Rhaaaargh! Hulk Smaaash!!!

The BBQ Pit
1

The Kid and I went to go see The Hulk this evening. Fun show, almost.

The movie isn’t bad. I enjoyed it. I did find two things rather unpleasant about it, though, and one of them is something I’ve griped about before.

The first thing was that the &^#% theatre refuses to use projector bulbs of the proper wattage in the *&%# projector. They use lower wattage bulbs, to save money. Unfortunately, this has the effect of showing the film rather darkly. The entire climax of The Hulk happens at night, and now I’m gonna have to go rent the frickin’ thing when it comes out on video in order to see all those multimillion-dollar special effects the way Ang Lee intended me to see them.

&%$#@!

…and the other was the $#@%& toddlers.

Two of them. Babies, really, young enough that they weren’t allowed any further away than Mommy’s arm could reach.

You know what? A movie about a guy who turns into a nine-foot green horror monster and dropkicks tanks across Monument Valley is probably NOT a good movie to bring small children to see. Especially considering the child abuse scenes. The kids didn’t like it. They screamed.

And screamed.

And screamed.

…and the last time I had to sit through this nonsense in a movie I paid to see, I swore that I was going to stand up and shame SOMEbody into taking the screaming infant OUT OF THE *&%#ING THEATRE!!!! IS THERE NO *&%# THING AS COMMON COURTESY ANY *&%$#@ MORE?!?!?!?

I HATE that. And all too often, you’ll hear a baby cry, and suddenly get a distant doppler effect, as somebody hustles the screaming child out of the theatre. Got no beef with that. I can certainly understand the desire to get out and see a movie occasionally. Being a new parent is certainly no picnic, and I can handle a moment’s discomfort if the little devil decides to test his vocal cords, right? As long as MY right to see the *&%$#@ movie I paid for is respected.

…so naturally, Mom One simply lets her little monster scream like he had a sandblaster jammed up his nose.

This set off the other child belonging to Mom Two, elsewhere in the theatre.

Mom Two saw no point in going anywhere. After all, Mom One wasn’t taking HER child outside now, WAS she?

Meanwhile, it’s reached a point where I can’t even hear the *&%$#@ music any more. All I hear is shrieking infant, in two-part harmony. Meanwhile, up on the screen, even the actors are getting irritated.

Well, one actor, anyway.

I turned and stared at Mom One. She saw me staring at her. Several other people turned and stared at her, too. She shrugged, and went back to watching the movie. Meanwhile, her child howled away.

I stared at her some more. She pointedly avoided making eye contact. It occurred to me to get up and go stand right in front of her, and wait for her to ask me to move, at which point, I would reply, “Well, ma’am, since I can’t hear the *&%$ing movie, I figure it’s only fair that YOU shouldn’t be able to SEE the *&%$ing movie.”

About then, the child of Mom Two let go with one of those insane high-pitched hypersonic squeals that makes you feel like you just got an icepick in the brain, the kind of screech that only babies and trained opera singers can perform properly.

…and something snapped. I was on my feet before I realized my butt had left the theatre seat. “JESUS JUMPED-UP CHRIST ON THE FOURTH CHAIR TUBA!” I roared. “I PAID TO SEE THIS *&%ING MOVIE! ARE THOSE *&%#@ CHILDREN OF YOURS GOING TO SCREAM ALL THE *&%$ING WAY THROUGH THE *&%ING MOVIE?!? IS IT ASKING TOO *&%#@ MUCH FOR YOU PEOPLE TO TAKE YOUR *&%$ING OFFSPRING OUTSIDE UNTIL THEY CALM DOWN?!? THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THIS *&%$ING MOVIE THEATRE WHO PAID TO BE HERE, YOU STUPID ARROGANT @#&%$$S!”

I stood there, realizing I had lost my temper. My chest heaved. My fingers clenched and unclenched, and I got a grip very quickly, realizing that I was likely about to get tossed out of the theatre. And that was assuming that Mom One and Mom Two didn’t have husbands or boyfriends handy who might take umbrage at my assessments of their womenfolk’s social skills.

Nobody said a thing. Even the babies were quiet. All I could see was about fifty pairs of eyeballs staring at me, like little pairs of golf balls in the darkness. The air was filled with the sound of crashing concrete. “RHAAAARGH!” I roared.

Oh, wait, that wasn’t me –

I glanced around. Behind me, Bruce Banner had finally become angry.

You know what happens to him when he gets ANGRY, don’t you?

While I’d been howling and snarling, HE’D transformed into the Hulk and was doing some serious property damage. Some people tried to stop him, and he swatted them aside like toys. Some of them looked kind of injured.

I glanced back at the audience behind me. Still staring like golf balls. At least a few people seemed to have succumbed to heart failure, or perhaps shock. Off in the distance, I heard someone say something about “three-dee?”

(More like “audience participation,” bud.)

Well, it was quiet, at least. And I was missing the movie. I sat down.

And all through the rest of the film, I could hear the movie just fine. Still couldn’t SEE it for beans, but at least I could hear it…

(and in truth, I’m lyin’. It did occur to me to make a scene, but it also occurred to me that if Mom One and Mom Two just said, “No, I paid to be here too, and I’m not leaving. Eat $#!&,” that I might lose my temper… and who are the cops going to believe? Li’l mommy with her baby? Or the big hairy man jumping up and down and screaming profanity? In a theatre full of children? I sat there and kept my mouth shut, and Baby One and Baby Two nattered and howled off and on throughout the rest of the movie.)

(…but I sure like THIS version of the story better…)

2

Aw man… you’re right, I like the version you told better, too. :frowning:

3

Puny Human! Why you want stop Hulk from watching movie? Hulk SMASH!

4

Naw, You should have picked up the row of seats that Mom One and monster one were sitting in and swung it baseball bat like against the side of the theatre so they went trhough the wall and into Finding Nemo.

I’m sure Mom 2 would have got the message.

Oh and they probably have the right wattage bulb but the mirror may have needed adjustment or the bulb needed to be rotated or the amps needed to be turned up. But basically there is an extreme lack of projectionists in the projection booth.

5

Ranting and raving at the woman would have done nothing: she clearly doesn’t give a shit about anyone else. I’d have tried ranting and raving at the theater manager until he hustled one of his ushers in there to quiet the brats and/or eject the family. But then again, since they’re under-lighting the films they show, they probably don’t give a shit, either.

6

Rrrgh.

Hulk like you people.

Supportive.

:stuck_out_tongue:

7

Hulk was the worst movie I’ve seen in at least a month and a half.

To tell you the truth, I think some screaming babies would have improved the experience.

8

Hey, Wang-Ka, nice to have you back. Is it just me, or have you not been around much for a while?

9

Nitpick: The Hulk doesn’t have any (direct) child abuse scenes.

It does have scenes where children are watching traumatic events happening before their eyes, but that’s not IMO in the same category as “child abuse.”

10

I stand corrected.

And no, I haven’t been around much since the beginning of summer, up until a couple weeks ago. It’s nice to be back…

11

Is it too much for a six year old? Mine has just discovered the wonders of X Men and Batman and Spiderman and would much like to see it. He was very good during Finding Nemo.

12

I was wondering the same thing myself (although what with the mixed reviews, I don’t know that I want to spend 2 hours of my life watching this movie).
My 2 boys are almost 6 & 8, have seen Spiderman, Batman, all that…is The Hulk too violent for them to see on the big screen? I don’t believe they’ve ever seen a PG-13 movie in a theater…(wait! my husband took them to see Spiderman, and I yelled at him for taking them to a PG-13 movie). However, we own a DVD-rack full of them at home…Men In Black, Independence Day, E.T. etc.
Finding Nemo was cute…sat through it two times so far.

13

I’d say it wasn’t nearly as scary as Finding Nemo. There’s a good bit of violence. I wouldn’t say it’s too much for small children, but I’m the sort of irresponsible doofus who would plop a kid down in front of Texas Chainsaw Massacre without a second thought, so maybe I’m not such a great source of advice. Seriously, though, I have very liberal standards for showing violence to children: I loved slasher flicks when I was a pre-teen, and watched 'em all the time. I’m of the opinion that a good scare is ultimately beneficial to children. To judge if Hulk fits into your comfort zone for children, here are a few of the more violent things in the movie. HUGE spoilers follow:

[spoiler]There are also a lot of scenes of Hulk beating the crap out of stuff, but this is much more cartoony violence, and the filmmakers go out of their way to show no one getting seriously injured. Hulk throws a tank five hundred yards, and then the crew pop out of the top and take off running. IIRC, only four characters get killed on screen: an asshole military contractor accidentally blows himself up, a security guard gets smashed by the film’s supervillain, the supervillain himself seems to die in the end (although possibly not) and Bruce has a flashback to the death of his mother.

None of these deaths have any blood or gore, although Banner’s mom’s death may be particularly disturbing to children. Banner has repressed memories of his mother’s death, and in the film’s climax, finally remembers his father coming after him with a kitchen knife, but accidentally stabbing his mother instead. Although there’s no blood that I remember, the scene is very emotionally charged and might be too much for the young 'uns.[/spoiler]

Overall, however, I wouldn’t really recommend it to kids. Despite the comic book franchise, it’s not really a kids movie. It’s more concerned about the psychological damage the two main characters have suffered at the hands of their respective fathers than it is with big 'splosions. The Hulk doesn’t even appear for a good hour into the film. As an adult, I loved the film for it’s excellent directing, visual style, engaging characterization, and kick-ass mayhem, but as a child, I suspect I would’ve been bored to tears.

14

Thanks, ** Miller**. As I suspected, this is one we’ll rent from Blockbuster! Short attention spans involved (mine included) - we’ll be fast-forwarding to the action sequences.

15

Well, I have a beef with that. With all the movies available on video and DVD, there’s just no excuse or good reason to haul a very young child into a movie theater. If they can’t shut up for the duration of the film, they don’ belong there.

16

I couldn’t agree more! It annoys me to no end to hear babies/children screaming during the movies. Much like it annoys me to hear my cat throwing up hairballs one inch behind my head as I type this, but that’s another story. We didn’t take our kiddos to movies until they were ready to sit still for 2 hours, and our movie-going experiences are good for us and the rest of the audience. If your child can’t sit through the film, hire a babysitter.

17

I am inclined to agree with Miller’s assessment of the situation. It is not a children’s film, although if you rent it and fast-forward thru all the character development, they’ll have a fine time.

And I am not in favor of taking small children into ANY movie that is not especially aimed at them – any Rugrats film, for example. If nothing else, they can scream in THERE, because I won’t BE there.

…but as a parent, I can understand the driving need to get the &%$# out of the house once in a while, and with modern life the way it is, sometimes you just can’t find a babysitter.

I understand this. I understand that sometimes, you really wanna go see a given flick, and that you may just have to take the kneebiter along.

All I’m saying is that if the kneebiter can’t keep it together throughout the movie, then take the kneebiter outside.

That’s all. Simple, common courtesy. If you MUST bring infants into a movie theatre, please be prepared to deal with any ruckus they may cause, as opposed to simply continuing to watch the movie while your offspring ruins it for ME, thank you…

18

Arrrgh. Angry theatre-goer talk to manager.

Seriously, get the manager to ask the inconsiderate mommies to leave, otherwise, get your money back. (works everytime).

I’m sorry you had that experience. Some people are just oblivious and rude.

19

Okay, now that’s funny.
And I liked your rant, too, Wang-Ka.

20

No blood.
No sex.
No nudity (okay, just a teensy bit o’ buttock).
One big sharp-looking knife.
One big green buy smashing everything in sight.
One guy dies by fiery explosion with cheesy transition effect.
One hour of boring (to kids) expository dialog.
Three scary-looking mutated dogs.

Not sure if a six-year-old can hack it, but I think eight and up would be okay.