Cheap fucking thrills on the red line train

The BBQ Pit
1

I have lived in Chicago for almost seven years now, and I take public transportation to work every single day. I enjoy it. It’s jiggly. It thrills me.

Apparently, though, not quite as much as it thrills YOU, shitfist. Answer me this real quick: Do you think I’m some sort of fucking half lucid coma patient, that I don’t see, feel or indeed SMELL you leaning against me on the not very crowded train? Do you think I’m so unfamiliar with male anatomy that I don’t realize that that is your two inches of rock hard fury pressing into the small of my back? Guess what? The jig is up, Boo Radley. Do me a big giant gooey favor and keep your fucking Bob Evan’s Sausage Link fingers off of my thigh, lest I turn the tables and shove your own foot up your meatus.

What is your plan there, inch high private eye? That I’ll get all sticky wet with arousal like the gals you read about in Club and jack you off with my thumb and forefinger on the way to North and Clybourn? Sorry, pal, I’ve got this sort of hygiene fetish…color me picky.

And if I could just nitpick your performance for a moment here, you’re not exactly The Talented Mr. Ripley. When I yell out, “Get your fucking hands off me”, no one’s buying the Alfred E. Newman look of amazement on your faulknerian idiot face. We all know the facts, or perhaps FACT:

You are gross.
It’s just that simple. DON’T TOUCH ME AGAIN.

2

Buy a car.

3

Beautiful rant! I’m from the Chicago area and I know how obnoxious transit pervs can be. Great use of the demasculization tactic. I would implore you to use the “cocktail hotdog” and the “smoky link” insults next time you confront one of these knuckle-draggers. Carry on.

4

The red line, huh?

Well see there’s your problem. mrs beagledave used to commute from Oak Park. All the freshly bathed gropers ride the Green Line.

5

Good rant. Loved it!

6

“The jig is up, Boo Radley.”

That’s gold, jarbabyj. Gold!

7

On the oh-so-civilized Metra train, sitting up top has allowed me to see guys down below discretely (or so they think) “making the scene with a magazine.” At 6:30 in the morning?

8

I have a car. It’s just the 18.50 a day for parking that I can’t seem to swing.

So I guess I have to put up with being so subtley violated by someone who looks like a slightly less savory version of Pinhead.

9

I have to respectfully disagree. What did poor Boo Radley do to deserve a comparison with a pervert who gets a hardon leaning against women on a train. Boo was a little awkward, sure, but he was A-OK in the end.

10

Different strokes for different folks. Some people get bored of vanilla.

11

Buy a cattle prod.

12

Gotta love the Purple line, all them Evanston hotties know how to bathe on a regular basis and the weirdos are more the granola hippie type :slight_smile:

OT; I just found out we are planning on moving from the Merchandise Mart this year so my days of easy commutes are numbered:(

13

I’d like to clear this up, Zoff, as Boo Radley is one of my fave Literary Characters.

This guy LOOKED like Boo Radley, but was certainly lacking in the endearing quiet tenderness.

14

:eek: What line do you take to work?

I take the Burlington Northern, but maybe those weirdos don’t ride after 7 am… shudder

15

Now this is great, if only because I just came from your thread where I can appreciate all the nuances.

16

vanilla is nothing if not exciting.

17

Oh, OK. I just wasn’t sure if you were making a “weird” comparison, so I thought I’d rise in Boo’s defense.

By the way, if the guy on the train asks you to check his tree for a present, I’d pass.

18

Oh, have you ever felt the weenie of a
pervert on the train,
as it pressed against your fanny
and left a sticky stain?

Have you ever smelt the weirdo
who leans against you with a wink,
and befouls the air you’re breathing
with his ever-loving stink?

Have you ever held your head high
while some stunted little freak,
tries to get his jollies off the
timid and the meek?

Well don’t fear, my dear, for there’s hope
to be found–
just hit the Windy City
And drag jarbaby around!

She’ll gladly turn and lash right out
at dirty pinching hands;
She’ll announce to fellow passengers that
This lech is not a MAN.

And when the smelly, sticky punk
Denies that he’s to blame
She’ll simply punch him in the nose
And go about her day!

19

Aaaah, you’ve met Abe Froman.

20

He IS the sausage king of chicago