As some of you already know, I have an obnoxious house guest. He’s my fiance’s brother. He got kicked out of his house because it’s easier for his wife to cheat if he’s not there. There are so many other details but that’s not the point of this thread.
The point of this thread is the missing strawberry preserves. Two weeks ago, I bought a 30 oz. jar of strawberry preserves. This is the kind of thing that would probably last me two years or more. I already know that my guest will eat anything that isn’t bolted down. I’ve come to terms with that. What I don’t understand is how one person can eat an entire jar of preserves in two weeks. I haven’t touched them. Mr. Congo hates strawberries and anything associated with them so I know he didn’t touch it. Today, I went to make myself a cream cheese and jelly sandwich and the jar was virtually empty.
Even if I ate nothing but strawberry sandwiches for 2 weeks, I still couldn’t eat the whole jar. I just barely had enough left to make one sandwich. I know he’s eaten stuff other than the preserves because all my other food is disappearing rapidly so it’s not like he’s subsisting on jam.
I refuse to admit that one person can eat that much jam and not turn into a strawberry so I’m looking for other explinations.
My number one idea is gremlins.
Any other ideas?
Hmmmmm…
Munchie much? 
Notice any odd smells coming from his room or maybe behind the house when he’s not to be found?
…
Unfortunatly he sleeps on my couch. The spare bedroom is to cold for the little wuss (by the way, he’s 33).
Anyway, there are always odd smells coming from him. He doesn’t have a BO problem but he always smells like he had chilli for dinner.
Nothing that smells like strawberries though…
T’wasn’t strawberries I was reefer-ing to.
I suppose if one ate PB&J’s for just about every meal for two weeks one could do in a 30 ounce jar of preserves. But if he was eatin’ that many PB&J’s I’d’ve thought you’d’ve witnessed many a PB&J devouring by now … Mighty mysterious.
I don’t get out much - Not only did I not get it when you first said it, I had to read your reply twice before I got it. I’m such a dork.
Nope, no smells like that.
I was just yanking your chain anyways.
How about maybe someone using it for a recipe?
Any bakers around the house?
No mystery. I buy two 30 once jars of strawberry preserves every month. I don’t eat jams or jam-like substances; ever. My husband goes through same, like a snowplow through the first dusting on the pass.
Well, he’s not cooking. That, I’m positive about.
I suppose it is possible that he just eats a lot of jam but it’s odd because I see him eat breakfast and I see him make his lunch. It never has jam in it.
Maybe he’s a 3am eater. It wouldn’t surprise me if he was getting up at 3am to sneak spoonfuls of jam. If that’s the case, that might explain why he can never sleep past 4. He’s on a sugar high.
If he ate all the jam it seems like there would be a lot of sticky utensils in the sink or dishwasher. Have you noticed that all the clean spoons are gone by noon? I guess he could be drinking it. It would be hard to hide that much jam snacking from other members of the household.
Another option is that you put the jam in your cart at the store but somehow it never made it home. Do you remember seeing it at home?
That’s it. See if you can catch him playing with his balls.
Maybe he’s not eating it, but using it in some way.
A friend had a similar situation where the family sized bucket of margerine was disappearing at an alarming rate. Then she noticed her 14 yr. old son’s sheets had a buttery smell. 
Oh god HQ that is funny.
Maybe he sits in front of the TV with the jar and spoon and just eats it.
Cripes…didn’t anyone ever show the kid exactly why Vaseline was created??
Kids, please don’t treat your penis like a croissant.
Blech, never again will I buy whipped butter. I bet everyone else using the butter for what God intended just about gagged when they realized what was going on. Masturbation and the refrigerator just weren’t intended to cross paths.
Great, now I have that scene from Family Guy running through my mind.
Especially when you can treat it like a nice crusty loaf of Italian bread.
Seriously… kinda… I grew up in an Italian household. I used Olive Oil.
And given the quantities of Olive Oil used for cooking at home, my (ahem) alternative application would have gone completely unnoticed, too…
… if it weren’t for the green stains on my sheets.
“Hey Guido, how shall we market our olive oil?”
“Ehh… I got it! Let’s call it “extra virgin” and maybe in addition to Mommas cooking with it, kids will also want to use it to masturbate with.”
“Guido… you are wanna sicka puppy.”
Are you guys trying to get me fired?? Must… learn… to supress laughter…