Bad Advice

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

No, go ahead, drink that yellowish-clear stuff in that white bottle with a blue cap. I’ve heard it does wonders for your skin.

Mm… I think you should drive a bit faster… I don’t think 100 mph is fast enough.

I’m not sure if you’re supposed to use the parking brake on this hill… I’m pretty sure I can hold it myself.

Hm… to learn about it, I think you need to see the TV in action. Why don’t you open the case and turn it on? Better yet, why doncha grab a screwdriver and fiddle with some stuff?

This would make a FUN party trick! Ok, why don’t we turn the gas on, and… OH! OH!! GO TO SLEEP!!

Hm, the lighter fluid is finished. Here’s an idea! Go fetch the gasoline. Make sure to bring a lot.

OOH! GREAT IDEA! I have a few buddies who LOVE to dress in all blue. Why doncha dress in all red, then we can be PATRIOTIC! Oh, and I also have this walk to teach you.

22

Eliminate the suspense. Always use a semi-automatic when playing Russian roulette.

23

Often, super glue dries out too quickly.
Here’s the solution:

Replace the contents of a bottle of Eye Drops with the super glue.
The cap will keep the glue fresh!

Now then, for optimum ease, place said bottle where you would normally keep eye drops.

When driving on the freeway, just for kicks, put the car in reverse!

24

oh and one more!

When cleaning your cds, be sure to use a new brillo pad.

25

When choosing carpet colors, always go for white…what could happen, anyway?

Tigers and other large wild cats are just like domesticated house cats, except they are bigger! Bring one into your house today.

Agree with Zenster in a heated Pit argument (oh, what backlash I will receive! Worth it though, Zen!)

26

Mr. Grizzly Bear is our friend. Go on, walk up to him and feed him some popcorn. Why are you worried that he has big teeth? He’s really a nice animal at heart; he’s never killed anything other than a moose calf. Go on now, don’t be shy.

Chlorox and ammonia are the best mixture for getting disgusting smells out of your bathroom! Watch the miracles it works. What do you mean you’re getting dizzy?

27

Why don’t you go throw that chunk of sodium into the big container of water over there? It’s even more fun than going to watch fireworks!

(Inspired by KRC’s entry) Grizzly bears don’t make very good mothers. You should go take the cubs away from that mother bear to raise yourself.

28

Don’t destroy that wasp nest above your door. Just think of all the door-to-door salesmen it will help keep away from your house.

Got a bunch of unwanted crap to get rid of? Forget eBay! Just set your house on fire. Think of all the new stuff you could buy with the insurance money!

When in heavy traffic, test your brakes by slamming on them as hard as you can. The people behind you will appreciate the opportunity you’re giving them to test their own brakes.

Always respond to remove requests with every spam you receive. The spammers will respect your wishes and never send you anything again. Think about it, if they didn’t care, why would they offer to remove your name?

29

Go ahead, what have you got to lose?

She’s so hot looking, I bet she’s great in bed.

Here, check out this pistol, it’s not loaded.

Pour all your money into tech stocks.

It must be true, I saw it on a website.

Go ahead, loan him the money, he said he would pay you back with interest.

Let’s dive in, the water looks deep here.

That’s one big capacitor there, touch it and see if it’s hot.

We ran out of charcoal lighter, grab that can of gasoline.

Just drain your car oil into the storm sewer, it all ends up in the same place anyway.

Chicago in New Years Eve? You won’t need a jacket, we’ll be bar hopping anyway.

I bet that big ugly guy over there is a real wimp.

We can cross the street here. New York traffic will stop for you like they do in California.

30

Go ahead, eat the yellow snow.

31

That dog’s been scratching a lot lately. We better keep him inside.

32

Go on, live on the edge. Line your shoes with razor blades.

Ever notice how quiet and solemn some churches seem? Perhaps some good loud rap music would wake things up and make the congregation a bit more cheerful. Try it out.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be, but an outright thief instead.

33

There are two big dogs fighting. You should stand in between them smeared in beef boullion.

34

Red sky at morning,
Sailors take warning;
Red sky at night,
Sailors’ delight.
Red sky at noon,
You’ll get raped by a baboon.

35

or get stuck by a harpoon

36

or swallow a balloon
or f**k a loon
okay , sorry, I am done now. MacSpon’s was the funniest I just can’t resist rhyming

37

Mmmm. That takes me back to Eighth Grade science class. Blew up a fish tank, we did…

No fish were in it; It was an experiment. Mr. O’Brien was a fantastic teacher. He managed to set off the fire alarm twice in one day. :smiley:

“Don’t talk to her for a few days, you had best give her some time. Otherwise you’ll start the argument all over again.”

38

Measure once, cut twice. I’ve cut this piece three damn times and it’s STILL too short!

Go ahead! Walk thru the Yankee Stadium bleachers with your Orioles hat on. What are they going to do?

Here’s a recipe for fun! Drink a bunch of beer, then go to GD and flame every thread.

Oh I can beat that train. He’ll stop if I’m wrong.

Come to Marlboro Country!

39

I present to you Hydrogen Peroxide Mouthwash!

40

If cooking oil catches fire, just throw a pitcher of water at it.

If you want a good drink, just tell the bartender, “Hook me up or I won’t tip you!”

If you’re having problems with your SO, get a bottle of bourbon, drink most of it for a lil’ Dutch courage, and then call him/her and “iron it all out.”

Leave milk out on the counter for a week or so, and make your own cottage cheese at home.

Grow your hair into a mullet; they’re coming back.

Put your girlfriend’s father at ease when you meet him by reassuring him that “your daughter and I have gotten really close since we’ve met. I feel like I know her better than anyone else in the world, inside and out.”

Please! How many people actually get audited?

Ignore that silly warning on candles that says “never burn unattended.” It’s really hard for most stuff to catch fire.

If your SO is breaking up with you, ask them why, over and over again, til they tell you. Because of course you’ll want to hear it; otherwise you won’t have “closure.”

If you can’t smell your own perfume, nobody else can, either!

Tell your boss how you really feel; he’ll appreciate your candor.

If it looks good on her, of course it’ll look good on you!