In one of the messages in Chum’s recent “Never Been Kissed” thread, she says something about how she tries to pick up guys, but they always miss the most obvious hints. I thought I’d find out if anyone else has any stories about obvious hints they’ve missed. I’ve got a reputation among my friends for being one of the worst offenders, and thought I’d share my favorite such anecdote.
I’d known this girl for a little over a year. We had some mutual friends so we hung out, but weren’t especially close. This past January, I ran into her at a party after I hadn’t seen her in a couple months. I ended up hanging out with her most of the party, and she was sitting on my lap by the end of the night. Over the next couple weeks, I started to see her more often–just about every night, she would show up wherever I was, she would always dance with me, or hold my hand–it got to the point where I’d sit down and she’d immediately sit on my lap–pretty clearly coming on to me, but I am completely unable to recognize this sort of thing, so I’m not noticing. After about two weeks of this, we’re both at a friend’s house. It’s getting pretty late, 3 AM or so, and we’re leaving. She says to me, “Hey, I don’t want to walk home this late, and your house is closer, can I just sleep there?” I say “Sure,” and we go to my house. Now, you’d think at this point I couldn’t mistake her intentions–this is pretty obvious, especially given her behavior over the past couple weeks. But when we get to my house, I say, “Alright, well, I hope you won’t think I’m a terrible host if I just go to bed. Wake me up in the morning if you need directions to the bus stop. This couch folds out, here’s a blanket. Goodnight.” At which point she completely dispensed with subtlety and kissed me. I thought, “Oh. I get it. I’m an idiot.”
Anyway, we’ve been dating since then, we’re in love, and to this day she still teases me about my utter obliviousness to her early advances.
-KillerFig
Often I think we as a sex (males) are really stupid in regard to picking up on these things. One would think evolving from hunter/gatherers we would figure out signs put out by the female, but time and again we don’t.
“My totally missed it” story was that I had just flown into the airport in San Franciso about 8 p.m. I was supposed to have flown into San Jose, but flights were fouled up so I ended up in SF instead (my luggage ended up in San Diago). I didn’t have to be in San Jose until the following afternoon, but still I wanted to get there to be clearly ready and on time.
I said what the heck and decided to try and hitchhike. I was picked up almost immediately by a very attractive stewardess for one of the airlines. She asked where I was going and she said she could take me a good portion of the way. I thanked her and we got to talking and hit it off very well. As we got closer to my her turn off, she said things like, "Wouldn’t you like to come over and have a cup of coffee? I said I didn’t drink coffee, but I thanked her none the less. Then she said, “It doesn’t have to be coffee…” Then, “I’m sure we can find something you’ll like…” “I’m sure you’d like to relax…”
It did not dawn on me what had happened until I was standing by the side of the road hitch hiking again. Then I could be seen banging my head against a nearby street sign and shouting toward the sky, “What have I done? What have I done?”.
TV
::heaves gloomy sigh::
I’ve elevated oblivion to an art form. My romantic radar isn’t glitchy; the sucker was never installed in the first place. I’ve bumbled straight past years of hints, clues and clear signals.
In grad school there was a huge teddy bear of a guy I had a dismal, self-dismissive crush on. Never even considered it because he was a genuine sweetie and widely liked, besides being a hunk. Five years later mutual friends gently pointed out he’d tried the whole time to pick me up–and I missed it all.
I was so busy navel-gazing or something–why would he be interested in ME?–that this decent, great guy undoubtedly gave up in frustration and bewilderment.
There’s probably something Darwinian about this but I’m too depressed to dwell on it.
Veb
This thread is painful enough to make my eyes water - partly in sympathy with the posters, and partly because of my own painful memories it dredges up:
There was a woman at work with whom I had a platonic friendship, but everybody thought we were an item. There is a second woman with whom I was (er… am… don’t tell the g/f) completely smitten. She was the only one who knew there was nothing romantic or sexual in my first friendship.
Object of My Desire: So, everybody’s giving you and N**** a hard time then?
Me (jokingly): Yeah, you’d better not talk to me too much, or they’ll think we’re having an affair!
OoMD (very seriously, and stepping closer to me): Y’know, I wouldn’t mind.
Me: Uh yeah, anyway, gotta go. See ya.
OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!!!
This is so nice to feel reassured that I’m not the only one who misses things!
I’d like to blame this on being old, and married, [but only legally] but, it isn’t true. My antennae are bent, and always have been.
I was at a gas station, talking and laughing about something with my son, when I noticed a man watching us, as he pumped HIS gas. I didn’t think anything of it, since Billy and I were laughing, I figured we just caught his attention. When I came out of Texaco after paying, that same guy stopped me, and started telling me he was from out of town.
“Oh that’s nice.” He told me I had beautiful eyes and he’d ‘love to see me again.’ “Oh, well I get gas here a lot, so anything is possible!” I say, cheerily back to him.
Folks, he had to say THAT THREE times, before MsDimBulb finally GETS it!! I can feel myself blush like crazy, [or it could’ve been a hot flash, who can tell these days???] and say, ‘Thanks but no thanks’ and I’ve STILL not been back to that station!
Bent Antennae People Unite!!
Can we include hints that we’ve given that have been totally missed?
There was a woman I used to work with. I gave her flowers on Valentine’s Day and invited her to a play. She said yes, so I called the theater and reserved two tickets. Then she sent me an e-mail asking if I could get a third ticket so she could bring a date.
Sweet mother of God, I’m the king of missed signals and lost chances.
There was a smokin russian immigrant in my honors class the first year of college, I couldn’t keep my eyes off her long enough to pay attention to the professor.
The next semester, she asked me to go to the movies with her after class (honors colloquium, honors students have it every semester). I had to decline because of work. The week later, she asked me again. I again had to work. I told her I’d take next week off and we’d go (class was only on wednesdays). So the next Wednesday, we go to the movies, me, her, and a mutual friend. She’s on my arm the whole time. I know she has a boyfriend, so I don’t really think much of it.
We get to know each other better and better, and she’s always asking me over to keep her company “while her boyfriend’s out of town”. Eventually it gets to the point where I’m going over to her house nearly every day.
One day, I’m installing her alarm in her car for her, and she’s sitting in the passenger seat. I’m wiring something in the console, and she leans in and says “would you ever date an older woman?” (she’s two years older than me). I, paying more attention to what I’m doing than her, duck back under the dash again and say “well, I guess it depends on how much older they are…”
Her boyfriend came back in town the next week and I haven’t seen her since.
Then there was the stunningly beautiful canadian mormon I worked with. She dated a friend of mine who also worked with us for a while, but dumped him. We flirted CONSTANTLY, always joking around, teasing each other, having a good time. Hell, even when we went out, me, her, her boyfriend (a good friend of mine) and another friend who worked with us, she’d always sit by me instead of her boyfriend. She was so hot. She had a perfect body, deep brown eyes, and long dark hair.
The week before she left for BYU, she gave me a card with her name and phone number written on it and said “give me a call and we’ll go out before I leave.” I got busy with school and didn’t call her. God I’m an idiot.
There was another girl I worked with, we were always giving each other shit. She was hot as hell, too. Always making fun of each other, good naturedly of course, but with some good jabs in there occasionally. Her last day, she gives me her phone number and tells me to call her. I lost it.
So many missed chances, so many regrets. I’m such a pussy when it comes to girls. 
–Tim
So many, so many.
The one that sticks most in my memory started back during a previous marriage. A woman I knew from work flirted a lot, and came on to me overtly once, but I said well, I’d like to, you know, but I’m married…A year or so later, I’m divorced, and she calls me one night about ten o’clock. Can she come over and show me a video she thinks I’ll like? Sure, I have nothing else to do.
She comes over with a video and a big jug of red wine. We watch the video (McCabe and Mrs. Miller, still one of my favorites) and get mildly drunk. No real fooling around, except for sort of leaning up against each other watching TV. It’s late, and she wants to stay the night. Okay, but there’s only the one bed, and no couch. Yes, she knows, she says with a smile. I * still* don’t get it. She takes off her clothes, except for little blue lacy panties. Still no clue, but I am taking notice. I’m thinking it’s going to be hard to sleep, but I’ll try. Then, still looking at me and smiling, she takes the panties off, slowly, teasingly–oh, I get it! You want to have sex with me!
Jeez, what a dummie. Sometimes you just have to spell it out for me.
I had a few friends at my place while I was in college. There was a party later on and I didn’t plan on going. My friend asked a beautiful girl/frien if she wants to go and she says “Only if Mambo goes.” She said it several times. I did not go to the party.
I get hints just fine - as long as they’re from men. Even though I’ve been living with a woman for 8 years now, I still miss the ones from women. Especially women I know to be straight. (And, yes, this happens more than you might think. God only knows why.)
Worst one ever (because the first): T comes over, dressed in an outfit that is not so much revealing as absent, to spend an evening with my roommate (this was in college). When I wander into the living room, she asks if I like her outfit. I say of course I do and ask her if she’s planning on going out somewhere after she’s done at our place (because her clothes are more appropriate for a club). She says, “Only if I have to.” I think, hmmm, wonder what that means?
About an hour later, she comes back to my room, where I am being my usual non-social self, avoiding my friend’s gathering. She says she’s thinking about heading out. I ask her if she’s decided where she’s going yet. She says, “Well, it really isn’t my decision.”
I just gaze at her in confusion.
“Would you mind if I stuck around with you for a while?”
I tell her of course not, she’s welcome to, while thinking to myself, what the…?
She comes over, sits next to me on the bed, puts her hand on my thigh, and asks me what it’s like to have sex with another woman. A snail would’ve figured things out by this point. I mean, there are porn movies that start like this. But still no clue penetrates my brain.
I just wonder what strange sort of mood has overtaken T tonight, but I get the sex-with-women question from time to time, so I have an answer ready. I give her the stock answer.
She begins…no, I can’t. Even thinking about this, almost nine years on, is making me blush. There’s no way I can type the rest of it. Let’s just say things went on for another half hour, with me completely missing every clue. She finally gave up after she took off her shirt and bra and asked me to rub her back, and I obliged (although puzzled) - totally non-sexually, of course.
I didn’t figure things out until later that night, when I was recounting T’s strange behavior to my roommate, a good friend. He listened to the story, struggling to keep a straight face, until I got to the shirt-off portion; then he laughed so hard he nearly threw up. (Bear in mind this is a guy who normally missed any hints less subtle than an ice pick in the crotch, and I was the one who had to let him know what they meant. So for him, this was a sweet case of turned tables.) When he stopped laughing, he told me. Then everything became clear.
I never saw T again; I avoided her completely because I was so utterly embarrassed by what had happened. Or what I’d missed. If I’d caught it, I wouldn’t have had sex with her, but I would have known to turn her down gently. As it is, I’m not sure if I came off as utterly clueless or really mean or what, and I’m not sure I want to know, either.
At least this one had a happy ending.
This girl and I were in the “just friends” stage, and I had taken her out to a play (I was shooting photos for the college paper and had free passes). As we were leaving the theater, we ran into a friend of hers and, after talking for a while, she said (to her friend) “Well, I’ll see you later, we’re going up to his room.” I was a little surprised, but nothing registered.
We went up to my bedroom and talked for a while, during which time she stretched out on my bed. Finally, she decided to take the initiative and reached her arms out to me. Summoning up reserves of charm and charisma that would have Fabio drooling in envy, I suavely said,
“Do you want help getting up?” :rolleyes:
Fortunately for me, she answered with “You’re cute,” then proceeded to grab me by the shirt and pull me down on top of her. 
I don’t know if I’ve gotten any more cluefull since then, but at least I’ve found plenty of women who think my stupidity is charming.
–sublight.
Quick question for an flirt-savvy people who may wander into this thread. If you’re talking to a girl and she laughs at pretty much everything you say, even the things which weren’t funny and weren’t even intended to be, is she flirting? The reason I ask is that this has happened twice to me this week and I’ve not acted on it.
EVERYTHING goes over my head. Two people in my office were in a blood feud where they wouldn’t even be in the same room with each other. I had no idea for 18 months. My two friends were in a serious relationship–I had no clue. Another grad student I knew kept turning up in the mornings at my boyfriends house–I thought nothing of it, I had no idea she was sleeping with his housemate and was desperately in love with him until she told me a year later. I should walk around with a huge cartoon thought cloud over my head reading “duh…”
When Mr. Cranky starting hanging out, we did a lot of things together but I felt no vibe. But after an evening at my friend’s house playing pictionary, she mentioned “Boy, he’s crazy about you, isn’t he?!” I was flabbergasted. Really? Me? She said it was glaringly obvious to everyone. Everyone except me, that is.
Although it’s embarrassing to be clueless, I have to say it makes me less of a gossip and less speculative about people’s private lives. I also think it’s healthier for me to not know about (much less participate in) office politics. On the other hand, I’ve probably put my foot in it a few times, asking enemies to the same party, asking questions that are innocent to me but mortify the listeners… and who knows how many fun flings I may have missed out on…
What do you mean? There were hints?!?! I didn’t see any hints.
Although I am definitely not an expert at flirting, I am a girl who is very easily amused. Pretty much everything that most guys say makes me laugh, so I wouldn’t read too much into it. However, I do get much more responsive to a guy and his jokes if I like him. Guess I’m not much help, after all. When I really like I guy, I actually get kind of mean. I insult him and cut down his bad jokes. I should probably work on that…
Aiiieee… the horrors of Being Oblivious.
At university I shared an apartment with my best friend C. I was interested in another friend V. We were all in the same program, so naturally we were in the same classes and saw each other frequently. But I just didn’t see that C and V were together for a whole year, until C apartment-sat V’s parents’ ritzy condo in Toronto one summer. C and V married and have been very successful together: house, beautiful daughter, family life with relatives… sigh.
Between the many times when I just didn’t see existing relationships around me, and the times I’d actually been aware of possibilities with someone and then lacked the courage to take steps towards that someone… it’s no wonder I hadn’t been in any flirt threads.
But I’m hoping things will change. I (and half the people I know) seem to be on the move: new apartents, new houses, new jobs. New life! And I’m learning to be more observant of the actual people and events around me, rather than remaining ‘stuck in my head’ and replaying my own thoughts.
Maybe I’ll actually become aware of an oppurtunity in time to do something about it… 
I was at a party, and a cute woman decided to sit in my lap. I bounced her up and down on my knee for a moment before she said I should stop. “Why?” “Because if you don’t stop, I’ll come.” Somehow, I managed to miss the implications here, and left the party later, alone.
I was watching a video with a woman with her sitting in front of me, leaning back against my chest. She took my hand and placed it squarely on one of her breasts. I thought “this is great…but I’d better keep my hand perfectly still or she’ll realize where it is.”
A friend of mine came to visit me in my dorm room. She said she was tired, or something (I can’t remeber anymore) and wanted to take a nap, so she climbed into my bed. Then she said I should join her. I made sure to stay on my side of the bed, so as not to violate her personal space. She said “C’mon, you can do better than that.” Not knowing if she was interested, I stayed on my side. She left in frustration.
Strangely, even though I’ve gotten more clueful, it doesn’t make up for all the missed opportunities.
1st time: Girl named Judy was one of the 10 hottest girls in my high school. She used to call me all the time, stare into my eyes while we talked, asking me what I was doing on the weekend and then showing up there. Since I have no confidence in my looks, I never even considered the fact she could have a crush on me. I never found out until 10 years after high school ended.
2nd time: Secretary at work always come back to my office and while she talked would “accidentally” flash me shots of her lingerie or skin. I thought she was just teasing me to see me turn red, so I tried not to look. I find out after she quit that she was trying to get me to have sex with her in my office.
3rd time: I was so in love with my ex-gf that when she told me the used condom wrappers under her bed belonged to her roommate, that the half written love letter in her notebook was from last year, and that she had actually left for the party wearing no panties, I beleived her. What a moron I was.
I actually dated a guy for about 2 months, and had NO IDEA that we were dating!?!?!
Seriously - I didn’t find out until years later that we actually dated - I met his new girlfriend and couldn’t figure out why she was acting all weird/clingy/ex is in the house-ish.
Then I found out - I was the ex in the house!
Apparently, I AM clueless.
al.
Not an obvious hint. A maybe, possibly, really-don’t-know story.
A dear friend in high school wound up going to the same college as me. She got terribly upset once over the fact that a mutual friend of ours had made something of a pass at her, and she came to me to be comforted and to talk.
Despite my enormous attraction to her, I figured the best thing to do would be to make sure she knew that I would never “turn on her” in the way this other friend had, so I said, “I’m your friend and I’m always going to be your friend and I’ll never say anything like that to you … you can count on that.” Words to that effect, anyway. While she’s crying … on my shoulder … with my arms around her.
It is not much of an understatement to say that she never spoke to me again after that day. I still wonder if maybe I was missing my opportunity to make something happen there.