Dear Uterus

As you know, we’ve had a very close living relationship for some time now. Generally, I am very happy with how we interact. As you know, though, sometimes even little things can start to affect an overall happy situation if they go on for long enough. In that spirit, Uterus, I’d like to bring a few things to your attention; working together, I am confident that we can resolve these little disagreements forthwith, so that ours can continue to be a healthy, fulfilling mutual life.

First let me say that I applaud your desire for personal and spiritual growth. It’s good to have goals, and I’m glad that you’ve taken it in mind to become an Olympic gymnast. I feel I must point out, though, that your training regimen seems a little… spotty, shall we say? And, invariably, your desire to renew an intense schedule of harsh calisthenics comes at a time when it is not convenient for me to be out of work and school for days on end. Please believe that I support your goal - it’s just that I think we could probably work out an alternate schedule for your training days that would be better for both of us. In addition, scheduling in advance will give me ample time to alter my own schedule accordingly, so that my own goals aren’t hindered by yours.

Next, I’d like to address some of your housekeeping habits. I freely acknowledge that I am not the neatest roommate, and for that I apologize. I will do my best to improve that in the future, and I would appreciate any constructive feedback you have on the subject. However, I think it’s a little unfair to compare not washing the dishes with your compulsive hoarding. I have informed you, in no uncertain terms, that I am never having children. I do not want children. I do not like children. So it really feels disrespectful to me that you continue making extra lining and hoarding it, hoping to catch me in a moment of weakness that would allow you to fulfill your apparent goal of creating a child on my behalf. That makes me pretty angry, honestly. And it really doesn’t help that when we have discussions about this (once a month or so), you get defensive and stomp off in a huff, only to make a huge show of throwing out your hoarded lining for the next few days. If we could talk about this like adults, I am certain that we could come to a mutual understanding of rights. I hate to put it like this, Uterus, but I feel like you’re trying to trap me into this relationship. I don’t want you to be insecure - I really am attached to you - but I won’t put up with blackmail.

Lastly, we need to talk about your relationship with Vagina. I don’t know what’s going on between you two, but I want it to stop. Cervix is caught in the middle, and it’s very unfair to her - some days she’s up, some days she’s down, some days she can’t even leave her room. I am well aware that it’s because of you two fighting around her, and I don’t like it. It’s rude, it’s childish, and it’s completely uncalled for. I want you to know that I’m sending a similar note to Vagina, and we’re calling an All Body Meeting about the ongoing argument. It’s time to resolve this like grown-ups, and I am not going to put up with it anymore.


Your Host.

Could someone with more time and creativity please compliment this gem with a perspective from the Man’s point of view? Prostate, Testicles, and Penis often need a good verbal lashing for not playing nice together. Testicles often hoard and Ass Crack could benefit from a good lecture on housekeeping.


Good luck with that. In my case, I found it easier to just evict Uterus and Cervix and keep Vagina. Vagina and I get along juuuuuust great without those other two troublemakers. Oh, yeah, and the Ovary Twins. They’re okay, too, but they do tend to make me moody occasionally.

I love my Uterus–except for maybe three or four days out of the month, at which point I want to apply a flamethrower to her…

Ooo, let me talk to mine, too:

Uterus, we need to get something straight here. Our doctors put us on continuous oral contraception so those awful menstrual hormonal rushes don’t create an awful migraine each and every single day of the period. Right. Let’s read that again, shall we - “continuous oral contraception.” As in, no period. No reason to be bleeding. Instead, you decide to speak up and short circuit all of this medication. I have no idea why you like to have a period, or why it seems to correspond to 4 weeks after the last one since this isn’t a cyclic pill or anything, but every other month or so, you decide “yay, let’s have a period!” So I get the goddamned menstrual migraines anyway (and it’s not like I don’t have enough non-hormonal migraines, so I could really use a break on this), I have to take a 3-day break from my pills, and I end up bleeding, dealing with the digestive issues, etc., for no apparent good reason.

You’re getting to the point where you can’t get away with this for much longer, you know. We’re getting old enough that a doctor might listen to me if I say I want you out.


Thank you.

That is all,


My turn, my turn!

Uterus, I know you’ve been working on your behavioural issues and I am thankful for that. You’ve cut down on your hoarding and no longer throw temper tantrums like you used to (although I would appreciate it if you would never do that at all).

However, we need to buy you a calendar. The day before my husband’s birthday is NOT a good time for you to do your monthly cleaning. It’s bad enough having to deal with you tossing your mess into my lap once a month without having it affect a special day for us. I’m sick and tired of this, and I’m sure you’ll pull the same stunt next month when my own birthday rolls around. Just be thankful that it’s not worth the effort to have you removed or I would.

Which may be amended to say:
Thank you, Penis

Thank is all.


Eh, I evicted Uterus and the Ovary Twins. I don’t miss them at all. Cervix left some of herself with me, but that’s OK. Uterus was the real troublemaker, with her bipolar tendencies and inability to keep to a schedule.

Dear Uterus -

I wish you’d stop harrassing Brain. We all know that Brain has a soft spot for you and that she’ll believe just about anything you tell her. We also know that it’s you, and no-one else, that with regular intervals sends her messages from faked senders, making her believe that everyone hates her, that the world’s about to end and that her arms and legs are much shorter than they really are (cups and carpets are expensive!). Add to that the fact that Brain gets so upset she forgets to leave the door open for me.

Uterus, please knock that shit off. I don’t know what your problem is, but you’re not fooling anyone.


Uterus, I don’t have any plans to use you, but I understand you apparently won’t quit hoping, at least not for another twenty or so years. But could you please leave Intestine out of it? It’s not enough I’m bleeding, but to coax Intestine to quit doing its job of absorbing that extra water…it’s disgusting. And you’ve been doing this since I was thirteen.

Dear uterus,

The day I finally manage to kick you out will be the best day of my life, you disruptive, free-loading, obnoxious sack of cells. I hate you and everything you do. At best you’re just unnecessary deadweight I’m hauling around that will never be used. But you’re not satisfied with just that, no. No, instead, you have to try to hijack every other system in my body. You cause all sorts of problem, cause all sorts of pain, and generally piss me the hell off.


The one who wants you dead.

Dear Penis and the Testicle Twins,
Thank you for all the pleasure you have brought me as well as the pleasure you have provided. You are a true friend who is always there for me night and day. When there was no one else to play with, you were there. You have never let me down, always quick to rise to the occasion, though sometimes you finished a little abruptly. That’s OK, you made up for it with repeat performances!

Sure, when we were younger you made life a little embarrassing at times: When we had to go up to the chalkboard and you decided that would be the perfect moment to notice the girl in the tight skirt. Or when you would make those messes in the middle of the night. But I always forgave you and gave you a pat on the head and stroked your ego.

As for you, Testicles: You guys need to toughen up a little. You’ve done some great work, produced billions of little swimmers that had incredible strength and endurance. But you guys just can’t handle rough treatment! Falling on the bicycle bar, a hard hit when playing football and you make me feel like barfing! Even when my wife plays with you two a little too tough, I feel like screaming. I can’t even wear certain types of underwear because you two complain about how you’re getting strangled by the material. I’ve known you two all my life but you have to learn how to handle it when life hits you hard. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll never get rid of you guys! I just wish that I could go biking without being afraid that I’m going to wind up holding an icebag on you.

Anyway, thank you all again for the fun you have given me. Maybe if we’re really lucky we can get my wife to give you a kiss goodnight as a way of saying thanks. You know I’d do it but I just don’t bend that way.


For almost 2 years I realize cervix has been getting a lot of attention. She’s been a little under the weather. She has not been acting like a spoiled brat. She truly was sick. So, now after the second visit with the not so nice freeze ray, she has been declared all better. Great rejoicing was in the land. Are you missing all that attention near by? Got a small case of what about me? Do you really miss all that poking and prodding? I can tell I don’t. Cervix is pretty happy the invasions have stopped as well.

It’s not like you have been such a good girl over the years. I understand it’s not all your fault, but really now, you know I’m a busy woman and demanding 7-8 days of attention a month is really over the top. However, I got used to it. Of course chosing to take a few months off every now and then did win you some brownie points. But now? Fibroids? Puulease. You do realize that I could sublet that space you’re occupying? I’m sure intestines could use a little extra room every now and again. I’m >< this close to serving eviction papers.

Dear Uterus,

Could you please pick a different color for your decorating? Or at least if you are going to keep using red over and over again quit changing your mind every month and chucking out what you’ve already got if you are just going to keep redoing everything exactly the same way. You are not being very economical.


This thread needed to be made.

O Uterus, we are going on week three now of incredibly painful cramps. I have been unable to go out and play in the sunshine and even missed a day of work because you decided to be pissy and immature. Do you have any idea how seriously fucked up it is that I have PMS three weeks out of every month? Your new roommate, IUD, has been living with you for over 4 months now and it’s high time you learned how to get along. You have been emotionally and physically abusive and it’s time to stop.

Well now, did Uterus agree to have IUD move in, or was this your decision to force this unwelcome roommate on her. IUD doesn’t pay rent. IUD takes up all the room on Uterus’ couch - and pokes her! You are Uterus were so much happier before YOU decided that YOU needed IUD. Plus, before IUD Uterus had that monthly expectation that she’d be useful…even when you were on the pill she could at least pretend. Now you are basically throwing it back into her face that you don’t need her right now!!! How do you expect a girl to feel?!

Dear Uterus,

Thank you for holding our baby in the perfect warm, wet cradle at her beginning. Thank you for feeding her and protecting her while she grew big and strong. Thank you for pushing her out when she got too damn big to be carried around like that anymore. It was hard work, but you kept at it till the job was done, and done well. You might have been a little more efficient about it, but I realize it was new to you and you were doing the best you could. Many, many thanks for contributing to the love in my life.

Now it’s time to face facts. Nobody wants to go through that again. Why don’t you just retire? You’ve earned it.


Dear Uterus,

Why did you try to kill me? Listen to me, if I go down I am taking you with me.

Um, if you’re not going to ever, ever, ever have children, why bother keeping Uterus around? The rest of you will be happier without her and you can focus on more important things.

Just askin’.