Tasteless (heh) cannibal jokes here, please.

[norinew]

I can't explain it, and won't even attempt to excuse myself, but I love cannibal jokes. Guess I'm just warped. Unfortunately, I only know/remember two of them:
1. Two cannibals are eating a clown, and one says to the other "Hey, does this guy taste funny to you?"

2. Two cannibals standing in front of a campfire, one says to the other "I hate my mother-in-law" and the other cannibal says "That's okay; just eat the rice."

So, with a topic as sick, twisted, gross and entirely icky as cannibalism, there have to be lots more. So let's have your best (oh, okay, and worst) cannibal jokes right here.

[Revtim]

Two cannibals are eating this guy, one starts at the feet and the other starts at the face. The first cannibal asks his buddy "How are you doing?"

The 2nd cannibal says "I'm having a ball!"

So the first one says, "Jeeze, you eat fast...."

[Johnny L.A.]

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped.

Then there was the cannibal who passed his friend in the jungle.

Two cannibals have a woman in a giant cauldron. One says to the other, "It'll have to be Manhattan-style. She's on her period."

[Johnny L.A.]

Two nuns are in a rapidly heating cauldron. One nun prays earnestly to her Saviour. The other nun starts laughing hysterically. "Why are you laughing?" asks the first nun, "We're about to meet our Father!" The laughing nun says, "I just crapped in the soup!"

[Johnny L.A.]

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The Chief goes to the Frenchman and says, "We are going to kill you, eat you, and make a canoe out of your skin!" But, being a considerate tribe, the Chief offers the Frenchman a last request. The Frenchman asks for a large cognac. Naturally (since this is the way things work in jokes) he is granted a large tumbler of cognac, and is then killed.

The Chief says to the Englishman, "We are going to kill you, eat you, and make a canoe out of your skin!" and offers the Englishman a last request. The Englishman chooses a pint of ale, after which he is killed.

The Chief says to the New Yorker, "We are going to kill you, eat you, and make a canoe out of your skin!" and offers him a last request. The New Yorker asks for a fork.

"A fork?" asks the Chief.

"Yes, a fork."

So the New Yorker gets his fork. Immediately he starts stabbing himself over and over again while shouting, "Here's your fucking canoe!"

[norinew]

Originally posted by Johnny L.A.
Two cannibals have a woman in a giant cauldron. One says to the other, "It'll have to be Manhattan-style. She's on her period."

I hereby pronounce this the most tasteless one so far!!

[Enola Straight]

What does Hannibal Lecter call Michael Jackson?








































The other white meat.

[Dr. Rieux]

Did you hear about the two cannibals who had dinner at a comedy club?
They split a gut!

[Sternvogel]

Did you hear about the philanthropic cannibal who wrote a book called How to Serve Your Fellow Man?

[norinew]

This kind of stuff is why I love you guys! Keep 'em comin'!

[runner pat]

Buffet.
http://www.98cannibaljokes.com/

[Krokodil]

Didja hear about the beatnik cannibal?

He ate three squares a day!

[NDP]

While walking past the entrance to a cave, one cannibal sees another cannibal frantically gobbling down the many deposits of bat guano on the ground.

"Are you crazy?" he asks. "Why are you eating that?"

The other cannibal pauses from shovelling shit down his gullet and explains, "That last guy I ate turned out to be a lawyer and I have to get the taste out of my mouth!"

[Snooooopy]

Should we put the classy cannibal jokes in another thread?

[Bryan Ekers]

Ellen Barkin told this joke on Letterman's show some years back:

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?



"Are you going to eat that?"

[Lumpy]

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to the dinner guest who arrived late?

"I'm sorry, everyone's eaten".

[Annie-Xmas]

What did the cannibal give his wife on her birthday.
A box of Farmer's Fannies.

[Shade]

OK, this is bad, really, seriously, bad, but that's what you expect right?

Q. What did the cannibal lesbian say to the other cannibal lesbian?
A. See you next month.

Originally Posted by Snooooopy

Should we put the classy cannibal jokes in another thread?

Yes, I also am puzzled by the mysterious absense of classy cannibal jokes.

[norinew]

Originally posted by Shade
Yes, I also am puzzled by the mysterious absense of classy cannibal jokes.

No need to be puzzled; I specifically requested tasteless cannibal jokes, and these Dopers are a literal-minded bunch!

[ColonelDax]

A cannibal isn't feeling well and goes to see the witch doctor, who asks what the cannibal ate most recently.

"Well, yesterday I came across this short, fat guy who was mostly bald and wearing a brown robe, and I killed him, boiled him and ate him," the cannibal replies.

"There's your problem," the witch doctor says. "He wasn't a boiler, he was a friar."

[Shade]

Let's see how low I can drag this thread...

Did you hear about the guy who eat his girlfriend and then dumped her? He was a cannibal.

[Revtim]

Originally Posted by Shade

Q. What did the cannibal lesbian say to the other cannibal lesbian?
A. See you next month.

Shouldn't that be vampire lesbians?

[Yookeroo]

Originally Posted by norinew

No need to be puzzled; I specifically requested tasteless cannibal jokes, and these Dopers are a literal-minded bunch!

Shouldn't that be a literal-minded brunch?

[norinew]

Originally Posted by Yookeroo

Shouldn't that be a literal-minded brunch?

No. No, it shouldn't.

[Shade]

Originally Posted by Revtim

Shouldn't that be vampire lesbians?

That was the original, yes.

[F. U. Shakespeare]

(I heard this as an ethnic joke. I will repeat it here, substituting the generic designator, "Group X'. You may replace "Group X" with the group designator of your choice).


A cannibal goes into a restaurant and looks at a menu. It has prices next to various nationalities: $10 for an American; $12 for an Englishman; $11 for a Frenchman, etc.

The cannibal does a double-take, though, when he sees the price of a Group-Xer: $100

He calls the waiter over and asks why a Group-Xer is so much more expensive than the others.

"Hey, it's cheap at that price", replies the waiter. "You ever try to clean one of them things?"

[Ashkicker]

These are pretty funny. But why oh why did I open this thread while eating dinner at the computer?

[thwartme]

I can't believe no one has posted the old chestnut about cannibals not eating Chinese people, because they just feel hungry again an hour later.

(I know, ethnic humour is in bad taste, but hey so are cannibal jokes, right?)

Got a big kick out of seeing this thread here. I've been collecting cannibal stories off the 'net for a little over a year now. Can't freakin' believe how often this actually occurs in modern society. My favourite (if that's the right word) is the dude in Germany who advertised on the net for someone willing to be killed and eaten. Apparently, he actually turned some 'applicants' away before finding someone who suited his... uh... taste.

thwartme

[IKinSpelGud]

Why does Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his porch?

SPOILER:

To greet visitors with a handshake.

[Johnny L.A.]

My favourite (if that's the right word) is the dude in Germany who advertised on the net for someone willing to be killed and eaten. Apparently, he actually turned some 'applicants' away before finding someone who suited his... uh... taste.

Someone on these boards knew the victim.

[Johnny L.A.]

Someone on these boards knew the victim.

Ah. Here it is:

An old colleague of mine was voluntarily cannibalized and killed. TM friggin' I.

[Electronic Chaos]

What do cannibals call midgets?

Snacks.

[Peter Morris]

The chief Big chief looked out of the window of his hut, and saw his sons having a game of Cricket with the missionaries' sons. "Boys," he called "I've told you before. Don't play with your food"

==============


"They're eating my left and right ventricles " sobbed Tom half-heartedly.
"Now they're eating my hair" Tom bawled. "and it was styled by the Beatles' hairdresser" he added in Urdu.
"Now they're eating my eyes" Tom added without humour.
"Now the're eating my hands" he said disarmingly.

=================

The cannibal king sent away for a golden chair where he could sit on important tribal occasions. In between ceremonies the golden chair was stored in the attic of the King's grass hut. One day the ceiling collapsed and the chair fell through. It fell on the king, killing him instantly. Which goes to prove the old saying :

"people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones."

==================

"What would you like for lunch?"
"Oh, I have Catholic tastes"

[Dr. Rieux]

Originally Posted by Bryan Ekers

Ellen Barkin told this joke on Letterman's show some years back:
What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?
"Are you going to eat that?"

After Mike Tyson bit off part of Evander Holyfield's ear, people started telling the same joke about Tyson.

[norinew]

Originally posted by Peter Morris
The cannibal king sent away for a golden chair where he could sit on important tribal occasions. In between ceremonies the golden chair was stored in the attic of the King's grass hut. One day the ceiling collapsed and the chair fell through. It fell on the king, killing him instantly. Which goes to prove the old saying :

"people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones."

Hey! That's not a cannibal joke! It's just a plain old (and I do mean old!) joke in disguise! One more outburst like that, and I'll have the bailiff remove you from this thread!

[Knowed Out]

This one's really racist, so I'll put it in the spoiler box. Apologies in advance. You have been warned.

SPOILER:

Two cannibals see each other for the first time in years. The first cannibal asks the second "Hey, you're looking kind of skinny. You been getting enough to eat?"
The second cannibal says "Yeah, I eat a nigger every day."
First cannibal says "How do you kill it?"
Second cannibal says "I sneak up behind him and smack the shit out of him with my big stick."
First cannibal says "Well there ya go. When you smack the shit out of a nigger, all you got left is lips and tennis shoes."

[mbh]

Jeffrey Dahmer's parents came to visit. At dinner, his mother said, "I'm afraid I really don't like your neighbors."
"That's OK, Mom, just eat your vegetables."


At Dahmer's trial, the judge said the bail would cost him an arm and a leg. So he went to the refrigerator and got them.

[MovieMogul]

Originally Posted by Peter Morris

The chief Big chief looked out of the window of his hut, and saw his sons having a game of Cricket with the missionaries' sons. "Boys," he called "I've told you before. Don't play with your food"

In The Road to Zanzibar with Hope & Crosby, they've come upon a remote African village. As they wonder through the crowd, a young boy comes up and starts playing with Bob's pant leg. He is charmed, until the mother comes out from the crowd and reprimands the boy for playing with his dinner.

[Yomi Afro]

They say we are what we eat.
So in the next life, Americans will be chickens, Europeans will be pigs and human life will (once again) begin in Africa.

[Procrustus]

Did you hear about the cannibal who arrived late for the potluck?

They gave him the cold shoulder.

[not what you'd expect]

zombie

[twickster]

Originally Posted by not what you'd expect

zombie

No, not zombie -- cannibal.

Moved CS --> MPSIMS.

[breezman]

Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.

[Spiderman]

Originally Posted by twickster

No, not zombie -- cannibal.

Moved CS --> MPSIMS.

But isn't CS the correct forum for cuisine?



They're coming out with a sequel to the movie Alive about the Uruguayan rugby team stranded in the snow swept Andes are forced to use desperate measures to survive after a plane crash.

The working title is

SPOILER:

"Second Helpings"

[Count Blucher]

“Good morning,” said Hannibal, Greeting the cannibal.

“I’m Hannibal. How do you do?”

“At the moment you’re Hannibal," responded the cannibal,

“But soon we’ll be calling you Stew....”



-Credit Where Credit Is Due to The Amazing and Talented Bill Grossman

[rjk]

I had a heart valve replaced a while back. I tell people I chose a pig valve to keep off the Jewish cannibals.

[StGermain]

I miss norinew.

That's all.

StG