If clues were WMDs, I'd be Iraq

The BBQ Pit
1

I didn’t date much in highschool. Okay, that’s on overstatement. I didn’t date at all in highschool. Not once. This has always sort of bothered me, and I’ve chalked it up to a lot of reasons: I was overweight, I was a geek, whatever. The truth of the matter is, I didn’t date much because I am the single stupidest person on Earth.

Here’s why: I lived about half a mile from school. Since I never got around to getting my drivers liscence, I walked to and from everyday. Late in my senior year, this girl from my class that I only knew vaguely started offering me rides. She was very friendly. Kinda pretty, as I recall. The ride was less than five minutes, so we didn’t get to talk a whole lot, but she seemed like a cool person. This went on for about a week and half, maybe two weeks. Then it stopped. I’d see her around school and all, but we never talked afterwards. I was a little disappointed that I had to walk home again, but it wasn’t a really big deal. This was about nine years ago.

About an hour ago, I sat bolt-upright in bed, smacked myself in the forehead, and shouted, “Why the hell didn’t I ask her out?!” I mean, holy fuck, she was practically throwing herself at me. She couldn’t have been more obviously interested if she’d taken her top off. How the hell did I not pick up on that? How in the name of all that’s holy could I just get out of that car with nothing more than a “Thanks for the ride” without that soggy wad of cheescloth that passes for my brain even once dredging up the thought, “Hey, loser! Ask her what she’s doing this weekend!” Where the hell was my reproductive urge? How could I be so self-absorbed? The first human to show the slightest inkling of romantic interest in me, and I can’t even remember her name!

God, how many other times has this happened? I mean, what sort of… Aw, fuck, Alix! Alix who sat next to me every day when I was taking that weird theater appreciation class in college. Alix who hung out with me during the class break. Alix who was completely fucking hot! Oh my God, she was hot! And did I ask her out? Ask for her phone number? No, I just cut class at every opportunity once I realized the teacher didn’t bother to take roll. Nice job, Casanova! Probably the single most beautiful woman who will ever speak to me of her own free will, and I decide I’d rather be home playing fucking computer games! AARRGH! I’m so disgusted with myself I’m literally sick to my stomach. I’m a goddamned walking coma patient! This is more concentrated stupidity than can be found anywhere on Earth outside of Congress. There are single-celled amoeba who are better than me at relating to the opposite sex.

That’s it. Where the hell is the meat cleaver? I don’t deserve to have a penis. Say goodbye, Spanky.

2

Put the cleaver down, Mr. Miller…that’s it…we’re cool…Spanky doesn’t deserve to die…

Seriously, I can so relate. I can think of one woman who did all but rent a billboard saying “Hi, I’m attractive, available, and quite possibly interested” when I was in university, but did I notice? Nope. And my wife practically had to hit me over the head with a club and drag me back to her cave by my hair. But take heart: there do exist women stubborn and patient enough to beat the facts into our tiny little skulls. They’re rare, but they exist and are my best evidence that the universe is not a cold heartless void.

3

You’re not alone, brother. My life is full of these moments of epiphany. Now I’m married, but occasionally I still wake up at night quite a lot and go “you fucking idiot!!!”

Best example of my utter cluelesness and lack of confidence: the hottest girl I’ve ever known invited me to stay the night, took me to her room, which she’d filled with candles, and said to me “I wish I had a double bed”. I still didn’t think I was in with a chance. :smack: I slept on the floor. :smack: :smack: :smack:

4

By the way, my wife actually had to say “I really fancy you” before I realised that she did.

With a couple of exceptions, every woman I’ve ever gone out with has had to chase me down. Some of us just don’t have the “thing” that allows other men to recognise a come-on when they see it.

5

I really like your thread title. :smiley:

6

This was one of the funniest punchlines I’ve read here in a long time. Thank you, Miller. :slight_smile:

And by the way, I can so relate.

Take heart, big guy. What Alix and that girl from high school saw in you is likely still there today, luring the chicks like moths to the flame of your hotness. Go get 'em, Tiger! :smiley:

7

I had the same realization once as well and went over the number of women who were most likely throwing themselves at me. It rapidly entered the double digits before I stopped counting. What pisses me off, is that I can easily tell when an unattractive woman is throwing herself at me, but when a gorgeous woman is trying to get my attention, I’ve no idea. What’s worse, is that as I get older, the number of women who throw themselves at me (both attractive and unattractive) is getting smaller.:frowning:

8

Okay, that one I think even I would have gotten.

9

Best. Thread. Title. Ever.

10

In jjimm’s defense, I probably would have slept on the floor too. Or possibly in the same bed but scrunched up on the opposite side. Confidence is my archenemy.

11

What does it mean when you often think they’re interested but they never are?

My life is the opposite of your examples. I ask women out who, it turns out, think I’m a weirdo, and no women have ever thrown themselves at me. They all say “one day you’ll find that special someone” which includes the unspoken “it ain’t ever gonna be me, though, you odd little man”.

12

Whatd your hormones just first kick in like around 9:00 this morning? Actually, I passed up wayyyy too many chicks in highschool myself. Didnt have the self-confidence to engage the opposite sex in anything other than looking at their tests for answers.

That all changed about two years later. I finally got the hint when a waitress I worked with invited me over to her house on a regular basis and would get me drunk. She would even change out of her wait clothes and into her PJs right in front of me. Damn! Its been uphill ever since.

13

Me too. I did get a chance to act on that once.
Took this girl to a concert for a first date. Got back to her place and she pulled out the couch for me to crash on. She came out of her bedroom a few seconds later because her sister had fallen
asleep in her bed, so she said. Asked if I could spare some room on the couch. Ah, Yeah!

14

Miller, I love you man. I’ve been there and done that. (Well, not nine years later, but…).

This one time a cute girl came into my store looking for someplace to have some copies made and since it was 11:30pm on a Sunday I offered to let her use the copier we have in the store. As I’m making copies for her we get to chatting and find out that she goes to UMCP and I go to UMBC (sister schools), she’s majoring in Psychology and I’m majoring in Sociology and used to major in Pysch, we talk about the foreign languages we’ve taken and I mention Greek and, lo and behold, I’m photocoping stuff for her Greek Lit class. After we’re done and she’s leaving she says “Well, I’m gonna go home now.”
“Okay, take it easy.”
“Yeah, nothing to do but work on my paper.”
Me, edging away to get to work “Good luck on it.”
“Yeah, I’m probably gonna be up late.”
“I hope it’s not too late, you’ve got school in the morning!” (grin)

When I get back to my department a guy from the office who was originally helping her (I came in in the middle of their conversation) asks me if I got her number.

I still have the red mark on my forehead.

Story two
There was an attractive young lady who worked in my store and was in the management training program. She was a bit bossy and annoying at work (“Why is that empty? Shouldn’t you be loading that?!” “Um, no, because we’re sold out?” sort of stuff) and would yell into the store’s loudspeaker. I’d run into her outside of work and hung out with her (in a group) and she was pretty cool then, so I figured she was just one of those people who figured that the best way to manage people is to be bossy but otherwise was okay. On her last day at my store before being transferred (part of the training is hitting a variety of stores) she came through my department and asked one of her inane questions, although I can’t remember what it was now (to be honest I think that most management questions are inane, but she was really good at it). Later on in the day she came outside while I was on my break and came up to this L-shaped wall around an emergency exit that I was sitting on smoking a cigarette, rested her head on it, looked up at me and said “Today’s my last day here.”
“Yeah, so I heard.”
“So. Are you going to miss me?”
Feeling slightly peevish after her earlier inane question “Well, I can give you piece of advice, lower your voice when you talk into the intercom.”
She shot me a look that would melt diamonds and walked off.

Later on I was telling this story to a friend of mine. When I was done he looked at me funny. Then he slapped me upside my head.

15

So it’s okay for a woman to occasionally miss the boat, too?

God, I hope so!

16

Here I go:

While working on a store there was this girl that I really REALLY liked, one day she comes and tells me that she heard that one of the store girls has a crush on me, “really, who could it be”, I started naming all the girls and the answer was always “no, not she”. Some time later I realized the dagger eyes she gave me after listing all the girls EXCEPT her. :smack: number 1

:smack: number two is as gross as it gets

Scene: highschool projections room, girl: Sabrina, the most beautiful intelligent and lovable girl you can imagine, script:

Sabrina: Would you like to be my boyfriend?

Ale: Uh?

I still think of her every week or two and how on Earth can I be so stupid and clueless… :frowning:

17

High School Dance:

Girl: TeaRoses, Mike wants to dance with you.
TeaRoses the Wallflower: Yeah, right, you’re putting me on.
Girl: What are you afraid of, he’ll have an erection or something?
TeaRoses (honestly not believing Mike said one word about this, unless it was a bad joke): Not funny. Go away.

Graduation:

Mike gives TeaRoses a big hug and kiss.
TeaRoses the freaking idiot: He probably did want to dance to with me.
TeaRoses says “DUH!!!” at regular intervals throughout her life and wishes Mike the best.

18

The girl sitting behind me in US History in the 11th grade was nice, and pretty, and talked to me. One day, she came in with her homework all typed up. I asked her if she did anything besides study. She said “I go out, if I’m asked.”

I replied “Nngh.”

My brain, being 15 at the time, was sorta slow. But within a month, I finally asked her out.

We’ve been married for quite a while now.

All due to my brain finally starting to work.

19

It took you nine years to figure this out? You must be a blast to play Trivial Pursuit with.

Not that I should talk. I had a different, and arguably worse, problem in high school. I did go on dates, but probably only seized about a quarter of the opportunities presented to me. I hung out with the ‘A’ crowd; and ignorant conformist that I was at the time, constantly worried about what their reaction would be to anyone I dated, however casually.

I remember, with no small amount of regret, one summer day while lounging near the tennis courts waiting for one to become free. One of the most beautiful girls I had ever seen (no exaggeration) was sitting next to me, just watching the matches. I knew her somewhat. She lived not far from me, but she was a year or two younger and had an older sister closer to my age. She had always gone out of her way to be friendly to me, and I already had an inkling that she was interested. My concern of course, though it makes zero sense in hindsight, was what my friends’ reaction would be to dating someone’s younger sister.

Suddenly, she hiked up her sun dress, swung a pair of long, tan legs around, and dropped her bare feet on my lap. She wanted to know if I’d like to give her tennis lessons. “Sure,” says dimwitted Waverly somewhat dismissively. “We can do that sometime.” I didn’t ask her when, didn’t get her number, didn’t in any way acknowledge the signal she had worked up the courage to send me. What a stupid bastard. I didn’t say a single word further. Eventually, she got up and walked off without giving me the bright smile and cheery goodbye I had been taking for granted.

20

Ah yes, the stupiphany. I’ve had a few of those. When I had a broken wrist (which is just as much of a girl magnet as rumoured), I missed a blatant ‘moment’ with my then crush. In my defense, I was also pretty drunk.