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#1
07-08-2004, 11:45 AM
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Things you shouldn't do at your wife's family reunion
Do not:
1. Punch the largest person in the face, and then proclaim yourself “the alpha-male." 2. Start a cock-fight. Not with birds, either. 3. Fall over and play dead whenever a conversation becomes too boring. 4. Offer to show the group how you can pop open a beer bottle with your butt cheeks. 5. Refer to your children as “fuck trophies.” Feel free to add some more. 
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#2
07-08-2004, 12:25 PM
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6. Hit on her cousin. Double if it's a male.
7. Act surprised at meeting her grandmother. Say you're surprised that she's still alive. 8. Spontaniously break-out in a "I'm better than you" song.
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#3
07-08-2004, 12:35 PM
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6. Hit on her cousin. Double if it's a male.
7. Act surprised at meeting her grandmother. Say you're surprised that she's still alive. 8. Spontaniously break-out in a "I'm better than you" song.
__________________
"Like turning his/her hands into talons & ripping your scrotum off, then leavinng you to die in the gutter?"-Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor "You know, if this isn't a risk you're willing to take every once in a while... well, I just don't know how you call that 'living".-Dangerous Nan McGrew
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#4
07-08-2004, 12:39 PM
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On one hand, I am pissed at myself for the double post. On the other, I'm proud at my level of patheticy (Yes that's a word. Okay, no, but you know what I mean) at having a double post ten minutes apart.
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#5
07-08-2004, 12:50 PM
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My very first thought was...
Ask for a divorce. The second was... Hit on her father.
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#6
07-08-2004, 12:51 PM
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9. Pry for juicy details of her pre-married life.
10. Especially not by offering juicy details of her married life in exchange. 11. Eat or drink anything out of anyone's body parts or clothing.
__________________
Nametag is my hero - chorpler Let Nametag henceforth be known as the subjunctive king! - trupa
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#7
07-08-2004, 01:13 PM
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12. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
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#8
07-08-2004, 01:16 PM
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Take an informal poll of how many cousins felt her up in the garage during reunions when they were teens.
Take an informal poll of how many cousins felt her up in the garage during this reunion.
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#9
07-08-2004, 01:21 PM
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"Nice to finally meet you, sir! Your granddaughter is quite the squirter!"
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#13
07-08-2004, 04:58 PM
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While you have her grandmother, parents, and preferably brothers, tell about that one time you and her were in this threesome when the cops busted the place for you illegal brewery and meth lab. And while laughing, explain how, in order for the police not to find the heroin, you had your wife hide it up her rectum.
Oh, and you can't forget to tell about that time your wife caught you having sex with a 17 year old boy after she excaped from being tied up in the basement. See, the family would be so happy to see you have such a good sense of humour. At every moment, turn every conversation into a political discussion, where, before long, you call the family member a card-carrying commie who masterbates to pictures of Osama Bin Laden. Then compare either Bush or Clinton to Hitler.
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#14
07-08-2004, 05:35 PM
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23. Ask her adorable 10-year old nephew to come into the bedroom with you so you can show him something really neat.
24. Casually mention that since she started getting waxed, it really shows off her tattoo. 25. After her parents show on the home movies of when they were at the beach when she was seven, offer to show the video of your wedding night.
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#15
07-08-2004, 05:40 PM
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Quote:
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#16
07-08-2004, 05:45 PM
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27. Offer to present a pyrotechnic display, armed with a can of beans and a lighter.
28. Each time you feel the urge to defecate, do not announce that you have to “pinch off a loaf/drop a log/have to shit like a motherfucker.” Simply saying that you are going to “take a dump” is fine.
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#17
07-08-2004, 05:50 PM
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29. Dress in drag.
30. Ask your wife for a divorce. In front of her parents. 31. Casually reference how many things you learned that night you spent in prison after being taken in for drunk and disorderly was...
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#18
07-08-2004, 05:55 PM
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32. Bring the girlfriend.
33. Bring the boyfriend
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#19
07-08-2004, 07:30 PM
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34: Grab the mail when it arrives and get all giddy when there's a Netflix envelope in the pile.
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#23
07-08-2004, 08:07 PM
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39. Jump up on the dinner table, whip it out, and yell, "I'm masturbating like a motherf**ker!" Who's with me?
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#25
07-08-2004, 08:17 PM
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This really happened, but it was a guy my wife dated before we had met...
Recite the following to her very conservative/fundamentalist family: "What's white and creamy and falls from the sky? The Coming of the Lord."
__________________
"An angel satyr walks these hills." - from the diary of Rev. Francis Kilvert
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#26
07-08-2004, 09:06 PM
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Real life adventure: Tell your staunchly Methodist mother-in-law the really hilarious juke about why Methodists don't engage in copulation in an upright position. This will result in three days of cold silence from mama-in-law, big trouble for father-in-law who made the mistake of laughing, and no loving for your truly for an unfortunately long time.
Punch line: they are afraid someone will see them and think they’re dancing.
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#27
07-08-2004, 09:22 PM
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Obviously, “joke” not “juke.”
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#30
07-08-2004, 09:30 PM
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Ummm, Methodists are allowed to dance, in case you didn't know. Maybe you were thinking of the Baptists. No wonder they were mad at you.
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#32
07-09-2004, 11:59 AM
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Write something rude on the front lawn using a heavy stream of salt right out of the box as the ink.
Spell check carefully. This is permanent!
__________________
"The journey of life is long bring a good book and a snack"
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#33
07-09-2004, 12:14 PM
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Feel up all the adult male relatives and say mine's bigger.
Feel up all the minor male relatives and say mine's bigger. Offer grandma a toke. Ask your MIL if she used vodka in her Jell-O mold. Brag on how you and your wife make extra money starring in MMF porn videos.
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#34
07-09-2004, 12:33 PM
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Tell Italian jokes.
Go for a "long walk" with her cousins after telling italian jokes.
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#35
07-09-2004, 01:07 PM
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Quote:
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#38
07-09-2004, 02:36 PM
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Spike the punch with any or all of the following:
LSD Cockroaches Ipecac Iocaine powder
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#39
07-09-2004, 02:45 PM
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Mention the hilarious game you play with your wife, where you make up some wild story about something that could only happen to a drunken, brain-dead lowlife, and she tells you which of her relations it actually happened to.
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#40
07-09-2004, 03:18 PM
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Sing this song from when you walk into the door, to when you are forced to leave: I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how is goes: I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how is goes: I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how is goes: I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how is goes: I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how is goes: I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how is goes: I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how is goes:
And repeat until you can leave.
__________________
Morons hate it when you call them morons. Come to the Dark Side. We have cookies.
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#41
07-09-2004, 08:30 PM
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Quote:
 
__________________
"An angel satyr walks these hills." - from the diary of Rev. Francis Kilvert
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#42
07-10-2004, 01:51 PM
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"Wow, honey, I never believed all those stories you told me about your family were true before today."
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#43
07-10-2004, 10:22 PM
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Quote:
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#45
07-11-2004, 07:11 PM
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Quote:
umm... nevermind...
__________________
"An angel satyr walks these hills." - from the diary of Rev. Francis Kilvert
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#47
07-12-2004, 07:29 AM
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Do the Food Bit: Refuse to eat most of it, criticize it for being unhealthy/dead animals/non-Atkings/milk. etc. Criticize the people who eat it, telling them "I almost married someone else, but they actually drank sugared soda." Do this ad nauseum, all day.
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#48
07-12-2004, 08:34 AM
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Quote:
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#49
07-12-2004, 09:22 AM
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Offer a cash prize to the winner of the circle jerk.
Mace the first person you catch looking at your wife, male or female. Keep referring to your wife as the place holder for your girlfriend. When being introduced to the female relatives, keep asking "Is this the one that gives free hand jobs?" Ditto the males, come to think of it. Pull her mother aside and confess that you only married the daughter to be closer to the mother. Bring flowers. Offer to show people your condom collection, even though your collection consists of one condom, which you're wearing. Tell everyone you're "going commando" and ask if they want to see.
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