Things have gotten really, really bad planning this stupid wedding. We limited the number of wedding invitations that my future father in law could send out because we wanted to keep the wedding small, cost-effective and intimate. The number of people he has invited has already doubled the cost of the wedding anyway, and we have had to re-write the catering contract twice. But this really takes the cake. We finished printing our wedding invitations and sent him a few to send out to his friends. By a few, I mean 20. He replicated them, and wound up sending out 300 additional invitations, and intends to send out even more. My fiance, my family and I only sent out 60 invitations total.
We’ve demanded, threatened and begged this man to stop, but he pulls this Zen shit on us: “Oh, it doesn’t matter how many people I invite to your wedding. You’re just choosing to get mad because you want to get mad. My actions have no effect on you.” Well, they do if you fucking bankrupty my family because a zillion people show up to our wedding, jackass! It’s gotten so bad that my fiance wants to uninvite his dad to the wedding and sever all ties with him. I don’t know what to do. Give his father a lobotomy?
If you are dying to have a wedding though perhaps you should consider changing the date. You don’t want 300 people you don’t know showing up!
Seriously, I know it sucks but change the date of your wedding. And make sure father in law doesn’t get an invite, at least not until it is too late for him to invite anyone else. Maybe call him 30 minutes before the wedding and tell him to high-tail it to the church.
OMG! He does not think adding a potential 600 people to guest list impacts anyone? Can you take him to the site of your wedding and show him that even 300 people will not fit?
If I were on your jury for his homicide I’d vote for a complete acquittal.
Thanks for the advice. I haven’t figured out what this guy is smoking yet. That’d be hilarious if we changed the date! I’d be happy with eloping (I even suggested it when we got engaged), but my fiance wants a wedding. So we’ll have a wedding. It’ll be interesting, though. Changing the date sounds kinda good. Hmmm… I hadn’t thought of that.
It will cost you a little bit of money to change dates. I guess you are going to need to send out 60 new invites. But, it is less money then you will spend on trying to feed 300 of your new FIL’s nearest and dearest. Plus, it sounds like your 60 people are all close friends and family. It shouldn’t be too hard to pass the word that your FIL is crazy and not to tell him when the wedding is.
You know, Cruise Ship captains can perform wedding ceremonies. Picture This: Bride & Groom, barefoot on a beach, exchanging vows as Aqua waves lap the beige-pink sand.
Now take that picture, print it on a post card, and send it with this pre-printed on the back:
“Having Wonderful Time! We Can Tell You’re Not Here!”
Then underneath it, pen and ink the following (all ThankYou notes need Some ink on them):
"Dear Father-In Law,
You were right! No actions that you take affect me. Thank You for releasing that burden from me!!! Now I never need to be angry or frustrated by you. Thank You for that Wonderful Gift!
PS- How’s entertaining those 300 people on your dime going? Sucks to be You, huh?
Cheers!"
Make sure you move up the wedding date by at least a week to allow for postal time.
If this man isn’t paying for all these extra people, then he really needs to be quiet. One possible solution: Do the wedding invitations specifically say about the reception? If not, send note to those people who are invited to the reception only. Don’t send one to FIL. After the ceremony, have the officiant make an announcement thanking everyone for attending, have a nice day, and oh by the way, the couple requests that the reception that follows is limited only to those who received a special invitation. Kinda tacky, but I’ve seen it done many times.
Tell him how much you are paying per person for the wedding. Then add that since he has x amounts of guests coming, he owes you $x. (Tell him this ahead of time–that you are prepared to pay for X amount of people and he will have to assume all the rest of the costs.)
All good suggestions so far. I feel that any one of these actions, or combinations thereof, is warranted in this situation, and would work.
But one thing. Next time you encounter your Father In Law, keep this in your mind. You are in this situation solely because of his actions. Also, be aware that whatever you do to fix this is going to upset him and embarrass him in front of his friends. This will cause a lot of ill with your Father In Law. So be it.
As long as you are aware up front that you have to rude in order to counteract his rudeness, then you will be able to sleep at night.
Planning a wedding is very stressful. Your Father In Law is wrecking it. If you want to save it, it is up to you and your fiance.
That’s just weird. Did someone tell him that there is typically a per person charge associated with a wedding and therefore the number of people he invites does make a difference? Or that reception venues have limits? Did he really invite 300 more people or were you exaggerating? Is he currently married to the grooms mother? So many questions.
I understand the need and desire to have family harmony, but this guy has crossed the line big time.
The good news is that you and and your fiance appear to be ready to present a united front, no matter what decision you finally arrive at. As difficult as this is, this sort of thing is 1000 times worse when your future spouse isn’t ready to back you up. Good for him!
If I can add my suggestion to the list, I think that the future father-in-law needs to be told the following, or some variation on it, by whoever you believe is best suited to deliver the message:
“Dad, as important as it is to us for you to be with us on this day, we simply can’t accomodate the number of people that you wish to invite. That means that you have a decision to make. You may come to our wedding, inviting up to twenty other people, no more, and we would be overjoyed to have you and those twenty people there. Or, you can decide that you are not willing to honor our wishes for our wedding. If that is the case, than we will have no other choice than to let you know that you are no longer welcome at our celebration.”
If he gets pissy about the whole thing, tell him “Oh, it doesn’t matter whether or not you’re invited. You’re just choosing to get mad because you want to get mad. Our actions have no effect on you.” Just be aware that it will probably tick him off more than anything else. People hate to have their own words thrown back at them, especially when they are being unreasonable jerks to begin with.
I hope it all works out for you. And congratulations on your upcoming nuptuals.
It might not have any helpful tips, but reading some of these other stories might at least make you feel better.
(P.S. - I would BURY that man! Good Luck)
Eloping is the obvious course. In Conceivable had the obvious answer if you want to keep the wedding: call him 30 minutes ahead of time and notify him.
My only additional suggestion: get the above quote engraved on a plaque and hand it to him when he whines.
Thank you for all the suggestions! I wish that the number 300 were just an exaggeration, but we had already sent out about 80 invitations on behalf of him and his family, and he just e-mailed me to tell me that he had printed his own and had sent out 150 of them, so that’s about 230. Prior to printing his own, he had asked us to provide him with 50 additional which we told him we would for some unknown reason. We thought that his total would then be 120 including the additional invitations. But before he had even received those invitations we had printed for him, he went out and got 100 more and is planning to send them whether we like it or not, so I guess the real total will be somewhere near 380. It’s really nuts. At first I had thought it was a cultural misunderstanding - my fiance is Indian and his dad lives in Bombay. I know they do weddings differently there, but I doubt they invite the entire city.
I’m so glad my fiance is on my side on this. The father in law seems determined to subvert out plans in other nutty ways, too. He has sent an email to his friends and family telling them that I am planning a party for all of them on the 22nd of April, two days before my wedding. He decided that he wanted to have a party because my fiance and I told him that there was absolutely no way we could accommodate all of his friends at our rehearsal dinner, which is on the 23rd. I’ve bluntly refused to be involved in the planning, and, the fiance and I have indicated that we will in no way attend this party. Yet he’s still telling his friends that I’m planning it! The man is absolutely crazy. I’m going to shove this Zen shit down his throat as soon as he arrives for the wedding.
Ah. Well, depending on their standing in the community, the way I understand it, they may practically invite the entire city. My wife and I were talking to a co-worker of hers who is from India and she was telling us about her wedding where 2000 people were invited. :eek: And she stated that this was pretty normal, at least in some parts of the country.
That being said, it in no way excuses what he’s done. It’s still your wedding and his behavior is still completely unacceptable.
See, this is why I’m glad my in-laws aren’t insane.
Mr. TeaElle and I are both attorneys. If someone had pulled this kind of nonsense on us, we’d have filed for an injunction against them, sent registered letters to all of the unintended invitees telling them that they were duly uninvited, then slapped a lawsuit on the havoc-wrecker for the costs incurred and the time it took to fix the mess and for the intentional infliction of emotional distress. Then we’d let the courts sort out the whole mess.
2000 people?? Jesus Christ!!! How many people came? At least this guy only has two more months until our wedding. I’m hoping he can’t do too much damage before then, but I think he’s done enough already. Especially since we specifically told him that he could invite no more people than he had already added to the list. Eloping sure sounds good. When we first got engaged, I told my mom we were thinking of eloping. Her response? “Oh, I LOVE Las Vegas!” :rolleyes: I guess my entire family - blood relatives and in-laws - are insane to some degree. Or maybe just clueless.
I am much more calm now after reading all your suggestions.
I may be remembering incorrectly as it was some time ago. I do know that the word “thousand” was used in talking about the number of guests and think it was preceded by “two”. Perhaps someone on the board from India or with a little more knowledge of Indian customs can either correct me or confirm the size of weddings there.
TeaElle - "Lawyers should never marry other lawyers. This is called in-breeding; from this comes idiot children… and other lawyers. " - Kip Lurie, Adam’s Rib
(Yeah, I know you’ve probably heard it before, but a lot of others here probably haven’t.)
I am also planning a wedding at the moment for August. We are controlling the list and invites and all other things - this is OUR wedding, not any one else’s and I’ve made it clear that any suggested have to go through us to agree.
I don’t know what your Father in Law to be is on - but maybe he’s not on enough of it.
Who the hell could afford a wedding for 2,000??? Its plain silly.
