Motherfucking Bastards at the Movies!(long)

The BBQ Pit
1

Saturday I decide to catch the 4:00 movie of AOTC.
I experienced all my pet peeves in one visit!

Here is the set up.
I arrive at 3:30 and get in line. A short line with 8 people to purchace tickets ahead of me.

Rant against Customers 1-5 and 7.

You Baboon humping dipshits! When you are in line to buy something Get your motherfucking money out! Do, not say “dude, like I need 2 tickets.” Then wait to hear the total before digging for your wallet or purse! Things go a lot smoother if you prepare for things ahead of time. Dickweeds. I would not be near as pissed if you all had not been bitching in line about slow movie lines and that they should open another teller window. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! If you were to get your head out of your ASS you would realise your actions an those people like you in fron tare the CAUSE of the slow line. Jumping Jeebus on a pogo-stick you have to remove your head out of your ass to see the movie, Cant you do this before you get in the ticket line?

Rant on Customer number 8
You imbred waste of sperm! Do not Talk to your cousins/girlfriends/sisters/lovers about wrestling while gabbering on the cell phone in line IF YOU HAVE YET TO DECIDE WHAT MOVIE TO SEE! For fucks sake, waiting to get to the window before deciding what movies to see is so Damn Annoying. you are so fucking lucky you had your money out to pay for the 4 tickets after you made your desision because I would have drowned you in imitation butter from the consession stand. Mindless fucks.

Number 6 You quietly talked to your girlfriend in line, had your cash out (exact change no less) and knew exactly what you wanted to see. Kudos to you sir. You might be my kind of person, depending if you would help hide some bodies.

I finally get in the theater and find a seat 4 seats from the aisle. I have one man two seats to my left and the last 3 on my right towards the aisle are empty until two young (guessing 14) girls sit on the end. Yeah empty seats on either side of me.

to Loser Jabba wannabee
Now the “living in Mommys basement” loser to my right I find repelling and yet interesting. The fucker is popping down popcorn like Jabba the Hutt. Not often do I find peoples eating habits offensive, yet even in the semi-dark I am repelled. I tried to ignore him, and did alright until he opens his pie-hole. Momma do they give free refills? WTF? a 60 oz soda is not enough? Oh and I love it when he the fountian of Knowledge biterly compians that the theater is making all this money from the movie and cant give free refills at such outragous prices!
I just had to butt in and explain how the theater has to give a LARGE percentage of the ticket sales to (in this case) Lucas and they are able to pay the bills by charging a higher ammount at the consession stand. Yes, they have a captive consumer base, but, if you do not like the prices YOU are not required to buy the food.
Poor little Baby had his feeling hurt. Lucky for him Daddy ran off to go get him another HUGE Popcorn (the biggest size avalible) and a soda. Which he devoured in no time flat. More about 28 year-old loser later.

(told you this was long, sorry I forgot to mention poorly written)
rant towards asshole couple
A couple come in and see the seats open on either side of me, “can you move over a seat?” they ask. Sure, I have no problem with that, I get up and move one seat over towards the young ladies. Hubby starts bitching wanting me to move over towards Jabba-loser. FUCK HIM! I am not sitting next to Mt Belchor and have to deal with him hogging the armrest all movie!
Do not like it? fucking show up early next time ok? [note I did not cuss then as I do now, there were kids in the rows behind and in front of me]

rant towards loser tardy party
You decide to get your 8 closest friends and go see star wars? great is better to be with friends at the movie. But for Fucks SAKE! show up in the theatre before 2 minutes to screen time!
cOULD YOU NOT DO THE MATH? This is the second weekend for a VERY popular movie, with limited seating, showing up late with a large group means you gasp Might not all get to sit together!
Whining about it does not solve the problem, it just makes me want to throw cheese at your poor pitiful self.

Finally the theatre goes dark:

Needless to say Jabba Boy talked thru the whole movie And previews my favorite quote (after the Martix2 teasrer) I have waited my whole life for this movie to come out."

I could go on, about the two different cell phone that went off, and other minor crap. but waht is the point?

If you made it this far I am impressed, I just needed to bitch a bit.

2

Yes, but bloody entertaining! (poorly written sometimes makes it funnier)

This is the kind of thing I look for in the SDMB (well, the pit, to be more specific). I haven’t even finished reading it, and felt like posting a reply.

I personally don’t go to the cinema on account of it being the most annoying place in the world. People in their 40s (so should know better) rabbiting throughout the movie, people who go there with NO FUCKING INTENTION of watching the movie, but rather to ‘make out’. people who cheer when the movie starts. girls who go there to giggle constantly. bastard shitheads who turn up late! ( I don’t mind lateness except at the flicks, where lateness really does effect the people already there). I don’t want to make this a repeat of yours so I’ll shut up and continue reading where I left off.

3

Let us not forget the children sitting behind me who kicked my seat thru the whole of AotC. I knew there might be kids there as it was a saturday matenee, but fer Crissakes wouldja please quit KICKING MY MOTHERFUCKING SEAT!

Then I turned around and beheadded them all with my lightsaber.(in my mind).

4

Heh. Believe me…it could have been worse. At least the move worked.

One thing I’ve found that helps in regards to seeing movies is to go to an early showing. I saw Star Wars at the 11:30 AM showing on a Saturday, and, while the theatre was a mite crowded, it wasn’t packed or excessively noisy. Early matinees seem to be better. If you can do it on a weekday (that isn’t a release day), it’s even better, but I know that’s not feasible for most people.

Also…don’t sit by kids unless they’re yours. Ever. I mean, I like kids as much as the next slightly cranky chick, but expecting anyone under the age of seven or so to sit still for a movie just isn’t going to happen. I also avoid people with uber-large containers of popcorn–like the guy you mentioned–but that’s just because I’m afraid of knocking it over and don’t really like hearing people chew.

5

Or really late. I saw the 10:45 showing, and it was as desolate as Tatooine. Ah, what a great theatre-going experience… Of course, it helps if you’re a night person, anyway.

And I never buy concessions. Ever. And I usually openly ridicule my friends that do.

6

I agree completely, and said so in the last movie brat thread we had.

I usually buy a slushy/slurpee thing, just because that’s the only place that ever has them. I usually smuggle in some gummi somethings too.

I went to the movies today. My mom and younger sister wanted to go see the horse movie, and invited me to come since she’d pay and I have no money… anyway, it was the matinee of a kid’s movie, which meant I couldn’t go 'cause that’s one of my rant reducing rules. So I ended up going to “The New Guy”, which is the yearly fairly stupid remake of “Angus” (or whatever movie Angus is the remake of, it’s just the oldest one of it’s type I remember). It was stupid, but funny at times and had some good cameos and some decent slapstick from an actor I’d only seen once before.

7

.

Surreal. I am (by turns) fascinated, repelled yet somehow impressed at the thought that Osip’s revenge would involve cheese. I’ll be pondering that all day, I suspect.

8

I feel your pain, same thing happened to me. I thought it was some dude at first kicking my chair to piss me off, I was this close to saying something… but I relized it was just a stupid kid, so I let it go… I couldnt help but think tho, I wish I had a lightsaber right about now… lucky bastard.

9

Excellent rant!

Mind you, a cell phone going off is not minor crap. Movie going felony that is. Last time I was at the movies a person actually answered and started talking with guy on the other line. He was soooo lucky he was eight rows from me at the time.

Those kinds of people will be dragged out into the street and shot when the righteous revolution comes.

10

The only solution to this problem that I can see at this time would be to rob several 7-11s to acquire funding. Said funding would then be used to create a chain of Straight Dope exclusive theatres, in which anyone wishing to gain access must pass a test measuring I.Q., probability to spout stupid Urban Legends, and Obliviousness to self/enviroment.

In this theoretical movie theatre, there are no concession stands, and there is an army of highly trained ex-marines serving as ushers to escort any patrons who cheated their way through the test.

Installed in front of each theatre is a metal detector. If these ushers discover an activated cell-phone, they will throw it in a bomb-detonation chamber. Then they will throw the person with the cellphone into the bomb-detonation chamber.

There will be a day care with sound-proof walls with highly-trained babysitters working for around $5 an hour so parents do not bring their crying infants within the theatre. Anyone who insists “But my baby can control him/herself” will have their child forcibly taken and given up for adoption.

The back of every chair will be equipped with a keypad for alerting the marines, I mean, ushers. The keypad will have such buttons as “Someone kicking the back of my seat,” “Over talkative person,” “Hyper-zealously defensive parent with annoying child,” “Overly-amplified food digestion,” and the dreaded “crinkling wrappers.” The offending party will be forcibly removed from the theatre, but first gagged so the movie isn’t further disrupted. Anyone using the keypad for good instead of evil will be taken out back by the dumpster and shot in the head.

It would probably go bankrupt in about a week given that it’d be serving an average 3 people per day at that rate.

11

OK, my turn to rant… I went to the theater on the opening day to see the new Star Wars movie, OK now get this… I waited in the fucking line for 4 fucking hours the booth was supposed to be opened by the pimply faced scum sucking pig dogs at 11:00 A.M. well needless to say eleven came and went and there they stand picking their noses and wiping their boogers under the popcorn counter and laughing like a bunch of half starved raving hyenas. Well, it gets to be about 11:20 and they walk into the booth and don’t open it yet the first movie starts at 11:50. AOTC starts at 12:30 … well so anyway the line is really Freaking long now all the way around the mall and out the door we are all getting pissed and this bitch walks up to the door and says “OK IM here” well she walks into the booth and buys::::::::::::::::: Now get this::::::: SHE BUYS 150.00$ IN TICKETS FOR A BUNCH OF DOCTORS AND AT A FUCKING DISCOUNT FOR THE SHOW WE ARE STANDING IN LINE FOR ::::::::::::; well so then they finally open the theater OK I’M fine whatever so the last of the poor bastards in line won’t get their tickets they should have gotten there earlier, So I make it in, get my popcorn and am going up the ramp well they stop us The whole God damn line and say, " you will have to wait till 15 min till the movie before we can let you in we are sitting the doctors first before we can let you in" … Well my head just blew off I was so pissed and all I could do was Bang my fucking head in the wall and eat my popcorn like it was going out of style, I tell them that you don’t mess with Star Wars fans and that I might not have a Light saber in my Car but I was sure I could find a Tire Iron or some other blunt instrument to force our ways in… Well there was about 50 of us in line so they gave in on fear of a riot… BUT OH IT GETS BETTER we go in we get sit down and then this no Good Motherless cow molesters have the total nerve to ask Us to please move Out of the middle of the FUCKING Theater so that they can all sit together WANTING US to move to the front or the back, I TOLD them they could have my fucking seat when they Pried my cold dead body out of it and they could all just go get bent… well anyway it calmed down the movie was great OK I feel better sorry for venting this just seemed like the place…

12

-Yeah, but just think of the pile of bodies out by the dumpster. In that week, your theater will have immeasurably improved the moviegoing experience for the rest of us.

13

Sometimes I get so excieted at the start of a movie that I cheer. Sue me!

Zette

14

Next time some annoying kid has her feet on your seat, slash her with a razor blade and run away.

15

Osip, that was hilarious!

I think the people cheer because the 20 minutes of fucking previews and ads (yes, ads) is finally over. They should show the goddam previews at the END, and if people are dying to watch them, they can stay. My idea of hell would be an eternity of watching poorly edited previews of inane Adam Sandler movies.

Remember the good ol’ days, when they had someone called an “usher” who was supposed to keep the assholes in check? Nowadays, if you want to complain, you have to hunt down the pimple-faced maggot “shift manager”, who is absolutely no help at all.

16

Sorry, Nosferatu - I hadn’t seen that you already used “pimply faced”. Didn’t mean to plagiarize.

17

(psst…Xerxes? He said he wanted to throw cheese to go with their whine. Get it?)

18

Which reminds me of when I saw Ralph Bakshi’s LOTR many years ago. I had a kid in front of me who was constantly yapping with his friends, eating popcorn, eating candy wrapped in some really noisy paper, jumping around in his seat etc (I think you get the picture). When I couldn’t take it any longer I placed my foot very firmly in his behind (it was a soft backrest).

He got the message.

19

My favorites are the parents who show up with their under seven year old children to all the fucking horror movies I show up to. A family of three kids was sitting two rows directly in front of me for Blade 2, a guy with his two year old son…two seats to my left for Ghosts of Mars…couple with thier three year old one row in front for Event Horizon (okay, it’s been quite a bit since I’ve been to the theaters, but still).

What I want to know it, WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY THINKING!!! Taking your kids to the movies is a good thing…provided it’s a movie for kids. DON’T take them to see a movie where people get gutted and decapitated or fuck like rabbits every twenty minutes of a four hour long movie. AND QUIT SITTING NEXT TO ME!!!

20

I REALLY hate it when there’s only 2 or 3 other people in the theater and someone decides to sit RIGHT BEHIND ME!!!