Funniest joke you know

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Well guys, I got a little party coming up and I desperately need new jokes. But not just any jokes, I need the best of the best. You try finding the best of the best on jokes.com, I sure can’t. Anyways I need the kind that will cause a riot of laughter, you know the kind that’ll make you wet your pants. I’m always great at telling jokes so delivery isn’t a problem at all. So I’ll start with a joke which if you say the right way will make everyone crap their pants in unison.

I don’t know what it is that gives people seizures but I think it’s the Carlin like enthusiasm I use when I tell the joke. So give me all you got guys, let’s make this one funny thread

2

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

3

Have you heard about the new blonde paint color?

It’s cheap, it’s not very bright, and it spreads easily.

4

Guy at breakfast with his two boys. Asks one what he’ll have for breakfast. Kid says “I’ll have some fuckin’ corn flakes.” The old man backhands him off his chair, turns to the other kid and says, with menace, “And what about you?”. Kid replies, “Well, you can bet your ass it won’t be corn flakes!”

5

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Interrupting Cow

Interr…

MOOO!!!
that one makes me giggle just thinking about it :D, but my wife thinks it’s dumb.

Pebs

6

Last night I was woken up by a old drunk man walking down the street giggling his keys.

I called the police in fear that this poor old guy might get hurt.

When the police arrived they got out and one officer asked the old man, “Can we help you sir?”.

The old man swaggering said, “I lost my car, I can’t find it.”

The police officer replied, “When was the last time you remember seeing it?”

The old man replied giggling his keys, “Last time I remember it was attached to this key.”

The officer said, “OK sir we’ll take you down to the station to fill out a missing vehicle report.”

As the old man and officer were walking towards the patrol car, the officer noticed that the old mans pants were undone and his dick was hanging out.

The officer said, “Sir did you know that your dick is hanging out?”

The old man replied, “OH NO ! ! My girlfriend is missing too!”

7

There’s the Polar Bear Joke, but everybody but one person in the room has to be in on it.

Two polar bears were standing on an ice floe when suddenly a large section broke off and the bears started floating out to sea. As they watched the land getting further and further away, one turns to the other and says, “I’m gonna swim for it” he jumps in and starts swimming like mad.

The other one calls after him, “You’ll never make it”

At which point everyone starts laughing and the poor fool you’ve targeted feels stupid for not getting it.

Ok… this one the best joke in the U.S.A. contest.

Two men were playing golf when a funeral passed by. One of the men got down on his knees and said a prayer.

“Wow, said the other, that was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Well,” replied his freind, “we were married for over 20 years.”

8

So this Pakistani turns up at The Pearly Gates

“What do you want here?” says Peter

'I’ve come to find Jesus"

“Jesus, have you ordered a taxi?”

9

Jesus and Moses are out playing a round of golf when they come to a long water hole. Jesus contemplates the distance and pulls out his driver. Moses says, “What are you doing? You can’t carry the water from here! Lay up.”

Jesus replies, “I saw Tiger Woods play this hole the other day, and he cleared the water. If he can do it certainly I can do it!” And with that he takes his swing and knocks the ball clean to the middle of the lake. Moses sighs, walks to the lake, parts the water, retrieves the ball and returns it to Jesus.

“I told you that you couldn’t clear the water, so lay up. I’m NOT getting your ball for you again!” Moses says crossly.

Jesus replies, “I saw Tiger Woods clear the water from here and he is a mere mortal! I can do this!” And with that he takes his swing and plunks the ball right in the water again. He looks at Moses, who just shakes his head. So Jesus heads out to the lake.

While Jesus is walking on the water looking for his ball the next foursome arrives at the hole. One of the guys looks out and says, “Look at that guy walking on the water! Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?”

Moses answers, “No, he IS Jesus Christ, but he THINKS he’s Tiger Woods!”

10

A man and his wife are arguing. She yells “Every time you open your mouth you embarass me. You’re always talking nonsense! Just last night at the party you told everyone you’d been taking the number 5 bus downtown and Mozart got on and started playing a fiddle!”

The man said, “I’m not talking nonsense, that’s what I saw on the bus with my own two eyes.”

So the wife yells, “You idiot, everyone knows the number 5 bus doesn’t go downtown!”

11

Little johnny is at school, sex education class.

The teacher is explaining the anatomical differences between a male and a female. “The woman has a vagina and the man has a penis” she says.

Little johnny sticks his hand up “miss, my dads got two penises!”

“Don’t be stupid johnny” says the teacher “a man can only have one penis”

“No” he says “my dads got two, he’s got a little one he does wees with and a big one that mommy cleans her teeth with”

12

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: ‘I’d been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn’t find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn’t fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn’t kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself.’

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: ‘I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn’t believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn’t last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me.’

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: ‘Picture this. You’re hiding, naked, in a refrigerator…’

13

Guy has a dog who starts moaning and crying and acting crazy and then passes out. So he takes it to the vet. The vet says “I’m sorry, your dog is dead.” Guy says “I want a second opinion.”

The vet takes out a ginger colored cat,who walks around the dog and then starts crying. Vet says “Cat says your dog is dead.”

Guy says “Geez, that’s a cat. I want a dog’s opinion.”

Vet takes out a black Labador Retriever, who smells the dog and starts crying. Vet says “Dog says your dog is dead.”

The guy starts crying and asks "How much to I owe you?

Vet: $650.

Guy: You’ve got a helluva lot of nerve, charging me $650 to tell me my dog is dead.

Vet: It’s only $50 to tell you your dog is dead. I added $600 for the cat scan and the lab test."

14

This piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer, barman say “sorry we don’t serve string”
String walks out and ties himself up then walks back in bar and orders a beer.
Barman says “I told you we don’t serve string”
String replies “Excuse me I’m not string”
Barman “yes you are”
String “I’m a frayed knot”

15

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise.
They’re all lined up and God asks the first one what the wish is “I want to be gorgeous”, and so God snaps his fingers and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says “I want to be gorgeous too”. Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his arse off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: “Make 'em all ugly again”.

16

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven…don’t step on the ducks.”

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

17

So this guy goes into a bar, after having the most horrible day of his entire life. I mean, really, really bad–he got layed off at work, then as he pulled into his driveway, he ran over his dog, killing it at and the same time, wrecking his car. When he ran in to tell his wife the dog was dead, he found out she was cheating on him, and, by the way, his goldfish died, too.
Anyway, it was a bad day. So he goes into this bar, sits down, and says to the bartender, “Man, I have had the shittiest day imaginable. I want the strongest, hardest hitting drink you can pour, now.”
The bartender says “You want a Fireball? Uh, sorry buddy, but no one drinks a Fireball and lives to tell the story.”
Guy says “No, you don’t get it. Want to hear about a shitty day? I got fired, accidentally killed one of my own dogs, wrecked my car, found out my wife is banging the mailman, and my goldfish, Finny, he was belly-up, too. Now pour me the fucking drink.”
So the bartender says “Wow. Thats… quite a story. Alright, but I am not going to be responsible for the consequences.” And he pours the guy a Fireball.
The guy slams it down. Bangs the glass on the bar. Blinks for a second, looks at the bartender, and says “pour me another one.”
The bartender says “No fucking way, buddy, no one drinks two Fireballs. You’ll puke all over my bar, and yourself, and your car, and anyone who tries to help you. No.”
The guy says “Look, my wife’s cheating on me, and Finny is dead. I can handle it. Now pour the goddamned drink.”
So the bartender sighs and pours him a Fireball. The guy slams it down and immediately falls off the back of the barstool, hits the ground, and passes out. Some of his friends were there, and they settled his tab and dragged him out the door.

Two days later, the guy comes dragging into the bar, sits down, and says to the bartender “Man, you were right. No one should ever drink more than one of those things. God, I went home, and I blew chunks right there on my front lawn. Then I did it again on the front porch, in the kitchen, in the living room, in my backyard, I blew chunks in the hallway, god I probably even did it on the roof, for all I know.”
The bartender laughs and says “I knew it! No one can take two Fireballs, I told you you’d throw up.”
The guy says “No man, you don’t understand… Chunks is my dog.”

For some reason, women always bust their ass laughing, and guys always look a little repulsed. Heh.

18

Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing a casual round of golf. Tiger hits a drive off to the right, right behind a huge tree. He thinks, “I’m playing with Arnie, I’ll ask him what he would do.”

Arnold says, “When I was your age, I’d just hit it over that tree.” Not wanting to be shown up, Tiger takes a massive swing and hits the ball very high, but not high enough. It hits the top branches and kicks out of bounds. Mad and frustrated, Tiger says, “How the hell did you ever hit it over that tree?”

Arnie says, “When I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall!”

19

Q. How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A. Unique up on it.

Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A. Tame way: unique up on it.

-Apoptosis

20

I love (animal) walks into a bar Jokes. I heard this one and laughed all day.

Baby seal walks into a club.