I attended the wedding of a friend the other day and we were reminiscing and laughing about how the happy couple got together. He was lamenting that he had thought he was giving off obvious signs that he was interested in her, and he was saying that she had absolutely no idea that he had been interested for ages. It turns out that his clincher sign was he kept offering to give her lifts places and then getting lost along the way - she still couldn’t see it.
So I thought I would ask - what are the signs you give (or notice) when you’re interested in someone (or they’re interested in you)? Are we all really as clueless as my poor friends?
Sorry, you lost me somewhere in there. You’re going to have to come up with some clearer signals if you want some reciprocity.
As for me, I usually do the “paying inordinate amounts of attention” thing. For example, if we’re at a bar, I’ll make special trips by wherever she’s sitting to make sure she’s doesn’t need another drink. If we’re at the movies, I’ll offer to buy her some popcorn or candy. I’ll open doors. I’ll throw away her trash after lunch. If she’s stepping off a curb or out of a car, I’ll put out my arm to let her balance off of me.
The little touches are nice, too, although those are usually step two. If I haven’t received a clear sign that she’s interested, I’ll usually go out of my way to be respectful, keeping my hands in my pockets. In other words, unless she’s given me some clear sign that she’s interested, I’m a wuss. Often, the “clear sign” requires some flashing neon lights and/or removal of her bra.
However, when the situation seems to call for it, I’m not above pulling her pigtails on the playground.
No, it doesn’t seem to be working out too well at the moment. Maybe we should try the “Giraffe Method” ™. It couldn’t work any worse. Plus, it sounds like a lot more fun.
I highly recommend it. It took me most of my dating life to figure out – I spent a long time on the subtle hinting method and it didn’t really work for shit. Stick with the ol’ ask-n-fuck.
It’s really quite pathetic what I’ve become in the past month or so. The best part is when the other person notices you’re doing this and knows why and doesn’t do anything.
I managed to overcome this for a brief instant in time- but it was soon ruined as I had to dash off to be sick (for other reasons).
Argh! With the exception of the opening doors bit, the rest of this stuff as a constant behavior would annoy the piss out of me. Unless I’m ill, having a bad day, or some under some other negative influence, I don’t need to be babied. I want to be respected. If you’re making a drink run, or throwing your own stuff away, sure you can take mine. But I’ll do the same for you. (This is where door opening comes in too.) Whoever gets to it first handles it, where it is any random inconvience. That’s not affection and attention, that’s common decent behavior. (The ‘offering your arm’ thing is only cute if I’ve actually forced myself into a dress or you’re going to skip with me. If skipping is beyond you, the Baby Elephant Walk is an acceptable substitute.)
“Inordinate amounts of attention” is not taking out my garbage, but listening when I talk and responding. Respecting my opinions, and countering them with your own. Existing in a very real, irreplacable way in my world. Snagging my trash before I have a chance to take care of it isn’t impressive. Any idiot can dump garbage (and I would have eventually, which proves that statement) Making an impression requires behavior that is dependant on a personality, a sense of humor, an ability to communicate what makes you a special, unique being to me, and to the rest of the world.
That’s closer.
Sorry to be so emotional about this, I’ve had this talk a lot.
Personally, I show interest in the same ways that I like it to be shown to me. I pay attention to the individual as a person, hunger to learn about them, interact with them, etc. And touch. I like touching people. kasuo has it in short form.
I have a friend who has a very strange reaction to being attracted to a woman – he tries to set her up with one of his friends. We’ve learned to never, ever date anyone you were introduced to by this lunatic. Best case scenario is the date is a dud and nothing comes out of it. At worst, the date goes well, which results in jealousy from the friend and bad times.
Now I’m feeling that I have been unduly harsh without explination. (I’m not a harsh person, much.)
I have known quite a few wonderful men who do the quiet chivalry route in an attempt to replace actual interaction, where people share themselves, with common courtesy and a bit of condescension. This is behavior that creates the “nice guy” syndrome. “I’m such a nice guy, but I can’t find anyone.” The thing about that behavior is that it is unnessesary. They truly are great guys, they just don’t share themselves with the objects of their affection, and hence the objects never see them as wonderful people.
cowgirl my two sisters and I do the baby elephant walk in malls a lot. Gets some downright wonderful looks.
No worries. I took it as constructive criticism, which can never hurt.
For the record, I try to listen when others talk, respond appropriately, respect others’ opinions, and counter them with my own no matter who I’m speaking with. So I didn’t mention that because it’s not a sign that I’m interested in someone.
Having said that, I’m certainly not above the “nice guy” syndrome. I’m sure I’ve not been as open or engaging as I could be with some women, and at first, I’m sometimes more comfortable speaking about the other person than I am about me. But I’m not trying to use chivalry to make up for a lack of personality, or a self-centered nature, or having no sense of humor. It’s just that taking care of the people I care about is 2nd nature to me. And I guess doing something nice probably gets me a bit of attention that I wouldn’t otherwise get.
And for the record, I don’t “offer my arm” in the sense that I stick out my elbow and wait for her to latch on, like we’re walking into a debutante ball. When she’s stepping off a curb, I’ll touch her elbow or put my hand in the small of her back. It’s a light touch to let her know that I’m there if she needs me, and that I’m thinking of her. If that’s annoying to you, then we’ll just have to limit our relationship to sex, and never venture outdoors together.
