Thanks, lady, for bringing your screaming child to Returm of the King.

The BBQ Pit
1

This evening my wife and I went to the theater for our second viewing of Return of the King.

My rant is not about the film itself, which was wonderful. Nor is it about the sorry state of the film’s focus during our viewing, which would in other circumstances have warranted a pit-rant of its own. (The Riders of Rohan, to give you an example, appeared as a blurry band of vaguely horse-shaped blobs cresting a fuzzy hill when they arrived at that place, you know, the one which might be considered a spoiler, but all you who’ve seen it know what I’m talking about.)

No, this rant is not even about the person whose cell-phone went off about five minutes into the film, and who then talked on it for 30 seconds. Yes, I had to fight down the urge to grab both the phone and the offender’s head and then somehow arrange to fit the electronic device inside a human nostril. But my wife knows I’m not a violent person, and I didn’t want her to become alarmed.

I digress. My displeasure with the projectionist and the phone-cretin pales before my wrath at the parent of the five-year-old who started raising a loud fuss before and during the scenes at the Havens. The rational part of my brain would have been merely content to give said parent a stern glare or tongue-lashing, as their wanton brat ran amok some rows behind us, shouting and whining incoherently, for AT LEAST FIVE FULL MINUTES OF THE FILM, with no attempt at parental discipline more forceful that a quick “ssshhhhh” or harshly-whipsered “stop that!”

The visceral, pissed-off parts of my brain, hot with suppressed ire, wanted me to lash her with her own tongue, which I would have just gleefully torn free from her head while my fellow patrons cheered. After delivering a literal tongue-whuppin’ so profound that she would have tasted her own fear, I would have taken a blowtorch to every part of her benighted corpus between her belly-button and kneecaps, to make sure she never again spawned another sniveling, undisciplined, under-parented guttersnipe, let alone had the opportunity to inflict one on a theater-full of movie-goers.

The other folks in the theater were of like mind, I’m sure. While the hellion was crying and shouting seemingly unchecked through one of the most moving parts of the film, we collectively uttered enough “Jesus Christs” to ensure us our own Blasphemy Wing in the Seventh Circle of Dante’s Inferno. And I know we were all thinking the same thing: how would the kid’s mother look with the Witch King of Angmar’s enormous flail-head buried in her bloody, fractured torso? Now that would have been a happy ending.

Lady, how about next time, instead of dragging your five-year-old to a 210 minute movie that ends at 10:00 P.M., with no intention of disciplining said child no matter what it does until those around you threaten you with bodily harm, you do us all a favor, stay at home, and go fuck* yourself. Unless you’re a hermaphrodite, at least that way you’ll stop reproducing.

-P

  • This is my first pit-rant. I did have to drop an F-bomb in there somewhere, right?
2

I once went to a stage production, where a child in the audience one row behind me spent about 75% of the film shouting “I’m being quiet! Quiet! Quiet! I’m being quiet!”

3

At least I didn’t hear the ones who were there when I saw it…(it was the teenage boys hitting on the teenage girl in the row behind me.)

But I was at a 10:30 Christmas Night showing. Why were there a half dozen 8 (or younger) year-olds there? It was 10:30, at night. Their bedtimes had to be earlier than that. And the movie wasn’t going to end until 2am. What possesses you to bring a child that young to that late of a show?

4

snicker

5

Gotta love situations like that, don’t you?

6

Heh. I went to see ROTK for a second time with my dad and sister (who hadn’t seen it yet). There was this one guy there with a tiny infant who started crying every twenty minutes or so.

To his credit, he sat on an aisle seat and slipped out of the theatre whenever the kid started wailing. Still, you’ve got to wonder – what kind of a person think it’s a good idea to bring an infant to a three and half hour movie, especially one with lots of loud, scary noises?

Babysitters, people. If you can’t afford a babysitter, you can’t afford to go to the movies.

7

When I went to see it, the kid in question was probably around four years old, and was quite literally climbing all over the people in the theatre.

I got tickets for the Friday after opening day, on line, and then my friend and I waited in line for over an hour and a half to get decent seats when we got into the theatre. We end up seated directly in front of hell-beast and its mother.

This little animal screamed, cried, talked, and climbed on people while we waited for the movie to start. It pulled the ponytail out of my hair. It was ignored by its mother, who said not one single word to the little demon about how badly it was behaving.

I could have understood a small demon being there, had we been at a day showing, but no, it was a showing that started at 21:00. And when the movie did start, did demon-mother make any effort to corral the little demon? Hell no!

It ran rampant through almost the entire film. It didn’t stop running around, climbing on people, smacking me in the head, or shouting until a very pivotal part near the end of the film. No amount of glaring back at mother-demon and suggesting things like ‘Your kid is being a pain. Control it.’ worked, and being stuck in the middle of a very long row of seats, I did not want to disturb even more people by getting up, tripping over everyone down the row, and hauling back an usher.

It’s really too bad that there’s not an usher inside the movie at all times, making people who behave like that or allow their demons to behave like that leave the theatre.

8

catsix - when that happens you need to leave the theatre, find the manager, and demand your money back. If you don’t get a response, threaten to call the police/your lawyer, and have the woman charged with assault (given her child hit you) and have the theatre charged with negligence.

9

My guess is that these people don’t believe in baby-sitters. So instead they take Junior EVERYWHERE. It’s not a matter of affording a baby-sitter, it’s the pure conceit of thinking that Junior can’t survive for an entire two hours without Mommy around, but that Mom doesn’t need to adjust her life to him, so she takes him everywhere, even places he really shouldn’t be going! But they’re also enjoying their time out, so they don’t need to discipline him - he’s so cute!

(And those of you who practice attachment parenting, don’t get offended - I have a friend who practices AP with twins, and does an amazing job with it - I’m talking about the ones who don’t believe in discipline either and don’t recognize that there are places children don’t belong. There are good APers and bad APers.).

catsix, I would have grabbed a manager. I think complaints about unruly children are becoming more common - and people are becoming less and less afraid to complain about them.

I don’t know. I once left a theatre with my two cousins because at 7 and 4, they refused to stop talking during the movie and I didn’t want them upsetting the other patrons. And when we left, I made them pay me back for not only their own tickets, but for mine as well since they’d made me miss out on the movie. It worked - they learned never to talk in a movie again. But it seems like now people think that they’re in their own living rooms when they go to see a movie. As it is, my fiance liked to whisper during movies to me and doesn’t understand why I’m always telling him to be quiet.

Ava

10

I wish the parents could keep their teenage kids out of the movies as well or at least stay on the street. All that giggling etc.

Adults rule.

11

There’s the key, avabeth – people are so used to yakking, kids playing, and so forth while watching TV programs and videos at home, they don’t stop to think that they have to behave any differently in a public setting.

12

A girl of abour 14 sat in back of me in the movies, took off her shoes and stuck a foot next to my ear. I waited a moment and turned and said “If you are going to sit like that, would you please make sure you wash your feet first. Her reply” Don’t bother me or I will say you molested me. I moved. I guess that was her plan. Thinking back, I should have dumped my coke on her foot first.

13

Parthol, what did you do? I’m curious. Personally, I don’t hesitate to ask people to behave, and I will move to yelling if I don’t get the proper response. I don’t think I’m the one who has to suffer through someone else’s rudeness. Invariably I get cheers when it degenerates to yelling. Most people behave, and most people hate it when others don’t.

My wife hates how I deal with these things, so I have toned down a bit in recent years. And I think one has to make concessions to the time of day and type of movie. A matinee of a Disney film is going to have a lot of “patron noise” and there’s no use bitching about it.

Anyway, I just hate rude behavior like that. How dare someone ruin my movie experience (and especially ROTK).

14

Love some parents just sit there and drown out the sounds of their own kids whining and crying during the movies. Thanks asses, now my next 2 hours are pretty much ruined.

15

That is why there are now theatres hosting CineBabies… where parents can take their little ones, the sound of the movie is toned down somewhat and everyone expects there to be some crying and fussing.

If I ever take Caterpie to the movies with me in the next while I plan to go to a CineBabies showing, either that or I will find a babysitter. I hate people being that rude and kids have a certain leeway but the parents should know better.

16

Last time that (noisy child in theatre) happened to me, I waiting for a quiet establishing shot, with no dialogue, and said loudly “would whoever owns the child who is ruining the movie for me please deal with it before I do”… I got applause, and the ignorant parent seemed to get the message and removed the child from the theatre. The film was not ROTK (it was Bandits… hardly suitable fare for kids in the first place)

17

Meh, I’ve never understood how some people can possess so little common sense. It bothers me, it really does…

18

Ahhhh… common sense! That about sums it up, really, doesn’t it?

My theory is this… modern science is so amazingly good at keeping people alive against all the odds, from conception through child birth through the childhood years on through to the final years - well, quite frankly, the gene pool has been diluted with a huge percentage of people who go through life never having to employ common sense as a function of daily life. We are increasingly living in a world where all of our major decisions are made easier and easier by technology. Most importantly, the very real and worthy science of “being situationally aware” is simply NOT being taught anymore.

19

I dunno, BBF… I have a theory, but it’s simpler and more complex, all at the same time.

I really don’t think it’s the gene pool. Modern medical technology hasn’t been around for enough generations for the results to really crop up, statistically, although I’m not saying you’re wrong, and your point remains a good one… I’m just sayin’ it ain’t been long enough to know that for sure.

I don’t know that I’d say our major decisions are made easier by technology, either. Technology might affect what I’m going to see on TV, or what I’m going to eat for lunch, but I would have welcomed some technology that would advise me about what kind of car to get, or whether or not to get married, or what job offer to accept, or how to deal with it when a relative got cancer, or stuff like that.

I think you DO have a point about “situational awareness,” though… when you’ve got a pair of headphones on, or a cell phone on your ear, it’s very easy for even the smartest person to be distracted from what’s happening around 'em.

No, what I see is less awareness of two things: class, and courtesy.

CLASS is what your mother tried to teach you when you went out to that really nice restaurant, the one where you had to wear a tie? You know, what fork to eat with, how to address the waiter, stuff like that. The idea here was to put on a good front, to convince the people around you that you were persons of quality, as opposed to any old trailer trash who happened to win the pony races this afternoon, and could therefore afford to eat with the rich folks tonight, you know?

Nowadays, except in work-related situations, no one seems to give a damn about impressing anyone or providing any kind of semblance of class.

Used to be, even people with NO class tried to at least pretend they had some class. Nowadays, either you have class… or you don’t, and don’t much seem to care.

…which feeds into the second issue: courtesy.

I define “common courtesy” as “a level of social politeness one should maintain under normal circumstances with total strangers in public places.” That’s all it is: basic politeness. Of course, class figures into it, too:

Three ways to ask a stranger the time:

“Pardon me, (sir/madam), do you have the time?”

“Hey, what time is it?”

“Hey, there, Mac, what’s your watch say?”

Nowadays, however, courtesy seems to be largely optional among a good-sized segment of the population. Used to be, if enough people turned and stared, common courtesy and a sense of class demanded action of some sort, even if it was just being embarrassed enough to take your damn kid out of the theatre until he/she gets a grip.

Not any more, apparently.

I blame authority.

Used to be, there was something that went with power: noblesse oblige. Nobility with obligation. In short, if you were a big shot, you were also expected to dress, appear, and behave according to certain standards… and those standards invariably presupposed a certain level of class and courtesy towards others.

No longer. More and more, I think, a person’s personal power seems to be measured by how freely he may crap upon those around him, to what extent he may be rude and arrogant to others with impunity…

…and I think that the younger set has begun to pick this up. After all, ANY kid will freely tell any adult to go to hell if he thinks he can get away with it – kids are powerless, for the most part, and when they can stick it to a grownup and get off scot free, you’d be amazed at how many will jump at the chance, or how far they’ll go.

The story above that ended with “Don’t bother me or I’ll say you molested me,” doesn’t surprise me in the least. It’s the sort of power-playing that some people now substitute for courtesy when interacting with others.

Of course… this sort of thing has a price.

We live in a weird society. Every day, I look around me and think about how much the world looks like a John Waters movie. Especially when I read the news.

Something that has always been true is that you take a risk when you insult someone… unless you know EXACTLY what that person is going to do. Some guys won’t do anything. Some guys will start a fight. Some guys will look at you funny, then draw a revolver and fill you with lead.

I have had several movies spoiled now by people who saw no point in wasting courtesy upon me, and I’m not gonna take it any more. Next person who inflicts a crying baby on me… or a cell phone conversation… or one of their feet… or whatever…

…well, I’m gonna ask 'em politely to do something about their baby, or their phone, or their feet. Courtesy is important, and I mean to demonstrate all the class and courtesy I can.

…and if it doesn’t work, I’m just gonna stand up and move into position and block their view of the screen, and stand right there and stare at 'em. Not gonna worry about the other people around me.

…and when they tell me to move, I’ll just say "No. I tried being polite, but you blew me off. If I can’t enjoy this movie I paid to see, then neither can you."

Wonder what’ll happen?

Will we start hearing news stories about “Movie Theater Rage?”

20

Ummm skip the comments about the childs behavior.

Skip the comments about the lack of discipline for said behavior.

I saw ROTK yesterday…thankfully with no loud disruptions. There WERE, however, several kids around the same age 5-6 years old.

Am I the only person who thinks that the level of violence (hell…even forgetting the 3 1/2 length) in ROTK (a pg-13 flick) really ain’t appropriate for a 5 year old…even WITH a “parent” in tow?