Fuck You ...you noisy "horse chewing" monkey dick!

The BBQ Pit
1

First of all…

There are 200 hundred seats in the theater. There are about twenty damn people in the place, all spaced out to not crowd one another. I’ll take into account that you may be lonely, and want to sit close enough to a family as to smell what detergeant they washed their clothes in. That’s fine, sit your pathetic ass down next to me and we’ll discuss the movie plot for Christ’s Sake! Hell, I’ll share my fucking drink!

However, when my five-year-old has better fucking manners than you, especially when when courtousy and quiteness are of utmost importance, you need to walk off a cliff.

If you were a teenager full of angst, hormones, etc. , I might understand. I was once that way also. But you sir, are in your mid-40’s and still a goddamn annoying asshole. That is the reason you have come to this movie alone. The same as every movie you have been to, or ever will go to again.

How do you make such a gluttonous noise when you eat? I can’t even fake a noise so annoying…
Anyway… ROTK is great…go see it!

2

[crunch]

[munch, munch, munch]

FRODO LIVES!

3

Ahhh… cinema etiquette.

Not something which is easily taught, sadly. My wife and I make a point of sitting as far away from other people as possible. If we need to, we move.

On one occasion I told some asshole I had come to a movie to watch a film not to get coughed all over with his flu germs. My delivery must have been pretty good. He never even sniffed again for the rest of the film.

Better to move if possible than to cause any fights I reckon. Unless it’s really crowded.

4

I think suggesting that you would share your drink is damn charitable but not really necessary.

(Guy sits down next to me in a near empty theatre and somebody’s going to move)

5

The same thing happens in libraries. Place is nearly empty and a person sits right next to you.

Some people have issues.

6

(Warning: Long)

I read a hysterically funny article in (possibly) Premiere Magazine about 8 years ago. The reporter was sent by his editor to be annoying. He yelled out the surprise ending to the Crying Game (I guess that means the article was 11 years ago in 1992), he heckled, and ate the LOUDEST food he could find in the crinckliest packaging ever created.

He wrote he was amazed that he was only once ever told the shut the fuck up, and that was when he made a comment about an audience member’s girlfriend. Not even ushers told him to hush up and he claimed to be a rather small-to-average sized guy who wasn’t particularly intimidating.

I, on the other hand, am a bit more aggressive in that respect. I will destroy lip-smacking gobheads. I will punish them. I will crush them like insects!

I saw L.A. Confidential in an almost empty theatre. The guy in front of us had an entire duffel bag of snacks with him (granted, concession prices are outrageous). Very loud cellophane and he chewed with his mouth open and lots of lip-smacking. It virtually echoed of the walls and other patrons, nowhere near the guy, were making huffy noises in his general direction and a ssorted hints that he’d be beaten upon leaving the theare. He was completely oblivious (as all lip-smacking, loud crunchers tend to be) of the hard cold stares of other patrons that were trying to make his head explode with the sheer power of their combined will. (Their fury was palpable and hung in the air like a cloud of steamed molasses).

I was patient for the first package of whatever-it-was and- with my jaw clenched and my teeth grinding - kept chanting a mantra of “he’s almost done… he’s almost done… he’s almost done…”

Then he loudly crumpled up the empty bag, ZZZZZZZIIIIIP, opened up his duffel bag, and pulled out another big package of something-or-other. ZZZZZZIIIIIIP (bag closed.) Tore open the bag with a pop as a black cloud of seething hatred formed over my head.

CCRRRRRRUNCH! CRUNCH, CRUNCH, MUNCH, MUNCH, SMACK, SMACK, LICK, MUNCH, MUNCH.

I finally could bear it no longer, ripped the bag out of his hands in a tight fist. Startled him so he almost leapt out of his seat. He turned around to face his possible attacker, and saw little me. Wee female, all of 5’4", 120 lbs, but looking like a cornered badger about to tear of his arms.

“Eat quietly.” I said it gently yet firmly, though I know in my heart that my eyes were glowing red and undoubtedly my teeth were bared to put even the vampire Lestat to shame.

From the back of the theatre there was a sigh accompanied with a mumbled, but very heartfelt “Finally!” And all eyes, beedy black in the dim theatre, were trained on Butthead, waiting to see if he’d sit down and let us watch the film in piece, or if the small, enraged ferret (yours truly) would have to leap up and shove his Chex Party Mix into every accessible orifice .

He muttered “sorry” and sat backdown, sinking into his seat like a leaking water balloon. He nibbled as quietly as a mouse, taking tiny bites throughout the rest of the movie, and drooped so low in his seat that he should be thankful that there were no subtitles because, surely the botton 25% of the screen was cut off from his view.

In college I wanted to do a film short called “Film Student’s Revenge Fantasy.” It involved a rolled up newspaper and lots of whacking of annoying film patrons, gum-crackers, and stupid projectionsist who can’t focuss.

Beware the wrath of Crayons the cinephile…

7

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I would pay more to see movies where food is banned. Actually at Govindas in Sydney it is and a buffet plus a movie is only about $18 and you lay down to watch.

But why do people need to eat in a movie it’s only a few hours. Do people eat at plays, the ballet. If they watch a courtroom drama you hear them grazing through their cellophane wrapped goodies - it’s like a windy night in a forest. But does the public gallery at a real trial feel the need for nachos.

If your watching John Coffey (like the drink only spelled different) get the chair while someone scrapes the last out of their trough of popcorn, you’ll notice no one at the execution has one. Wow what restraint they had in them days - all that time and no vittles.

From behind you hear “God, look at that his guts are hanging out. No dear I’ll have the peanut M&Ms first.”

One of my proudest moments was recently driving a couple out of a cinema. It wasn’t over food they were just talking…endlessly. I got up and said (approximately) “Excuse me I didn’t pay money to listen to you two talking. If you can’t be quite move away from me please.” They just got up and left. Well the noisy “horse chewing” monkey dicks are next on my list!

8

Dang, I thought this was gonna be about someone who eats horses.

9

Some years back, I was at a showing of Cujo and had the misfortune to have a loudmouth twit and his gf seated behind me. He talked and heckled and carried on like an absolute asshole through the first third of the movie. I turned around and told him to “shut the fuck up.”
His reply was “I can fucking talk in here if I want to and you can’t do anytghing about it.”
So I punched him in the mouth.
His gf screamed and grabbed him by the arm and they ran up the aisle.
Nothing happened to me, so I presume she probably cried and gave him the “let’s just go” treatment.
Sad thing to get punched in the mouth in front of your gf over a movie as lousy as Cujo was.

10

You hit him??? That is so wrong!! Bows down reverently before the great master. There is NO excuse for violence, ever! Kow tows. Offers firstborn.

It’s a pity that most movie ushers these days are skinny, little kids who most definitely do NOT have the confidence or physical presence to actually ask someone to be quiet or leave. I’m tiny, and I can get a braying ass to shut his yap, but a lot of these young ushers can’t deal with confrontation.

Last Googleplex I went to, I didn’t see an employee over the age of 17 and it didn’t seem that any could manage to do anything they weren’t specifically instructed to do. And sadly, they simply did not command any respect. If one of them told me to be quiet, I’d laugh too.

11

You mean like this guy?

12

Dude, that’s like huge.

13

As an usher, one has to be a little selective about whom one tells to be quiet. At the theatre where I used work, “customer” and “violent thug” were synonyms. There was one night when a woman had to be lifted out of her seat by three cops and thrown into a squad car to get her to shut up. And her husband decked the manager over it.

I do not miss that job. But at least I earned minimum wage.

14

Back during the same time period (I was a college undergrad at the time) a friend and I went to see Creepshow. Those of you who have seen it know that each segment has a “surprise” ending in the style of the 19950’s horror comics. My friend and I took seats about in the middle of the theater. In the first row was some drunk/stoned asshole and a bunch of his equally intoxicated friends. Once again, loud talking, laughing, generalized assholery (but worst of all) he was bellowing out the surprise endings (accompanied by an obnoxious horselaugh). Friend and I had each purchased one of those enormous “bladderbuster special” softdrinks before getting seated. When the buffoon ruined the second segment in a row of the movie, we wordlessly stood up and threw our drinks at him. Hard. He got drilled twice with heavy cups of pop and ice and his friends got showered with the impact spray. we then bellowed in unison “Shut the fuck up!” accompanied by a chorus of "yeah!"s from around the theather.
The idiot in question actually burst into tears and had to be comforted by his friends. He seems to have actually thought he was enhancing everyone’s viewing experience. They left before the credits rolled.

15

JeffB: exactly the article I thought the rant was about. I’ve always wanted to start a rant based on an Onion news article and I thought for a moment someone else had. :slight_smile:

16

Pig-eaters (not people who eat pigs, but who eat like pigs), gum chewers and smokers are on my short list of the “to be executed” when I finally take control of the known universe.

You’ve all been warned!

17

I dunno. If I had the choice between watching most of the movies out now, and watching a horse chewing a monkey dick, I know which one I’d choose.

18

Two tickets to “Horse-Chewing Monkey Dicks” at 7:30, please.

And here’s my MovieWatcher card.

19

That was Denethor, not the guy in the seats.

20

Oh boy… this is a topic that gives me chills.
I had a guy step on my hair in a movie theater once. My hair was over the back of my chair and the dickwad put his feet up, When I moved, my hair was trapped under his foot. JERK! But that’s nothing compared to this next tale!

My ex-husband (on one of his better days) threw his full cup of soda at some high schoolers who were stoned and giggling like fools at Yoda’s voice (when the originals were re-released into the theaters). They got looks and comments from other people besides us but the fifth time my ex turned to say something, he just got… pissed and threw soda. It was…

…

big sigh horrible and embarrassing, and just plain HORRIBLE!

He left the theater, got rushed out by a manager, as his brother and I just sat there, stunned, shocked… horrified! We could feel the eyes on us the rest of the film. I stayed because I didn’t do anything wrong, same as his brother. The soda had hit the two stoned kids… and then went on to hit about thirty other people behind us and to the left and right of those people. It was horrible, did I mention? It’s hard to describe the exact feeling of that moment, seeing the glittery splash of soda go flying back over a couple of rows of seats, seeing the angry faces glaring at my ex and ME!

My ex kept paging me after he ran out but I ignored it, his brother ignored it, too. When the movie ended, we ran out quickly. The rows that had been blasted with soda, all those people were glaring at us. It was my goddamn ex, not me!!

A time before the Great Soda Explosion of 1996, my ex yelled at some couple coming in late during a preview of the re-released Star Wars trailer. There was someone saving seats for another person and this couple was trying to get that person to move over for them (theater was FULL). Because they were talking, arguing during even a wee lil’ snippet of Star Wars (did I mention my ex was a Star Wars freak?), my ex started screaming at them, full on swearing, LOUD! Talk about horrible.

He had bad movie etiquette, needless to say.