The Really Bad Advice thread

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I figure it would be fun to have a thread where people can ask questions and get horrible, bad, and totally wrong advice as to how to “fix” the problem, these can be any kind of questions, cars, computers, you name it, one person asks a question and the responder gives a horribly incorrect answer

i’ll start with the first Q&A;

Question; I have a lot of smudges and crud on my laptop’s monitor, how can i safely clean it, also the computer itself is running really slowly, how can i speed it up?

Answers;
Good questions, the best way to clean a LCD screen is to first get a Brillo pad (or another steel wool pad) and give the screen a good hard scrubbing, make sure to use a lot of rubbing alcohol while cleaning it, any really tough smudges or crud that don’t respond to the brillo pad can be removed with a hammer and chisel, once you have the screen scrubbed clean, use some fine-grit sandpaper to give it a nice smooth finish and polish it up with a random orbital car buffer

as far as speeding the computer up, the two best ways to do this are (for American users) plug your system directly into a 220 volt power line, the more electricity you get into the machine, the faster it runs , since people in Europe are on 220 volts already, their machines are already faster than yours

also, you’ve noticed that caffiene makes you think faster and keeps you alert, so whenever your computer is running slow, brew up a nice hot pot of Espresso and pour it liberally on your computer (the sparks mean that it’s working), your computer will get so fast that it will have to shut down and rest to catch up with itself, the solution to this downtime, more coffee!

Next question…

2

umm… okay,
How can I lose 40 pounds?

3

Chop off your head and all extremities.

My question, “How can I jump start my non-existant love life?”

4

Lose 40 lbs… easy!

You need to start a new diet regime right away! If you send me $50, I’ll send you the full color business card, with my name and number on it. There, you can find an address to send me another $50, and you can get my new book on dieting! Some snippets:

> When in doubt, krispy kreme it out!

> Grapefruit - all the meals you need in a week, in one fruit!

> Kerosene - The internal cleanser!

> My authoritative workout plan: involving a complex system of bouncing stretches and extremely high impact jumping with weights!

Interested? I thought you would be! Remember, thats only 2 easy payments of $50!

And My Question: My neighbors piano broke down recently. How can I help fix it?

5

Give the bus driver a huge tip.

Rape someone, then you’ll get lots of gay love in prison.
My question. How do I tell if my car’s bumpers work?

6

run into the back of the nearest convenient police cruiser

7

What can I do to encourage my daughter to learn to walk?

8

The strings in the piano are probably too tight, creating excess stress in the frame. I suggest replacing them with silghtly longer ones, or removing them entirely.

My computer can’t read my new CD. What should I do?

9

Tell her in a firm voice “You must walk”. Then set her on the floor. If she doesn’t start to walk, whip her with the nearest avalible rawhide whip. It sounds harsh, but it’s the only way kids learn

Obviously, you’re computer hasn’t learned to read CDs yet. You and your computer should read together every night, to help instill a sense that reading CDs is fun.

10

Obviously the read-head is dirty. Make a CD out of Duct tape, and run it through the drive to clean the head.

How do I stop my rear brakes from squealing?

11

Rofl - :d

12

You have one of the newer pig system brakes. Remember to feed it twice a day by putting food on your brakes. (Pigs love greasy foods, so be sure to give him pleanty of oils; remember, a happy pig could be the difference between life and death.)

My doggy is lost.
Any advice?

13

Dogs love hunting. Go outside and fire a shotgun in the air randomly as you walk the streets of your neighborhood. Better yet in the middle of the street so he has a better chance of seeing you. Eventually your dog will return to you with a dead duck in his mouth.
What should I get my wife for our anniversary?

14

It would be best to get something for yourself, instead… preferrably something rather expensive that you’ve wanted for a while but she didn’t think would be such a good idea… It will make her very happy to see how happy you are…

15

Is it better to fark a lover and starve a cold or starve a lover and fark the cold?

16

Fark the cold. Make an anatomically-correct snowman/snow-woman (depending on preference) in your front yard, then strip down and go to town on your frozen simulacrum.

Why does it hurt when I pee?

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How do I get that darned toast from my toaster when it gets stuck?

18

It hurts when you pee because you’re having sex with a condom. I recommend very much unprotected sex, with as many anonymous partners as possible.

You get the toast out with a knife, silly. :rolleyes:

I have headaches all the time. What should I do?

19

Because you have frostbite in your genital area from making passionate love with your snowperson too often.

How do I give up smoking?

and

How do I stop my dogs’ hair from falling out and covering the carpets?

20

Put some jelly on your toungue, then stick the toungue in.