As a direct result of a recent mid-life crisis I have decided to retrain as a ventriloquist.
To this end I ordered, and have received by parcel post, a 30" tall upgraded ventriloquist’s dummy with straight blonde hair, hard hollow body, moving head, trigger action mouth, ball & socket neck, eyelashes and handmade bra & knickers.
The dummy’s name is Ethel.
I am currently wading through an instruction booklet called Seven Simple Steps to Ventriloquism prior to taking Ethel to my local pub where, all being well, she will order the first round of drinks. However, there is an issue regarding Ethel’s breasts which I wish to resolve before I launch her on an unsuspecting public.
Without actually measuring them with great accuracy, experience tells me that Ethel’s mammaries are size 19DD. I consider this on the large side for a 30" dummy but what do I know. Anyway, the problem is not one of proportion. It is that Ethel’s left breast is significantly less shiny than her right breast (probably due to a manufacturing error) such that it is practically a matt finish in comparison to its glossy counterpart. Although ventriloquially irrelevant, clearly this is a situation which cannot be allowed to continue.
I have tried polishing the offending breast with a variety of proprietary liquids, including Pledge furniture polish and Orange-Glo wood cleaner, but to no avail. As a last resort I intend to remove the breast surface with a fine sandpaper and reapply woodstain to the bare wood.
In the vain hope that I have missed a beat here, and before I embark upon such a drastic solution, I would be pleased to hear from anyone with experience of buffing up a pair of 19DD wooden breasts to a satisfactory standard.
All these years lurking among us like a viper. The true depths of your perversity hidden like an underground sewer of corruption now spilling forth into the day.
I have had the chance to inspect many pairs of breasts. Some belonged to intelligent women, some to real dummies. Anyway, I have noticed that never are left and right identical. Any chance the manufacturer is trying to mimic this?
If the wood already has a good coat of varnish or laquer on it and is just dull as a surface effect (not due to insufficient coating), you may experience success with cutting compound of the kind used to polish scratches out of car paint and restore shine.
I think this must be the most bizarre genuinely-asked question I have ever seen here! (I hope Chicane’s mid-life crisis did not start when someone found him rubbing Pledge into a ventriloquist’s tit with a look of frustrated annoyance on his face.)
Noooo… sorry, Sentient, but although the mind boggles, it boggles slightly less at the first scenario. I mean, the only question there is “Why pledge?” q;}
The answer is no, she doesn’t. Her nipples feature vertical slots, to which I have just applied a screwdriver to see what would happen. What happened was that I was able to remove both breasts from the torso with a minimum of effort.
Since Ethel’s body (minus her left breast) is totally glossy, I have decided to return the breasts to the retailer and hang on to the rest of her. My edict to said retailer will demand that he supplies me with a pair of identical glossy breasts as per the correct right one, which I am sending purely as an example of the quality I require.
Employing this approach will enable me to continue my retraining as a ventriloquist while I wait on tenterhooks for the delivery of a pair of acceptable breasts. Naturally Ethel will have to remain indoors until the problem is resolved.
Incidentally, I cannot clothe Ethel right now because I have yet to persuade Mrs. Chicane that making dresses for a wooden dummy will constitute good use of her valuable time.
Meanwhile, thank you for all responses, both jocular and technical. I am now sitting here wondering what to write on the parcel where it says Description of Contents.
