I Want SHORTS - With Knee Ventilation. That's All I Can Stand - I Cant SHANT No More!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

(A non-pit worthy shant rant. File under mundane blabbering).

Disclaimer: OK, I’ll be the first to admit the fact I’m far what could be described as a fashion plate - In fact, if I passed Donnatella Versace (or Donna Karan for that matter) on the street, I’d either get an eye-roll, a nose-in-the air attitude or a looks-that could-kill leer.

I’m not in the market for a position on the catwalk - I’m in the market for a Goddamn pair of shorts! You know: Shorts - those things worn (here in the northeast) during the Spring and Summer months.

I don’t want lederhosen. I don’t want knickers. I want a pair (or three) of shorts.

What’s my problem? I’ll tell you.

I define (or describe) shorts as an article of clothing worn at the waist that cover your ass and terminate somewhere in the mid-to-lower thigh area. (I’ll concede the point Webster© defines them as knee-length or less than knee-length trousers). I couldn’t find anything in the clothing stores yesterday could even be loosely defined as shorts - even by Webster’s more liberal (or would that be conservative?) definition.

Sure, I found rack after rack & bin after bin of less-than-slack-length pants that are worn at the waist and cover yer ass - but I’ll argue to the death with anyone from the softgoods industry who tries to tell me they’re shorts.

They Aren’t Shorts…They’re Shants! Some kind of an elongated, urban, shorts/pants hybrid. I don’t want to wear shants - Can’t somebody please sell me a pair of shorts?

I think shants look idiotic. Every year for the last half dozen that I can recall, the length of shorts keeps increasing. Fine, Sean Puffy Combs is a big shot in the fashion world. Great, Urban Outfitter’s sales are blowing the roof off the mother-sucker. But why does every other clothing manufacturer & designer on this entire planet insist I walk around looking like that moron in Offspring’s "Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)" video? All I want is a fucking pair of shorts that show more a little more than shin and enable me to keep cool in the summer. Give em to me baby - Is that asking too much?

When I got home from shopping last night, I tried to look at my no-shorts-available dilemma rationally. “I’ve never heard anyone else bitch about this,” I thought to myself, “perhaps there’s something wrong with me”. I even got out a ruler and measured the distance between my waist and the middle of my knee: 22 1/2" - I think that’s normal. Every pair of shants I tried on yesterday reached my knee. Not only did they look stupid on me - but they’ve gotta be only about a foot shorter than my regular Levi’s Jeans.
[ul]
[li]I don’t have an 18" long flaccid penis that requires additional hiding space - I want shorts![/li]
[li]I don’t want to make shorts out of my jeans with a pair of scissors, it’s too difficult to find my length pants as it is - I want shorts![/li]
[li]I’m not talking about a pair of Daisy Dukes (unless I need an ego boost on Fire Island) - I want shorts![/li]
[li]I just assume go naked than wear those spandex things the bicyclists wear - I want shorts![/li]
[li]I want to feel the cool breeze on my legs - I want shorts![/li]
[li]If I was 5’3" tall, I’d be tripping of those shants - I want shorts![/li]
[li]Screw world peace…to hell with economic, political and social problems - I want shorts![/ul][/li]
Can’t somebody make and sell shorts?!? AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

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I’ll wear ‘em as long as to the kneecap in the Spring when my legs are still as white as our china. But come Summer, I’m with ya’ bud.

Columbia has some great stuff out and, what with you living in the Pacific NW they should be readily available. I know Academy carries a plentiful supply.

3

Damn… trust my opinion, not my memory. You can get Columbia gear in the NE, right?

4

<slight hijack>

My problem is the opposite. I can’t find a pair of friggin slacks to save my life. Hello? Target? Not EVERY woman in the world wants to wear capris.

Argh.

</hijack>

5

Oh and…

Um. Isn’t it… “I’d just as soon go naked…”?

Or have I been butchering it my entire life?

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Where did you go shopping, John? The old stand-bys ought to have something in-store for you.

JC Penney (Sunrise Mall, Roosevelt Field, South Shore Mall)

Macy’s (Sunrise Mall, Broadway Mall, Roosevelt Field, Walt Whitman Mall, Green Acres Mall) (admittedly there are shants in this link, but there are plenty of other options)

But now I have a question - what’s up with the “chicken legs” on some of those shorts models? :confused:

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Eddie Bauer always has a nice line of shorts, and you can order from where you are sitting right now. Lands’ End does, too. (Yes, the apostrophe is in the wrong place, but that’s how they do it.) Lands’ End is now a subsidiary of Sears. Does that mean Lands’ End is a Sear? :slight_smile:

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Here’s a pair of Shorts from Patagonia my husband got recently. They’re actually shorts, and they look really good.

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Chickeny chicken legs, sheesh. Sunfish is right, those sites need good shorts models! My boyfriend, for example, looks great in shorts. But he’s not 6’4", so they wouldn’t want him, even though he’s got nice legs.

And it IS “I’d just as soon…”

And I don’t really have any useful info on where to get good shorts. So I guess I’ll just trail off pointlessly here, with an ellipsis…

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Northeast, Northwest - I guess it’s only relative when online shopping isn’t available. Thanks for the tip lieu. Now let me just whip out this here Mastercard, and get to work before the repressive dog days of summer are upon us.

I hear ya sister & can definitely TellYouYou’reNotCrazy, TellMeI’mNotCrazy. I bitched and moaned about my somewhat similar complaint here in the pit last time I was clothes shopping. I recommend you start a rant next time you get home from Target’. Call me a Johnny one-note, but it can be very therapeutic.

No it’s me, as confirmed by Jenaroph. Not only could my grammar be metaphorically described as a cleaver through raw meat - but if you heard me speak; odds are you’d compare it to an English teacher’s nails over a chalkboard.

Thank you for the links sunfish! Stupid me, I was shopping in Downtown Manhattan. I hate shopping malls actually, the temptation to Aunt Annie’s Sort Pretzels until I explode is part of the reason. I’m gonna take your advice and go this weekend. I’ll probably bring the kids so I don’t suffer alone. Even if I come up blank @ the department stores, I’ll get my weekly dose of people watching all wrapped up. I’m gonna steer clear of commenting on the chicken legs - It’s the ‘people in glass houses’ rule, I suppose.

Thanks for the recommendations. AskNott what your apparel retailer has in stock. Ask which retailer stocks things for you. There’s a Sears in the same mall my kids will be whining, “can we go home now” tomorrow.

I like those shorts Profane. By my estimation from the on screen image, the have about a 12" inseam…which is more than sufficient. :eek:

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fargin’ braggart

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Pssst, those Patagonia shorts have a 7" inseam.

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[fargin’ braggart] Well, back to the drawin’ board. [/fargin’ braggart]

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Testify

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Dear God. Great(?!?) minds think alike.

Good read! I guess I can take solace in someone else’s (similar) misery - especially given the fact this ‘flood/highwater’ problem is a Northeastern and Midwestern phenomenon.

I can honestly attest to the fact I don’t recall reading or seeing your original pit thread from last May. (I had been getting chewed out for squawking about Robert Fabiszak’s pension prior to you starting your thread - and - fuck-mouthing Roger Clemens probably right after it fell off the first page though). Only the most sadistic amongst us visit the pit daily; I mean how many Shrub-whacking threads can one read before it starts sounding repetitive?

Before I posted my ‘I want shorts’ rant, I even searched the board for the word ‘shants’ in hopes of dredging up someone else’s similar complaint. Had I instead used the search term ‘highwater’ – I can assure you my thoughts would have been Post #31 in your ‘What part of the “short” in shorts mystifies them? thread. In fact, you know what: it’s almost summer – I’m gonna “Testify” too (Rage Against the Machine style) and bump your thread up to the top rack of the BBQ pit.

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I’ve seen lots of regular length shorts in Target, for men. You have to be okay with having palm trees and hibicus flowers all over your bum, though.

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If you haven’t already, don’t. It’s over a year old and Mods frown upon bumping threads that old.

But thanks for the thought.

Oh, and the first time I heard these “long shorts” called “shants” I about spit. What a dumbass coinage.

18

Get thee to a store that sells running apparel!

Since you don’t care about fashion, this is the ultimate solution: running shorts come in a range of inseams, from “I’m really insecure” to “Gaze upon my chiseled legs as I run past you, bitch!”, and can be really short. The shorts I use have about a 2.5" inseam. Short enough? Judging by the occaisonal “nice ass!” shouted from a pizza-faced teenage boy cruising in his friend’s mom’s Honda after school lets out, they must be quite a bit shorter then what people are used to (fortunately, this isn’t a problem this time a year now that it’s hot and I run in the early AM). Best of all, they breath extremely well! It’ll be like your genitalia are floating on a nylon cloud!

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Ahh, it all becomes clear now. I gave up any thought of finding regular (i.e., non-business) clothes in Manhattan a long time ago, when I found that the mall around the corner from where I worked (on 32nd between 7th and B’way) was full of specialty shops aimed at tourists. :rolleyes:

This is actually a good weekend to be out shopping (no holiday madness). I usually go very early or later in the day, because I really dislike having to weave my way through the masses. Re the pretzels, just remember: you don’t want to have to go shopping AGAIN later because your waist size has changed… :smiley:

One of my grad school classmates had an advisor (a former Marine) who liked to wear those short shorts for fieldwork, prompting my (not-so-in-shape) classmate to mutter bitterly about said advisor showing off his “tight little Marine ass.” :smiley:

20

Last year I was in the market for some shorts, and I had a gift card to Old Navy (an establishment I had never previously visited) that an aunt had given me.

I spent hours trying to find something respectable. This included a short trip over to the Target next door. I wouldn’t have worn anything from the women’s department unless I were auditioning for a role in The Dukes of Hazard. Meanwhile, the stuff being marketed towards guys contained nearly enough fabric for a whole suit. I finally managed to find a pair of casual cotton shorts that reveal the knee while still providing enough coverage to make a bikini wax optional, but it wasn’t easy.