"When going to a party,
Bring trail mix for snacks!
Crunchy roughage
Hides carpet tacks!
Doesn’t matter what name you yell out - she’ll know you’re thinking of her.
Look, if his mom’s a slut, he DESERVES to be told straight out.
During the job interview, make sure the interviewer knows you’ll be spending most of your time on the SDMB. They’ll appreciate your candor and everyone will make allowances for it after you get the job.
Your date would be proud to know that you’re taking care of your health! All that garlic and onion smell would make her mouth water too!
Sure, lead that stallion past the mare herd. I don’t think more than half of them are in heat, and of course he’ll behave with just a piece of baling twine around his neck.
For a lively evening…
- Slice, seed and chop 8 oz. Habenero peppers barehanded.
- Rub eyes vigorously.
- Masturbate.
- Perform prostate massage.
You want to learn how to shoe horses? Hey, it’s easy! Why don’t you take this mustang I caught on the range yesterday, and you trim his hind hooves. No, I don’t know if he’s halter-broke. Why don’t you put him on the crossties and see?
Get your bo-tox injections in a dark alley–it’s cheaper!
Collect your local telephone books. If you don’t use them and put them in individual plastic bags, they will be very valuable someday.
Get your aggressions out by writing threatening letters to public officials. Be specific and very detailed in how you will blackmail/dismember/kill them–it’s a great stress reliever.
Save money! Try home dentistry. All you need is an electric drill, a file or two, some putty, a hacksaw, and a mirror. Have fun! It’s educational!
Set your alarm clock to keep Singapore time. That way, when you wake up, you’ll know what time it is in Singapore.
If you still have any old LPs lying around, they can be played in an ordinary CD player if you simply cut off the edges so they’re the right size.
Consider wearing nothing but a loincloth to work. Just because.
Need more storage room under the cellar stairs? Just saw off those posts underneath – that will clear out a big area.
Does your car’s engine sound funny? Start it up, put it in neutral – or better yet, in drive – then lie down in front of it so you can hear it better.
Are you getting sick of that skunk nesting under your porch? Get a broom and whack it out – it will run away if you’re firm with it.
Take up smoking, it’ll make you waaay more attractive
Express your feelings keeps you from rumaging bad ideas, they need to come out. Next time you get pulled on the road, tell exactly what do think of the policeman.
This works with your wife and your boss, two. You’ll feel liberated.
“alcohol, the cause and solution to all our problems” * Homer Simpson *
… and remember : violence is the solution to everything.
That alligator isn’t moving, I think he’s dead. Let’s go poke him with a stick.
Yah, Roy, trust me…if that tiger gives you any shit, just rap him on the nose with your microphone…
Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a Highway Traffic Cop. Your normal speeder will panic and immediately pull over to the side. This is wrong. It arouses contempt in the cop heart. Make the bastard chase you.
Every time you switch your computer off, buy a new one.
Make it so that when you turn your steering wheel right, the car goes left.
Play russian roulette with a full magazine.
Cats enjoy being thrown in the air and caught. The insane clawing motion just means “I love you and I am enjoying your thoughtful attempts to please me” in kitten-ese.
Bloody coincidences - I posted “Play russian roulette” minutes later someone played it on tv. The program was about addiction to smoking. then I opened this thread again, top of the page “Take up smoking”
Bad advice - form a religeon based on coincidences.
Bloody coincidences - I posted “Play russian roulette” minutes later someone played it on tv. The program was about addiction to smoking. then I opened this thread again, top of the page “Take up smoking”
Bad advice - form a religeon based on coincidences.
Is this from a TV show or movie? It sounds very familiar, but I can’t quite place it.