s just that I think we could probably work out an alternate schedule for your training days that would be better for both of us. In addition, scheduling in advance will give me ample time to alter my own schedule accordingly, so that my own goals aren’t hindered by yours.
Next, I’d like to address some of your housekeeping habits. I freely acknowledge that I am not the neatest roommate, and for that I apologize. I will do my best to improve that in the future, and I would appreciate any constructive feedback you have on the subject. However, I think it’s a little unfair to compare not washing the dishes with your compulsive hoarding. I have informed you, in no uncertain terms, that I am never having children. I do not want children. I do not like children. So it really feels disrespectful to me that you continue making extra lining and hoarding it, hoping to catch me in a moment of weakness that would allow you to fulfill your apparent goal of creating a child on my behalf. That makes me pretty angry, honestly. And it really doesn’t help that when we have discussions about this (once a month or so), you get defensive and stomp off in a huff, only to make a huge show of throwing out your hoarded lining for the next few days. If we could talk about this like adults, I am certain that we could come to a mutual understanding of rights. I hate to put it like this, Uterus, but I feel like you’re trying to trap me into this relationship. I don’t want you to be insecure - I really am attached to you - but I won’t put up with blackmail.
Lastly, we need to talk about your relationship with Vagina. I don’t know what’s going on between you two, but I want it to stop. Cervix is caught in the middle, and it’s very unfair to her - some days she’s up, some days she’s down, some days she can’t even leave her room. I am well aware that it’s because of you two fighting around her, and I don’t like it. It’s rude, it’s childish, and it’s completely uncalled for. I want you to know that I’m sending a similar note to Vagina, and we’re calling an All Body Meeting about the ongoing argument. It’s time to resolve this like grown-ups, and I am not going to put up with it anymore.