If, as Genesis says, humanity was created in God’s image, than the female reproductive system was clearly designed by Satan. I mean, if you built a roof that leaked every month, you wouldn’t get much more business, would you? But make an organ that leaks on a regular basis, and “Oh, that’s just the way things are, better get used to it.” But wait, there’s more! With the leaking comes mood swings, constipation, urinary frequency, nuclear flatulence that can kill an elephant at eighty paces, and, let’s not forget, an army of tiny gremlins wielding steak knives, stabbing you in the gut over and over again for hours.
But that’s just your everyday basic uterus. With the all-new Uterus Shuffle[sup]TM[/sup], you can get all the standard features you hate, plus randomized bleeding! Will your leakage last seven days, ten days, two weeks? We’ll surprise you! Will it happen all at once, or start and stop? We’ll surprise you! Will any or all of the delightful side effects sync with the leaking? We’ll surprise you! Will the Pill or Mirena you’re using actually do anything on any given day? We’ll surprise you! (But probably not). Will your doctor know what’s going on? If so, that’ll surprise us!
Uterus: the worst-designed organ since the appendix.
I Pit myself. How many decades does it take before I can outsmart this thing and put the pad in the right spot? It’s been 37 years already; you’d think I coud avoid ruining at least one pair of underwear a month. :mad:
Not to mention sheets. When I was having periods, they almost always started in the middle of the night, but I could never predict which day. I ended up buying white sheets all the time so that I could bleach the stains out of them. (I even experimented with using tampons and pads at the same time. Bled right through it all.)
I joked about throwing myself a menopause party, but I am super happy to not have to deal with all that mess anymore.
Don’t forget occasionally passing out! As a teenager I use to pass out sometimes during my time of the month. I’m 46 now and I missed my period last month - “Haaaaallelujah Haaaallelujah!”
I KNOW RIGHT??? Mine has always been pretty regular and it’s been more wonky in recent months. COULD IT BE??? PLEASE???!?!?? Mom had hers at 50 and I’ll be 49 this year. Fingers crossed.
Ha! I totally feel you! I’m also 37 and am still horrible at periods. Always unprepared. Never remember to take drugs to ease the pain. Always making a mess. I feel like my friends probably think I’m an idiot because I’ve always got some sort of problem or complaint when it comes up (if it comes up).
Makes me so mad that I have to spend so much time and money taking care of this body part I have no use for :-/
and apparently they cause amnesia. Every month for the 20 yrs we were together, she would be caught low on supplies, and also wonder why everyone at work was suddenly being such an ass all at once.
I’m happy to pit my damn circus freak of a uterus. It is still running like a German train, and I turned 50 last January. That means that June 6th will be 39 years of this crap. Yes, I remember the date of my first period, because it was the last day of school that year, and had been circled on my calendar since the previous August.
I went through menopause early and was completely done by age 46. There were some uncomfortable times - night sweats and bouts of inexplicable anger/rage…but hey no one died by my hand so #winning! Not to gloat but it’s amazingggg not having a period. Great. Seriously so great.
Pitting fully endorsed. In my teens and 20s I’d bleed heavily nonstop for months on end, enduring hideous cramps, random spotting like something out of Carrie, and every gym class or long car trip was a fucking nightmare. Doctors were useless, condescending, dismissive, even after the Worst Period Ever left me dangerously anemic and so tired I couldn’t walk across a room without needing to rest. I started perimenopause at 38 and even the mood swings and hot flashes are a cakewalk compared to the other bullshit.
FUCK YOU, UTERUS, YOU WORTHLESS, FREELOADING, MISERABLE SACK OF TISSUE! GO DIE IN A FIRE AND TAKE THOSE USELESS CUNTS THE OVARIES WITH YOU!!!