Gather round children, uncle Inky has a Christmas tale to tell you all – a cautionary tale.
Now, we all know that on Christmas eve Santa Claus brings toys and goodies to the good boys and girls of the world, and coal to the naughty kids. But what about the really, really naughty kids? Well I tell you, these poor souls get a visit from TARANTULA CLAUS!! Yes, Tarantula Claus. What, you’ve never heard of Tarantula Claus? Well maybe if you turned off that stupid Nintendo box once in awhile you’d learn something, smartass. Now sit down and listen.
Tarantula Claus is an eight foot tall mass of tangled, matted brown fur. His eyes are grey and soulless and there is no laughter in his tight-lipped grin. On Christmas eve he harnesses together his pod of magic flying dolphins and…
Yes, flying dolphins. Yeah, and flying reindeer makes perfect sense does it? Sit down Cindy.
As I was saying, he harnesses his flying dolphins onto his magic ornamental bridge and soars through the night, searching for naughty little boys and girls so he can steal their gall bladders to sell in Chinese medicine shops!!
What’s that Bobby? Oh no, Tarantula Claus wouldn’t come looking for you. No, Tarantula Claus only comes after naughty little children, the kind of children who go peeking at the magazines uncle Inky keeps under his matress, but we don’t know anybody like that, do we…
Say, what’s that noise? You don’t really think it might be … HIM!?
It’s got nothing to do with snow, California is a just a weird reality unto itself.
Oh, if anybody’s interested I’ve discovered that my neighbor will make you a dolphin for between $450 and $650. Great for that hard-to-buy-for person on your Christmas list!
Thanky, DeVena…It’s only taken, ohhh, four years or so of lurking. Oh course the fact that the holidays have made the workplace rife with slack helped give a push to finally post.