Bad Advice

Drink a bucket of lard every evening, and the condition will clear up.

If you make a mistake, sacrifice three goats and a chipmunk to the Gods of Error.

Pour treacle into that piano, to stop the music getting out.

The easiest way to prevent computer viruses is to reformat your hard disk every half hour.

Any other suggestions?

If you get a gnat in your eye, flush it with Tabasco Sauce to chase him out.

6 fried eggs a day keep the doctor away.

I don’t know what that button does either. Why dont’ you press it?

When in doubt just start shooting.

Of course you don’t need to stay on the hiking trails. It’s not like we can get lost.

Go pet that bear cub it will make such a cute picture.

Oh all that ‘cult’ stuff is just a rumor I’m sure the retreat they’re talking about is very spiritually cleansing.

breatharianism works! It really does! (for those that don’t know breatharianism is the diet that says you can live on air alone)

ALWAYS put salt in your eyes.

If you get a flat tire, you can continue to drive on it as long as you and your passengers lean away from the flat, reducing the weight it bears.

For that matter: SOMETIMES put salt in your eye.

Put butter on burn wounds. Add salt to taste.

For best results, use turpentine as a marinade.

Every half hour, shake your monitor to prevent the pixels from collecting in the pixel tray.

Save time getting ready in the morning by bringing the blow dryer into the shower with you.

Sanitize and prevent dust buildup inside your computer case by regularly spritzing a 10% bleach solution in through the fan vents.

If you should happen to get a computer bug, don’t panic. Carefully remove the case, insert a bug bomb inside, replace the case, and voila!

Never reply to court summons, they really can’t do anything to you.

Yes, you can take your knife collection on the airplane. You never know, others may want to look at it during the flight.

When I was a kid we played a game called 'Throw Rocks at Police Cars". You should play it sometimes. When they stop just tell them you are a minor and they won’t do anything.

Date her.

Bison are fun to ride! Tell your spouse to get out the video camera, then hop on one, grab the horns, and take off. Wheee!

Toilet bowl cleaner is an excellent method of sterilizing wounds. Hey, if it’ll clean the toilet you know it will kill all the germs in that papercut.

Flip the switch and see what happens.

Make cracks at manhattan! He’s a fun loving guy!
[SIZE=1}I know, low blow!:D[/SIZE]

  • Fly a kite in the rain under overhead high-voltage transmission lines.

  • Car battery acid cures the common cold. Drink lots.

  • Russian roulette is a fantastic party game…

You don’t have to go to EVERY class. Just make sure you’re there for the final.

Hey, man, hit this. One puff will make your 8 AM class SO much more interesting.

20 credits is a breeze! You better work at least 30 hours a week to cover the extra tuition, though.

Hey, first week kick your roomate’s ass. THAT’ll put him in his place.
BTW, good call, Algorithm, I wonder how many actually got the reference.

Q. E. D. Russian roulette with a pistol is allowing Fate to enter in. Use an automatic…

6 fried eggs a day keep the doctor away.**

The scariest thing is that the Atkins zombies seem to believe that pearl of wisdom.

Put chocolate syrup on your double-edged razor blades before chewing them. They’re not very good straight out of the box.

Wild animals foaming at the mouth means that they are ready for adoption. But spend time with them first as neither of you will want to have to undo a mistake several months down the road when there’s real feelings involved.

Slap your date first thing before embarking on the night’s activities. It’ll make the evening go so much smoother, plus you get to do it again at the end of the date.

Improve Hell’s Angels’ disposition by painting pretty flowers on their bikes while they’re not around, and pouring eau de cologne in their gas tanks. Be sure to leave them a note, with your name and address, so they’ll know who to thank.

Instead of surfing the internet, just read a dictionary. Wow! All the words are already in there!

If you tell all your friends whodunnit, they’ll be able to save time by not having to read the book.

Varnish yourself. What, you don’t want to look glossy?

Of course you can keep the tiger kitty, little girl. It won’t get much bigger than you!

Yes, my dear, it’s okay to pet a sleeping dog. They’re less scary then.

Smoke while filling the gas tank? No prob. Hell, you can even butt it out on the nozzle.

Bleach makes whites whiter. Your teeth are not white enough. Let me fix that.