I know most of you don’t know me, because I lurk much more than I post, but I just need to vent to a group that doesn’t know me and see what some non-partisan people think.
My husband had a one-night stand at the beginning of September that spun out of control. He was so ashamed of what he did he said he could never face me again and asked for a divorce. Two weeks after he left me he moved into the other woman’s apartment. He claims he figured he had to go with this new life he chose and just deal with it. In mid-October he claims he came to his senses and wants to reconcile. He moved out of her apartment and in with his brother and has been “courting” me ever since. We’ve been married for 8 years and have a 3 year old, so I though we should give it a go to work it out. I had a lot of anger and hurt, but I believe in our wedding vows.
As of last Wednesday, we were on track to get back together. We were both happier and our child’s emotional state was improving. Then on Thursday the other woman calls to say she is pregnant. Everything has now changed. I had already considered this possibility, because I figured a woman who would intentionally go after a married man would have no issues with getting pregnant on purpose. (yes, she knew he was married and living with his wife.) I told my husband he should move home with me, we would share custody of this new child and try to form some kind of family. It is NOT this new child’s fault all these mistakes have been made and we need to do what is best for us.
My husband, who told me all along he never loved the other woman and has only loved me, informed me last night he needs a few days to decide what he is going to do. Specifically, he needs to decide if he is staying with me or going with her. He defended her to me and said the pregnancy is one big accident and she is so upset and he needs to do the right thing.
Here comes the pit part - Fuck her and her feelings! She gave no thought to my feelings or the feelings of my child who cried herself to sleep not understanding where her Daddy is. Yes, my husband is also a big old jackass for stringing me along, and I am supposed to wait until he chooses between us! I am in competition with his mistress! Screw that! I am devastated that my family may now be destroyed and I would love to work things out, but why does he get all the power and how did I get to be the bad guy pressuring him amd she is the victim?
Sorry this was so long. I post from work, so I will check in regularly. I would just like to hear if I’m crazy for just wanting to tell him to go fuck himself (and her), call my lawyer, and take him for everything he has and will ever have.
Personally, I’d be the one dragging him to court. No more of this wishy-washy, haven’t-made-up-my-mind shit. He’s put you through enough grief already.
If he has to think about which to chose, then there are serious problems.
Consider–the claim may be false.
She might just be trying to play on your husband’s feelings to lure him back.
Send her a very politely-worded note, offering to adopt & raise the child if her “financial circumstances make it impossible” to raise by herself.
As her jaw drops to the floor, you should be able to hear the quite audible “plop”.
I’ve never been in your situation, so I can’t imagine what it’s like. I’m so sorry that your husband did this to you.
As a single woman with no kids, I have to think you should give the guy the boot. It might make some sense that he has to work out what the right thing to do is in regard to the baby-to-be, if you didn’thave one of your own. He’s not doing the right thing by leaving your family to go to this other woman.
Are you financially able to make a go of single life? If so, just boot the guy.
A couple more things to consider: If your husband was using protection, the chance of his mistress getting pregnant so quickly is really low. She might be lying to get him back. If he wasn’t using protection, I urge you to go to the doctor and get yourself tested for STDs. If you do have one that goes undiagnosed, it could do some serious damage.
Helen, I’m bad at the advice, but I wanted to pop in and offer my support. You are going through a rough time, but remember that it can and will get better.
You’re not crazy. You are right to put yourself and your child’s well-being first. I don’t blame you for not wanting to be a doormat. This is how he’s treating you. Follow your instincts. Please find some familial support to help you get through this. You need someone close to you right now.
I thought of the same thing. I said I wanted to see a positive pregnancy result from a doctor (no EPT test) and eventually, a paternaty test. He has yet to ask for either.
I am just waiting for the convenient “miscarriage” in 2 months after he has gone back to her.
I’ve been in a similar boat, only minus the pregnancy (and honestly, I don’t know if I’d be as coherent you if that had happened) and this is just my honest opinion - warning, if you aren’t looking for honest opinions, please don’t read on:
If he decides to stay with you and your son, and this woman really is pregnant, she is going to be a part of your lives forever. Forever. And ever. And whatever thing drew him to her in the first place will still be there. He won’t have to deal with her every day the way he would if he decided to be with her, so she will still hold all that mystique and charm, and represent to him the magical, mythical life he thinks he wants. She will have her own little trump card to make him come running whenever she wants. You will be powerless to do anything but sit by, wringing your hands, waiting for him to come home, trying desperately not to wonder whether they’re going over Junior(ette)'s report card, or something else. It wasn’t a one-night stand if he ended up moving in with her however briefly. That may be what he told you, and it may be what he’s telling himself, but I can just about guarantee that it’s not what he’s telling her. I’d lay good money on the odds that he’s told her that he would be with her were it not for your son - “I can’t stand what I see him going through with this.” If he’s debating now whether or not he needs to be with her - by his words a one-night stand that should mean absolutely nothing to him emotionally - or with you, his wife and mother of his 8 year old son (to whom he already has an obligation!) - then I predict nothing but heartache for you and your son if you stay with him.
And a message to the asshole from me: If you leave for this other woman and her child, the message you’ll be sending to your son, whether intentional or true, will be that you picked the baby over him. He’s 8 years old, and will not understand.
On the financial front - we just bought a new house this past January. I am hoping that with child support we could still swing it. I’d hate to uproot my child again after all this.
I hired a lawyer in September when this all started. She came highly recommended from people involved in children’s issues, and I have been impressed with her so far. I have a domestic relations court hearing in a couple weeks to decide temporary support. It is all just so overwhelming. and I just want my life back.
Side note - Hi MsRobyn from the land of chocolate.
The bottom line is that this guy has shown himself to be dishonest, self-centered, and unreliable. He made a commitment to you, perhaps the most significant two people can make, and now he can’t make up his mind whether to honor it? Show him the door. Get child support now while he only has one child. Move on beyond this pitiful loser. Good Luck!
Look, there’s nothing unusual about trouble in a marriage. People disappoint one another, they develop feelings for strangers, they struggle to grow up into adult roles. Okay. What matters are the actions. He chose to betray you and your child. And then paid you for your forgiving by making it clear this other woman is more important than you are.
Nope.
You’ll never be happy with him again, not after this.
Do you know for certain that the baby belongs to your husband? I’d be curious to know if she was sleeping with anyone else. A woman who sleeps with a married man can not be trusted.
This is exactly what I told him. Our child is only 3, but when she gets older she ill always think Daddy didn’t love her enough. I will have to constantly convince her that isn’t true, while trying not to let her see my hurt from her father. I can’t paint him as an asshole to her (no matter how much of one he is) because that isn’t fair either.
The thing is, I think her allure was that she was freedom. No ties, no responsibilities, no hold over him. She waitresses at a bar in the evening, so she is going to have to quit her job eventually, or he will be home by himself taking care of a baby. Good luck with that!
In case you were thinking of keeping him cause the child(children?) need him, it would e the worst thing.
Daddys back!
Okay, he’s gone again. And so on would the horrible for the child.
Also, the woman is probably not (maybe not) pregnant, or its not his, but even so, he wants it both ways. Do not accept him back.
Good luck too, you can make it!