All right, kids, I understand that you’re out for a big night on the suburban mall and felt like taking in a flick. I know that all the colored lights and big noises can be quite stimulating to your tiny peanut brains, and that the movie’s plot is sooooo much more confusing than your favorite Beavis and Butthead episode. But why can you not sit down and shut the fuck up? Are your little digestive systems so malformed that you can’t chew on a handful of popcorn without getting up and zooming around the front of the theater, shrieking like a zombie on speed and on fire? If I was your mama and you pulled that silly shit in a crowded theater in the middle of a movie, I’d drag your ass into the bathroom and beat you like a Hitler pinata.
And to the minifucker who sat next to me - You must have a bladder the size of a damn golf ball. I thought it was impossible to crawl over a total stranger to pee eight times in an hour and a half before tonight. Did you ever think of maybe NOT buying the Super Duper Kidney Splitter Size Mountain Dew? Or not chugging the whole thing down during the previews? Obviously you’re not old enough to be out of diapers yet.
And one more thing - SHUT! UP!!
I understand the guy is a ghost, okay? What tipped you off - that he doesn’t reflect in a mirror, that he was supposed to have died a couple of years ago, or that he’s saying things like “I have to leave soon?” Free tip, Mini Einstein Boy Scout Troop - MST3K is funny. You, on the other hand, are a bunch of bouncing shitballs in overpriced theater seats who can’t put a fucking lid on it. In fact, I wish you were humorous robots so I could take your defective brains apart and make some money selling them for scrap. Sit down, shut up and watch the goddamn movie.
I know it didn’t occur to you that this is probably the last movie I’ll see for about six months, because I know your sugarcoated little minds can’t comprehend anything more complicated than Happy Gilmore. Though it was a pretty stupid movie, I still would have preferred it without the constant prepubescent yammering coming from all directions. If I catch one of you fuckers in a movie theater again, I’ll drown you in my goddamn drink.
9.0 for the subject alone.
I couldn’t agree more. My SO and I are movie addicts and see 1 or 2 movies a weekend. Since that gets expensive, we try and do matinee’s. And if I see one more parent drag their five year old in an R Rated movie I will beat them, as you so incredible charmingly put it , like a Hitler Pinata.
Jeeves
Oh man, Jeeves, you just brought back bad memories of when I went to see Kiss of the Dragon and this one couple wheeled their daughter, who was in a stroller, into the theater and watched the whole thing. I wished I knew how to do those neck-breaking kicks.
Maybe he has a medical condition? Or maybe he got diarrea.
I’m sure he didn’t enjoy having to crawl over you 8 times, I’ll bet it was pretty embarassing to him to know that you were counting.
I love parents that seem to believe that R rated horror movies make great babysitting clinics for their toddlers. I love the pure tactile feel of a two year old shrieking into the back of my head for two hours. Subnormal IQ’ed soccer moms of America–I salute you.
That’s a Grrreeaat line! God, I can’t wait until I have a chance to use this… [sub]Note to World: Don’t piss off Tranq today… He’s packing new heat![/sub]
Oh, BTW: Hitler Pinata would be an awesome band name!
To take this on a sociological bent (subverting the OP for which I apologize)…
It occurs to me that more extroverted behavior in movie theaters began occuring with the rise in popularity of home VCRs. It is, of course, possible that I’m wrong but I seem to recall noticing it as a problem in the mid-80s or so. (allow me to also point out, as a factor in my observations, this would have coincided with my transformation from annoying, movie-going kid to annoyed movie-going young adult)
With the rise of movie watching in a home environment certain perceptions of standards changed. In my experience watching a movie at home is much less of an event than doing so in a movie house. It requires much less attention. At home there are others not watching the movie and providing distractions (cooking, reading, anything really) and it becomes accepted that movies are entertainment that don’t require consideration of others.
Then is it not possible that such a behavior pattern begins to be applied to movies rather than movies in a home setting? Which of us hasn’t watched a movie at home and commented upon it (scathingly or praisingly) to the people watching it with us? Naturally, a certain number of people are going to continue that behavior in the other venue in which movies are watched.
Does that make any sense? Or am I just using an academic pretense to say, “KIDS TODAY! THEY GOT NO CONSIDERATION!”
Jonathan, I think you’re dead on. I’d add two more factors: the demise of the usher and the increase in price. I’m too young (at 32) to remember when ushers had real power and respect, but I know from my parents and grandparents that at least into the early 1960s ushers had no problem kicking misbehaving patrons out. It today’s megaplex, ushers posted for every screening would simply cost too much.
The ever-increasing ticket price may also make people think that they’re entitled to do whatever they please for their $10.00 (NYC price, and no matinee discounts here). Audiences become even more badly behaved, which would require not so much a minimum-wage teenaged usher but a bar bouncer.
You can’t embarrass kids under the age of 13. So scream at them all you want, make killer noises under your breath, they won’t care. They still think the world is under their feet at that age and pretty much know that no one in a movie is gonna hurt them. Now the parents, that’s a different story.
Didn’t “Little Bouncing Shitballs” open for “Hitler Pinata” at CBGBs in the late '70s?
. . . Anyway, another reason for ill-mannered, impertinent puppies—of all ages!—at the movies is teevee. They are so used to talking and eating and doing goodness-knows-what else while watching TV that they no longer realize that you SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP in a movie theater. Also, of course, most people think that all of their verbal dribblings are soooo clever that we all are grateful to share the wit and wisdom.
Me, I just wait till it comes out on video. Then I go, “oh, heck, I’ll wait till it’s on cable.”
Second-run theatres are where it’s at, baby. We haven’t seen a first-run movie since, well, I can’t remember when. We go to second-run movies, pay $3 each, sit in half-empty theatres, and walk out if the movie sucks too much. There’s pretty much nothing put out by Hollywood that I can’t wait 2 months to see.
I worked as an usher at a movie theatre in my youth. Because I enjoy movies, and have the same sentiments, even at that age (I think I was 16) I took great delight in busting people’s chops who were being obnoxious. I kicked lots of kids out. My feeling was, if it’s annoying ME, I should do something about it, since that was my job, more or less. That and sweeping.
Now if it was a comedy, and you had some lively chatter, in my opinion it made the movie better. If I didn’t see heads swiveling around and glaring, I left the offenders alone.
Granted, this was 15 years ago. Something tells me kids wouldn’t give a good-ding-dong if some skinney guy in a purple suit told them to refrain from talking and put their feet down. But I think my attitude is what enables behavior like this to go on, and that’s too bad. I don’t expect kids to be little adults, but adults should know better.
Slight hijack. This reminds me of an episode on an airplane, where an unsupervised brother and sister were sitting next to each other. The brother was punching the girl, who started crying. Lots of people, like me, would glance over, but didn’t say anything. Then an “adult” (actually no older than me) stood up, walked over to them, and told the boy something like “Your sister is afraid to fly. Hitting her isn’t going to change anything. Stop it.” Then he called the stewardess and switched the sister to his seat up front, and sat by the boy for the rest of the flight. It’s a shame that I admire behavior like this yet didn’t do something at the time.
I went to see Planet of the Apes with my film club a few weeks ago. $10 ticket, Wednesday night screening. Behind me was the Scaredy-Cat Questioning Kid With the High Pitched Voice and His Dad, Irving the Explainer.
The kid needed to question every single thing that happened on the screen.
“Daddy, are those monkeys?”
“Daddy, are they on a space ship?”
“Daddy, where did the monkey go?”
“Daddy, is he crashing?”
“Daddy, who are those people?”
“Daddy, I’m scared! What are those things?”
“Daddy, how did the monkeys get so big?”
“Why are they wearing helmets?”
And the fucking father would patiently explain each thing to the kid in full-voice. I was livid. A few dirty looks did nothing. Finally, after 1/2 hour, I turned and said (also full voice) “Can you please be quiet?” They shushed for all of 15 minutes, and then it was back to full-questioning mode. The theater was packed, there was no place else to go, so I turned and said “This movie will be out on video shortly. If your child needs it explained to him frame by frame, perhaps you can accomplish that better at home.”
GAH!!!
Jonathan, I think your assessment of where this trend started is dead on. But I also think Americans are becoming more self-centered in general.
, like a Hitler Pinata.