Ho, Ho, Hoooooooh, my head. Why’d I switch to bourbon at 3 a.m.? God, I think I need to put an air-sickness bag behind my beard, just in case.
Look at all the brats lining up already. Time to put on my “game face.”
Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas, everybody. Why don’t you crawl up on Andy’s … uh, Santa’s lap and tell me what you want this year?
I want you to wash between your crack, Santa! Your odor is making baby Jesus cry!
This is a trick. If I get on your lap, you will just do the Santa’s trap door thing. I’m not falling for that again.
Now I now how Santa keeps warm in the north pole… BOURBON!
Oohh Santa! Is that a wee elf in your pocket, or are you just …
Question:
The only chimney in our house leads directly to the furnace…down in the cellar. How do you handle homes like mine?
Can I have a pony?
Why didn’t you eat the sardines I left out for you last year?
Santa Andy,
If I were to sit on your lap and ask nicely, would you give me what I want for Christmas?
Fionn, you don’t want a smelly old pony. You want a BB gun. You really do. And ignore those bozos who tell you you’ll put your eye out. You know you’ll be careful.
What’s that, child? You say you want a snack for Christmas. Why, dear child, that’s so nice of you to ask for something modest. You are a lesson to us all.
Okay, kid, now smile reeeeeaaal nice as you leave or I’ll stuff you down that crack to find the source.
Ho, ho, ho.
Why, dear child, Santa loves everyone. I wouldn’t trick you. My lap is perfectly safe. Just ask the strippers who give me lap … uh, the shoppers who give me, uh, their children – to sit on my lap.
Bon bons? Why, yes. You can have bon bons for Christmas.
Oh, Jesus, folks, Santa is really needing a little hair of the reindeer that bit him.
Why, Santa is always happy to see everyone. You see, an upright jolly old elf. I … I mean, a right jolly old elf. Not upright. Heh, heh. I mean, Ho, ho, ho.
Santa doesn’t always have to come down the chimney. There are many ways for Santa to come.
Leave me your phone number, babe, and I’ll show you a few of them.
Ho, ho, ho!
Just a minute, kids. Santa has to take a break to attend to some very important business. But I’ll be back to take care of the rest of your wishes. Be patient. Santa will be back.
Ho, ho, ho.
where’d I stash the bourbon?
Wheres my damn train set, I asked like 20 years ago, and I been good.
at least for a few of those years
You sound just like the other santas
Santa Andy, why does it hurt when you pee?
**Hey, kids, Santa’s back! And feeling reeaaaaal jolly. Ho, ho, ho. Who’s next?
Santa believes in sharing and …
Ug. The thought of fish on a hung-over stomach … I think I’m gonna …
'Scuse me, kids. Santa has to visit the little elves room.