From Hell's heart I stab at thee, LifeSavers®!!!

The BBQ Pit
1

I like LifeSavers. I’ve been enjoying them since I was a wee pup–and that’s been a long time. In that time, there have been changes. Various flavors came and went. Lemon had its own roll for a while. So did grape, which wasn’t available in any of the assortments. Strawberry. Tangerine. Assort-O-Mint. Tropical Fruits, a great favorite of mine since the '60s, used to include coconut and pineapple, but about ten years ago they combined those into “pina colada” and added a fruit punch flavor. The less said about “Fire Fruits” the better.

But for decade after decade there was always the good old Five Flavor roll. The basic LifeSavers experience. Cherry, orange, lemon, pineapple, and my own favorite, lime. But there was some nonsense on the Candystand website threatening to change the Five Flavor roll. And tonight, in the grocery store, I first noticed rolls with “New Flavors!” emblazoned on the wrapper. Oh dear. Well, judging by the colors on the wrapper, it looks like they’ve at least brought back grape, evidently at the expense of pineapple. Grape is good, but dammit, they shouldn’t tamper with a classic.

So I brought a pack home. Opened it up. Ahh…first on the roll is the comforting green color of lime. I pop it in my mouth.

What the fuck???

This isn’t lime.

It’s fucking WATERMELON. They DITCHED LIME AND REPLACED IT WITH FUCKING WATERMELON. YES, I KNOW…er, I mean, I know I’m shouting! But this is outrageous! They can’t just ditch lime, for God’s sake!!! These are LifeSavers. There’s a tradition involved here.

Okay, next up is cherry. Good old wild cherry. As good as lime, really. But then the next piece is red, too. Two cherries in a row? Erk–no–it’s raspberry. OK, now they’re really screwing with my head. Raspberry belongs in the Wild Berries assortment. Or Fancy Fruits, if they’re still making that. What the hell’s it doing in Five Flavors? Five Flavors is yer basic working man’s candy: cherry, lemon, lime, orange, pineapple!

Next…dammit, it’s another watermelon! They’re rubbing it in, those bastards!

The final damage: lime is out. Bye-bye orange. Sayonara, lemon. Yes, all the citrus flavors are gone. Hello, watermelon, raspberry, and–no, the purple stripe on the wrapper didn’t signify grape, it’s blackberry. Only pineapple and cherry remain from the real Five Flavors.

Sigh. Is nothing sacred anymore?

2

Nope.

And have you seen any rolls of all-chocolate Necco Wafers recently?

3

Surrender gracefully the things of youth…

[sub]clean air, tuna, Taiwan, Lifesavers[/sub]

4

NOOO!!!

5

Shit you mean there is more than three flavors? I bought a bag at a gas station so I had something to suck on at work if I needed it. Only ended up with three damn flavors… Watermelon, Raspberry, and Cherry. I wasn’t even lucky enough to get blackberry or Watermelon.
Why’d they have to screw with a classic?

6

They still sell ButterRum, don’t they? DON’T THEY???
Now I have to run to the store to see…

7

Lime candy is horrible and awful. Long live watermelon!!

8

My wife choked on a CreamSaver.

9

No. I mean, yes. I mean. . . ah, screw it.

10

Lime was disgusting. Watermelon rocks.

11

Never heard it called that before.

12

Can one still buy those bizarre pink musk flavored LifeSavers® anywhere? Many years ago, I brought back a bunch from Australia, just to freak out my friends. My god, were they awful…

13

Now that’s a little insulting.

14

EddyTeddyFreddy, I saw a roll of all-chocolate Neccos at a gas station not too long ago, and my SO has a whole case of them at his house (only maybe five rolls are left). A roll of them was the first thing he gave me, though, so I tend to notice them whenever I see them.

And I miss Buttercream Life Savers. I haven’t seen any since I was six, though, so I’ve pretty much given up on ever finding them again.

15

Well I can’t partake of the Savers of Life since my body decided not to process insulin any more.

But I used to buy a pack of wild cherry every day after school in Jr. High.

Never needed no assortment, give me the cherry.

16

Sucks. Bites even.

17

Did, perchance, they screw up the Gummi Savers?

18

You can probably get them imported from someplace or other. About eight years ago, an Australian friend sent me a box of 24 rolls. I still have three. (Aside: I also gave some to kinky friends-- they are a great punishment in a mild s&m scene. “Take this, and you’re not allowed to spit it out.”)

19

I like to freeze the Gummi Savers.
Hmm. Maybe I should just buy regular ones…

20

It sucks rocks that they fucked with the Five Flavors.

But blackberry is my favorite kind from my favorite roll that isn’t around any more: Fancy Fruits.

Still and all, is nothing sacred? Don’t fuck with the Five Flavors, people!