So, last night me and a bunch of friends went out to see the opening night of Return of the King. Great movie: I highly recommend it. There were seven of us, including my friend Jon, who is a highschool history teacher and football coach. He also plays semi-pro ball as a lineman. Jon is a big dude. And from now on, I’m bringing Jon to every movie I see.
Ya see, while RotK was fantastic, the audience was… less so. In particular, there was a group of teenagers sitting behind us who would. not. shut. up. Oh, sure, if there was a battle scene, they’d pipe down while their puny brains were overloaded with sensory input, but whenever the action slowed down, they’d start up again. The kid directly behind me was the worst. For the first twenty minutes of the movie, everytime there was a hobbit on the screen, he’d say, “They’re not hobbits, they’re dwarves!” Meaning, I think, real dwarves, not the bearded, ax-wielding, subterranean kind of dwarves. This guy was that special kind of moron who, when he says something he thinks is funny, has to repeat it over and over. Urgh. Then, during the Gray Havens scene (when they’re getting on the boat at the very end, if you haven’t read the books), he started again, although this time he said “midget” instead of “dwarf,” because I guess after three hours of watching Gimli, he finally got a clue that what he was saying didn’t make any fucking sense. Every time Gandalf had a scene with Merry, he’d call Gandalf “Michael Jordan.” Because he’s taller than Merry! Geddit? Short people are funny! Fuckin’ idiot. Did I mention he kept kicking my chair, too? Especially during the Shelob scene. Felt like he was having an epileptic fit. “Man, spiders CREEP ME OUT!” Jesus Christ, kid, it’s just a movie. Grow a pair.
Anyway, glares and shushes were given by people all around them, to limited effect. Finally, when the words, “The End” appeared on the screen, the applause died down, and the lights came on, Jon stood up, turned around, and got all school teacher on these kids’ asses. He gave 'em a world class reaming. Oh, man, it was great. Let’s see if I can reconstruct what he said. It was something like, “Thank you, you fucks, for talking through the entire damn movie! Did it ever occur to you that there were other people in this theater who paid to hear the movie, and not listen to you run your mouths like a pack of morons? I have never seen a bunch of more self-centered, selfish assholes in my life! You’re lucky I’m in such a good mood from seeing this movie, otherwise you might have really pissed me off!”
I tell ya, there were a lot of great scenes in the movie, but none of them compared to the terrified rictus grins on those kid’s faces. To say nothing of the nods and thumbs up and general growls of agreement from anyone who was sitting within two rows of these sonsabitches. If the little fuckers have brain one in their heads, next time they’re in a theater they’ll keep their mouths shut and their feet on the floor. To paraphrase the immortal words of Vincent Vega, it was almost worth them doing it, just to see them catch hell for it.
