To Hell With My Uterus

I am entirely fed up with my uterus. I am going to have that bitch yankedaASAP. Goddammitt I spent the whole of Thursday night tending to blood flow, changing underwear, changing sheets, changing the comforter, finding all the fucking bloodspots on the fucking floor before someone or somecat tracked it around. About 5am I finally got a few hours rest. I had to stuff all the linens in the washer, set to cold, before I went in to work late.

This bitch has given me nothing but trouble for thirty-eight mother-fucking dick-sucking son-of-a pox-riddled billygoat fart stinking gut-wrenching spiked-bowling-ball-on-a-trampoline-in-my-pelvis, tedious, unrelenting, fucking-twist-me-sidewaysaYEARS.

The only good thing was my daughter. And the sex was pretty good.

To continue, I had TSS in the 70s. Every month when I thought I could make it through the day at school, by 3rd hour I was in the bathroom, trying to decide which orifice needed the porcelain next. Several times someone brought the school nurse because I was huddled in the corner in early shock.

The 80s brought cycles of anovulation with periods of 2 days to 40 days.

The 90s brought finding out I’m semi-bicornate, pregnancy with morning sickness the entire time, early rupture of membranes so I had to go to the closest podunk hospital (where my OB doctor was not on call, and all our plans for delivery went for naught) and be induced with massive doses of pitocin without any pain relief because of the Nazi doctor. Not to mention the episiotomy and my then-husband who told all my friends that I didn’t want visitors the entire week we were in the hospital.

The oughts brought more regular periods but 7-8 days long every 24 days.

The teens are bringing peri-menopause with irregular heavy times and I am sick to death of this crap. I have an appointment in two weeks and this bitch is gone if I have to get out my crochet hooks and call a tow truck.

Shoulda rolled male. Dicks are awesome. :slight_smile:

Also, you have my sympathies.

I couldn’t read this and not post with support and applause.

I swear, we’ll know when women rule the world for real, because artificial wombs will be invented and used profligately.

Good luck finding someone to yank for you - I would suggest looking for a very young female GYN. Otherwise they’ll natter on about your femininity and how it’s such a drastic step to take and then you find out that assaulting a doctor is STILL a crime even when they totally deserved it. And really, jail is such a hassle.

On the flip side, at least you are in the right age-range for them to consider it - I’ve got another few decades before I have a chance in hell of convincing anyone to evict mine.

Ohhhh, I feel ya.

While I’m still totally in love with my Diva Cup, I will confess that my bitch cunt stupidface uterus has recently decided that, two days into my period, it’s happy fun cramp time. And it seems to be a little worse with the Diva Cup in place. I haven’t had such horrid cramps in decades. It’s like back labor with regular labor only it lasts for 2 days without breaks between contractions.

And the bleeding. Holy crimson tide, batman! Yes, yes, I know the average monthly menstrual flow. I’m the Queen of Period TMI on the Dope, after all. Yet all I can say is that I’m beating the monthly average before lunch at least three days a month.

I started wearing a pad instead of the Dive Cup on the heaviest, ouchiest days. Then I starting wearing two pads - one front, one back, overlapping in the center. Still leaking like Janet Leigh in Pyscho.

Finally, my grandmother died. She left behind a closet full of Depends.

Oh, yes, I did.

I used the depends after the birth of my twins and I stole extra disposable panties form the hospital. That after birth flow is no joke. One of the best things about pregnancy is not having to deal with the curse that is the period.

You know, I used to think that there’s no way I’d want to not menstruate, because what if your birth control failed and you’re pregnant?!

Then I ended up having migraines at least once a week, and on top of that, continuous migraines during my period. My neurologists and gynecologist said we might as well try the Mirena instead of the birth control pill; I’d tried different brands but they didn’t help.

Not only did it shut off my migraines, but it completely turned off my period. I get a little breakthrough bleeding (more like spotting) maybe every other month for a few days. And you know what? I don’t care that I don’t have that monthly “you’re not pregnant!” alert because this is so fucking awesome. So… yeah, uteruses can go take a hike.

Two words for you: endometrial ablation. It changed my life.

I’ve done Depends. I don’t have any in the house now and I was certainly not in the mood to walk into a store looking like someone had taken a chainsaw to my crotch.

I’ve also done the 2-3 super+ tampons at a time trick.

Thank you all for the support.

Not always. I wouldn’t mind having mine removed, it would simplify things.

OP, you have my sympathies also.

What a wonderful rant!

I had an unwanted pregnacy when I was 12. Things kinda blew up inside and every thing was removed, so I don’t really know how you are feeling. I do know many women who agree with you, though.

Good luc with getting that stuff removed. I still enjoy sex and I don’t have periods or worries about getting preggy…

I am 200% on board with this. My period kicked my ass this month; i’ve eaten random junk, slept poorly, had a headache, got five zits, and half my body hurt. I was not in my right mind the past few days.

At least my breasts didn’t hurt me. I would have had to kick someone’s face in if my boobs were giving me shit on top of everything else.

You ladies have it easy. Sometimes when it’s hot, your dick sticks to your leg and you have to kind of peel it off before you urinate while standing up. You know what I’m talking about, fellas!

Um…nope, can’t say I’ve ever experienced that!

I’ve got some very good women friends who suffer the agonies of hell: cramps, migraines, anemia, etc. My very sincere sympathies on your suffering. Let’s hope medical science figures out something to relieve the worst of this, at very least. And soon, dammit.

Also a cure for the common cold. 'Bout damn time, innit?

Try a different style of underwear. Or just try underwear.
My mother’s hysterectomy was recommended because her uterus had “shifted down” and was crowding her bladder. It helped with several other issues as well; she doesn’t wear Depends any more. And as the doc who proposed it said, “being 71 and with your general health, I sure hope you’re not planning on getting pregnant”.

I told my daughter a while back that an odd reaction to having prostate cancer surgery, with all its ramifications, was an odd sense of (partial) atonement for what women have to go through in the reproductive process. She didn’t take very kindly to that: she said that a twisted ovary and an ovarian cyst* only made her wish she were dead, whereas the cancer would really have killed me in fairly short order if not dealt with.

Anyway, you have my sympathies, for what they’re worth (which is exactly what you’re paying for them — less, in the case of subscribers).

*Fortunately, not at the same time.

Back when I was still having periods, this is what it was like. And then as I got older, the migraines started kicking in too. I went on Depo and haven’t had a period in fifteen years. Best. Decision. Ever.

Every lady should talk to her doctor about using birth control to stop menstruation. There’s probably even better options now but I’m happy with the Depo since I know it works. It may not be the right choice for everyone, but it should certainly be a choice women should decide for themselves.

It was nice knowing you, dude.

Boo fucking hoo, Turnip.

Now, now. Calm down. You’re getting hysterical! Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk! :smiley:

No. I just leave it where it is, bend down, and move my sock aside a bit. I don’t have to mop the floor, what do I care?