You’d think it would be obvious. If you’re in a place where people are actually trying to ingest aromas, they’re not going to take kindly to a sudden blast of wind via your anus. Therefore, I hope for his sake the massive toot he sprang on us was as big of a surprise to him as it was to us. Still…
I’d ventured down to the cafeteria early, just getting in before a rush of folks followed. Having grabbed a premade sandwich and some lemonaid, I wandered over to the short line of three people waiting to pay for their purchase. As I approached the last person I heard what I thought was someone dragging their foot across the floor, kind of a little whuppuppupp noise. Naw, I thought to myself. Nobody would rip one in the company cafeteria.
As I reached over to grab a fork, a halo of acrid, airborne asshole straight from the rectum of the devil hit me upside the head. I’ll be danged if this Accountant in front of me hadn’t busted ass right there where we were all going to have to wade through it. Olfactory courtesy be dammed.
I immediately exhaled hard enough that I felt a little boogie try and break for freedom and stepped back three or paces as well. Setting down my now tainted sandwich and drink, I wiped my nose and saw a woman approach.
Noticing the large gap, she said ‘‘Excuse me, are you in line here or ma…’’ Wham! Her head jerked back and she too went ‘‘fffnnnnnnaaaa’’ as she vigorously tried to expell his anal aroma. I’d only seen an amimal jerk like her once before. Remember in Cool Hand Luke when Newman sprinkled black pepper all over the ground to throw the bloodhounds chasing him off the trail? They began to sneeze and snort and whine for mercy? Ditto.
Although I didn’t point at the emitter with my finger, I did point at him with my eyes and she turned and glared at him as well.
Never have I seen such a shade of crimson on a guy’s neck before. Beet freakin’ red was he. The lady, whom I knew to be a Senior Exploration Manager, stepped back around me and got in line a safe distance from the guy that ripped.
Another woman came up and eyed the gap but before she could enquire as to our line status the woman behind me called her over to save her from the peril.
‘‘That guy just farted’’ I heard her whisper to her friend. Admittedly, it was the first time I’d ever heard a Donna Reed looking V.P. say that before.
‘‘What?’’ her friend inquired.
‘‘That man’’ she said. ‘‘He just cut the most awful fart.’’
The third member of their party approached. ‘‘Sheila’’ the V.P. cried. ‘‘Over here.’’ As Sheila approached, Donna Reed admonished her to stay back, again stating ‘‘That guy just farted!’’
About this time another checker walked up and opened a second line. I’m not sure if she knew of the cloud of ass that had made ours unbearable but we vacated it nevertheless and made our way over to the divine freshness of the second one.
Looking back, the four of us began to giggle as another man walked up behind the farter and saw his face begin to involuntarily crinkle. ‘‘That poor bastard’s knee deep in fart.’’ Sheila exclaimed. All I could do was return her knowing smile, collect my stuff and leave, hoping to hell I never have to go through the same embarassment that loose assed Accountant did. An educated guess would be that he’ll be brown baggin’ it for quite awhile.