When asking a girl out, there are all kinds of signals letting a guy know if she’s interested – body language, phone number, conversation, etc. During that first date, there’s usually clues that let a guy know whether things are going along nicely or whether it’s the end of the line.
But it’s sometimes not that easy. Something I read made me stop and think – “If a girl’s really interested, she’ll make it easy for the guy.” This isn’t referring to sex but more to the starting of a dating relationship. Most women I’ve asked out tend to hold back and make it somewhat hard for the guy at first. After a few dates, things seem to get easier.
As a woman, what do you do to let a guy know you’re interested in him? Do you find yourself actively doing things to encourage a guy’s interest (for example, sending an email or calling just to say hi) or do you tend to wait for the guy to make the first moves for a while before you reciprocate the interest?
Well, personally, I don’t “make things hard” more than “I’m a clueless git”. I hang out with guys a lot. “Let’s catch a movie” doesn’t mean date to me. It means I get to see a movie with a friend of mine.
After that, my main signals of interest include me saying I’m interested, or if I’m feeling subtle, sex.
It’s probably a good idea to watch how she acts around other guys. For example, I laugh at any guy’s jokes (unless I hate him), but when I like the guy I try to make some sort of physical contact.
Also - please make the first move! Not necessarily the first sexual move, just ask her out - and make it very clear that you mean a date. I am such a chickenshit that I will probably never be able to really ask a guy out.
Looking this over, I don’t really know how helpful it is. Oh well.
In the case of my current boyfriend, it took me a few weeks of hanging out with him to decide that I wouldn’t mind if we kissed. Honestly, that was my exact thought - sitting in a bar, I looked at him, and thought to myself, “I wouldn’t mind if he kissed me.” Prior to that he was just an oddly endearing dorky guy that got all my obscure references, god bless his little heart.
We met when a mutual friend invited me and my son to join them for dinner. A few weeks later, I was sent a Simpsons-related email, and I forwarded it to him. We began an email correspondence - two or three multi-page emails a day. Maybe parts of the emails were a little flirty, but that’s just how I am. I invited him to do stuff, but never with the intention of hooking up. I just liked his company and his correspondence. But apparently I gave out enough ambiguous and inadvertent signals to keep him coming around, because after the first couple not-dates I tried to make it clear I was keeping my physical distance - I was pretty sure he was attracted to me and interested in something more, but I had just completed a messy breakup and wanted to take it easy for a while. And even though he knew that I didn’t want to get physically involved - he never tried anything, even when I was totally drunk and he could easily have taken advantage of my state - he kept emailing and inviting, and I did the same. It wasn’t until we were sitting in a bar after seeing the South Park movie that I thought, maybe this particular weirdo is of the extra-good sort after all…and when I was okay with something physical happening, I tried to make that clear too - say, instead of just laughing at what he said, I’d touch him and laugh. You get the drift.
I guess the point of this long and rambling crap is that she may be unsure of what she wants from you and is just testing the waters. At some point you or she is going to have to up the ante, as it were, by words or actions. There’s always going to be a risk of rejection from both parties, but hey, it’s usually worth it.
Meadea, I’m sorry. I looked up the word “subtle” and you weren’t listed anywhere!
How do you know a girl’s interested? I’ll use myself as an example; maybe some of these will ring a bell (using the general “you”):[ul]
[li] I look directly in your eyes while I’m talking to you and don’t get distracted from you whilst doing so[/li][li] Stand close to you while I’m talking[/li][li] Talk in a lower, quieter tone of voice[/li][li] Innuendo, innuendo, innuendo[/li][li] Little gentle touches when I talk to you. Really, any excuse to touch you will do[/li][li] Like you said, I’ll email or make excuses to have contact with you[/li][li] I’ll ask you out.[/ul][/li]If the target doesn’t get it after these items, I think attendence at “Clue School” would be necessary 'cause I’m really not all that subtle.
Now, other women. Well, some treat it as a power issue, some are just too fearful (like Chum - don’t worry, Chum sugar! I used to feel the same way!), some are just plain undecided. It really depends on the gal - what’s she like with other people? If she acts the same way with you as she does other guys, I’d say she’s probably not. However, never hurts to ask!
Generrally when you walk into your room and they’re doing naked yoga on the floor while mouthing the words “Take me master” is a good inclination.
But, alas, the above scenario has never happened to me.
Play it easy. Relax, try not to push the fact that your interested, and if you feel the moment is right, go for it.
Remember, you’ll land on your head more times than on your feet, but you’ll never know unless you try.
All good points so far. Question for you, Bunny, about your list – at what point would your list kick in? You meet a guy, he asks you out, he’s an interesting guy. Do you treat the first date as an “interview”, decide you like him, and then up the interest level on the second date? Seems like all the women I’ve been out with check you out on the first date. If you pass the test, the interest level goes up after that, not before.
Medea - are you available? What about your sister?
thewiz, yeah, my list is kind of pre-date, but it’d also apply on dates subsequent to the first one too. And yes, a first date is an “interview”, of sorts unless we’d been friends for a period of time before that.
I am semi available. (No current SO…not sure if I want one.)
And my next oldest sister is 12, so you can just back the heck up buddy.
Go with Bunny’s list. The reason I didn’t post something similar is that I’m like that with just about everyone I’m comfortable with. I’m very touchy, raunchy, and stuff… unless I’m very uninterested in you as a human being that’s how I act.
<furiously scribbling notes>
Ooookay, that clears up everything. Thanks.
Seriously though, part of the problem is that, often, guys are so used to misinterpreting signals from women that when real ones come along, they miss them completely and have to almost be hit over the head with a shoe before noticing. For me, everything is innuendo, so that might not raise a flag. The touching, closeness, eye contact AND innuendo, however, might spark something. Medea’s subtle approach, though, could mean many things: “I had an itch,” “I wanted to make sure I wasn’t a lesbian,” “It was closing time and you were there.” See? Confusing.
What Twisty said, if you feel it is right, go for it, is not a bad idea, either. The thing to remember there, tough, is that you will occasionally crash and burn terribly, but you only have to fly once to make it all worthwhile.
Good luck, and another thing: men have been trying to figure out women for more years than you or I have been alive and so far, the answer can be summed up in the following quote: " ."
Laughing and touching is flirting, eh? Well shoot. I guess I’ve been flirting with all the DFW dopers. I never thought of myself as the flirty type though.
Well see, Grace, there’s laughing and touching, then there’s laughing and touching. You know, not the “holding on to their arm while you laugh”, but more the “letting your hand slide gently down their arm as you laugh” thing. You know what I’m talkin’ about I’ll bet.
I do know what you mean too. I’m a “toucher” in most situations and there’s definately a difference between the two types.
I know what you mean BunnyGirl I’m relieved to see I fall in the first group and not the second. Don’t tell Mr. Grace, but every once in awhile I really mean second group of laughing and touching.
C’mon, think, you’re a bright guy. You mean you really don’t know?
Each woman is unique, and thus it is impossible to “figure them out” in general terms. Sure, there are patterns to human behavior, some conventions based on society, some of which have been stated in regards to the OP, but really it’s a individual issue. Trying to figure out the entire range of human emotion in some simple explanation is kind of ridiculous; it’s like trying to predict next month’s weather by the looking at the shape of the clouds in your sky today. In order to really “understand” women (or men, for that matter), one would have to reconcile all the mysteries of human psychology, understanding and predicting every rational and irrational act. (And how can one predict irrationality?)
From the male perspective, here’s the best advice I can give for the OP and dating in general, but it’s probably appropriate from both sides:
Pay attention. As should be evidenced by the responses so far, subtlety takes different forms. A smile and shy glance might be the only sign you get.
Control your fear. Honestly, this is where I typically failed when I was trying. You need to be able to respond appropriately for any progress to occur; fear can prevent this. Be yourself, not an image; it’s all a matter of being comfortable with who you are.
Be understanding. Misinterpretation is inevitable because various people interpret the same thing differently. No one likes to be pressured, and of course force is just wrong. It can very difficult to tell someone to go away, sometimes it’s harder than being rejected. Rarely is it really appropriate to get mad at someone for rejecting you; realize there are probably many people you yourself would reject too.
Communicate, communicate, communicate. It’s cliche, but communication is the key to any healthy relationship. (And from my personal point-of-view, there is a moral obligation to be honest; if all you want is fun, then the other party should know that before, not the morning after.) Get to know them as a friend first–try to see the individual, not a stereotypical male/female that’s a target of attraction. How do you know if she’s interested? Well, if you really want to know, ask…
Be patient. Some people are lucky and find love right away. Some people just get lucky. And some people struggle for a long, long time. Personally I’ll take the struggle instead of the compromise.
Of course, I’m the idealist, and this is as much common sense theory as anything… If you knew where my heart is right now you might question the validity of my opinion, so take my advice for what it’s worth.
There are subconscious clues though: preening is the big one. She sees a guy, she preens, just like animals. She’s preening because she is wanting to mate (well, not directly but instictively). Watch her clothes, her hair, if she does any special preening when she sees a guy right away, e.g. she might brush her hair back or get a look in her eye or a special nod.
To figure out if they want sex, though, that’s the easiest of all, they simply don’t say ‘no’ when you touch them & you touch more intimately. try it.
… badda bing. Yes, Dopers, more proof that it’s a really great idea to pace one’s self, as one approaches 10,000 posts. <Gag>
Funny. I’ve always been the kind of gentleman who signifies a more substantial attraction by taking her hand gently in mine and sucking on her fingers while she spoke to me. I dunno, it’s always been an successful form of communication.
Cartooniverse, or as I’ve been known, " Old Slurpy "
