Background info:
I went through a shitty divorce which seriously shook my belief in marriage. I stayed married much longer than I should have because in my head, divorce was a failure…and I hate to fail at anything. After much pushing and prodding by my friends and family I finally filed for divorce and have since realized it was definitely the best thing to do.
Fast forward to now:
I have been dating my boyfriend for about 3 years now. Roughly a year ago, he proposed to me, and I said no. After going through what I did before, I had no desire to try it out again. We already lived together, and pretty much acted like we were married, I just didn’t want to make it official.
This weekend, we found out that I’m pregnant. After we get past the initial excitement, he makes a comment that now we’ll HAVE TO get married. Eh…I don’t think so. It’s not that I don’t love him; I can see myself being with him for a very long time. I just don’t feel the need to go ahead and get married. So of course, we have a discussion about this and I feel really bad because I know his feelings are hurt. He knows my feelings are because of what happened in the past, and I feel guilty because it’s like I’m punishing him for my divorce.
So what can I say or do? I don’t want this issue to turn into the elephant in the room. This should be an exciting time for us, not stressful! Please share your opinions/advice and I’ll try not to get upset if the responses are mean.
(No promises though…one of my biggest pregnancy symptoms have been crazy raging emotions!!)
You’re not punishing him. Basing ongoing life choices on past experiences is what people do. That said, do make sure you talk it through completely with him.
I am also (extremely happily) divorced and I don’t want to add much fuel to the fire although you will probably hear it more from the opposite direction so I will share. As you have found, marriage is a caustic legal and social dinosaur that has nothing to do with love or any particular person’s happiness. It is meant to tie people together until they give up and succumb to what they have committed themselves to legally for the so-called betterment of an abstract and nonexistent society or to die in some way trying.
There is no concrete reason for you to get married if you are opposed to the idea. There is no little to no potential benefit to you and a huge downside if things don’t work out. I gave the same advice to my favorite female first-cousin who is debating the same thing about the father of their daughter a few weeks ago. You have to make this decision on your own but you are far from alone in this reluctance because it is almost all downside for these types of circumstances. You can stay together or not as long as both of you choose to and he has to support your child financially no matter what. If things don’t work out, you can work out custody and other arrangements on your own without the state and lawyers being involved.
I’m in the process of separating, heading for Divorce in time.
Your thoughts and feelings are wholly legitimate. But I agree with posters above who’ve suggested counselling - both joint and on your own. Talk through your feelings and cement them either way. Yes a child will change the playing field, but there’s plenty of successful families where mom and dad aren’t married, but the family operates well as a unit regardless.
Your boyfriend wants to get married and you don’t. At that point you should’ve called it quits. You were heading in two different directions. Now you add a baby into it?
And you are also under the false belief that just because something bad happens to you, it will have to repeat itself. How do you know it won’t be better the second time around?
If he wants to be married and you don’t all that’s gonna happen is you’re gonna be a single mother. Sure as shooting he’ll find someone else in time who wants to be married.
The only real thing to do is get a lawyer and make sure the support payments are coming and you’re going to be comfortable being a single mom. And if you think dating is tough, wait till you’re a single mom trying to get a date.
I’m not trying to force the OP into marriage. If you don’t want to be married the worst thing you can do is force it.
But it shows when two people want different things is life, you need to address the issue at the time not before another issue gets added to the fire.
You’re not punishing him for your divorce, you’re hurting yourself. Just because something bad happened to you yesterday, doesn’t mean something good can’t happen today.
This won’t be the first child born out of wedlock and it won’t be the last. Just make sure you’re thinking about support for this kid, you’ll need it. And if this guy wants to be married, someone else will accommodate him and once you have a kid with someone, you’ll be connected with him forever. Even if you get married to someone else.
I’m sorry to sound so harsh, but this is a lesson for everyone, make your own choices and because if you stall around, they’ll be made for you.
If you already act married and he’s afraid of how it would look to have a child out of wedlock, a compromise might be to have a non legally binding marriage ceremony for your family and friends. You don’t have to become legally and financially entangled to show the world that you care about each other and plan to stay together.
I’ll add my voice to the chorus of calls for counseling. You both have legitimate feelings about marriage. But you need to try to get on the same page.
And whether or not you ultimately decide to get married, it would probably be a good idea for you to deal with the baggage you’re carrying from your first marriage. Being aware of what you went through before is not the same thing as letting your past experiences handcuff you.
I like the idea of a compromise, like a vows ceremony - something that gay couple used to have to do. Does Vermont still have civil unions? Can dual gendered couples get civil unions?
But if you don’t want to get married because your afraid of a messy divorce (even though you’re quite sure you will stay together), I must point out that the child will make a separation stressful and messy, even without a marriage.
Out of wedlock?
Will she rue the day she bore this child out of wedlock, proving that she is no better than she should be?
You’re OK with making a kid with this guy, but you aren’t sure you trust him enough to marry him or be tied to him?
Assuming he wishes to engage the role of being a father it is likely that, to some extent, you are are going to be joined at the hip with this man for the next 18 years or so with respect to raising this new human being. Being married, if you respect your marriage vows, means that you are strongly committed to each other and will not just pick up your marbles and walk out at the first serious arguments.
Right now, he is smitten with you, and enthralled by the notion of being a father. You seem very confident that his ardent affection and dedication to you will be the state of affairs for some time to come. Let me assure you it may not. One of the practical rules of life is that of people have options they often take them. The affections of men can change much more easily if they are not buttressed by social commitments. In fact, at this point he’s dealing with serial rejection by you. This will affect his attitudes toward you, and his enthusiasm and about you as a long term SO and this pregnancy may slowly wane, although he would not be likely to tell you so at this delicate point.
If he is not married to you, and some other woman comes into his life, and he sees everything in her he sees in you, plus she wants to marry him, the likelihood he may go with her vs stay with you is far higher if he feels he has a relatively easy option to quit the relationship. He pays CS and moves on. No lawyers and no paperwork. Now the kid has effectively no dad, and you are a single mother.
If you are so inclined you could certainly be a single mom, and raise the kid by yourself, but unless you are wealthy that’s usually a pretty huge burden. In certain dysfunctional couple scenarios it may be preferable to have a single parent, but by and large, assuming he is not abusive or nuts, having two committed parents is a vastly preferable way to raise a child socially and economically.
The father will never feel fully connected with you or the child without marriage. He will never feel fully equal to you in parental rights for that child. Being a baby daddy might be fine for some men. May I suggest you are lucky that he wants to be more than that ?
Eh, I don’t actually see why marriage matters at all with a kid on the way. That is essentially a massive and irrevocable legal tie between you and him for 18+ years.
If things don’t work out between you he will still be a part of your life if he wants joint custody or visitation, and no court in America would deny anyone but the worst of fathers some visitation agreement (and without knowing all the details, he could even end up the primary caregiver of the child and thus have primary custody, he could be the one getting child support payments from you.)
As someone over 50 who has never been married I definitely understand the reasons not to get married. But having a kid on the way basically means you and him both are fucked 10 ways til Sunday if you split up regardless, so if a legal agreement would make him happier and make it more likely you have a lasting relationship I don’t really see why you wouldn’t do it.
I would just like to point out that marriage is much more than a legal agreement. It is a means also to publicly express a desire for lifelong commitment and receive the same in return. There’s a certain comfort in that, especially when one considers the daily investment and sacrifice thats required to share a life.
Wow, I’m surprised at the negative comments. I don’t think a baby is a reason to get married if you weren’t already planning to. In fact, it’s one of the worst reasons in and of itself.
If you love this man and are thrilled to be carrying his child, tell him all of that and let him know you don’t want to get married just because of pregnancy. If he ultimately decides he needs to be married to be happy, then that’s his choice. But don’t let that possibility put pressure on you.
You’ll be fine either way. Congratulations on your pregnancy!
It sounds like you and your boyfriend have serious trust issues. In addition to counseling, I suggest you see a doctor and get a maternity test. Are you sure you’re the mother?
Surprised? The comments are negative because the OP appears to be looking at making a baby and the huge amount of commitment and work that entails as a kind of an “it’ll take care of itself” afterthought, which pales in comparison to the concerns she has about the big, bad dragon of marriage to a man who has spent 3 years living with her, and has repeatedly expressed his desire to commit himself to her.
The OP does not seem to grasp in any way,shape, or form, that her continual dithering and indecision about this issue, or alternatively if she ultimately decides “no marriage”, could wind up alienating her SO to the point he leaves her. While he is likely to make sympathetic noises at this delicate point, being pushed back twice or more tends to focus a man’s mind on wondering if pursuing this relationship is really the best course of action for him and what his options are. I will guarantee you that those are the private thoughts in his head right now even if he will not express them to her.
For me, marriage isn’t a change in status, it’s a public announcement of a change that has already taken place. Divorce is the same.
Being married to someone means they are your nuclear family. Not being married to someone means that they are not. If you are in the hospital, do you want this man or your mom to decide what to do? If you are torn between two people’s needs–your sister or this man–who will you prioritize? If you died tomorrow, who would you want to get your stuff? If he was in the hospital, would you consider it your right to call the shots, or like it wasn’t your place? If you got a job offer in a city far away, would you make your decision and then try to figure out if he was coming with you or not, or would his reaction be one of the things that determined if you took the job?
The answers to these questions and ones like them should tell you if you think of him as your family. There are not right or wrong answers to these questions. A relationship isn’t more legitimate or real because it’s a marriage. It’s just different. I’ve known people that I loved very much, but they weren’t family. I loved my now-husband very much and for a long time before he really turned into family.
If you already think of him as your primary family, then a wedding won’t change that, it’s just a nice way of telling everyone else that’s he’s your priority now, not them. It’s a nice way of telling your mom that from now on, she can’t move in with you unless he buys into the idea, of telling your BFF that you can’t be expected to keep secrets from him, of telling your brother that it’s no longer his perogative to be the first one to leap to your defense. The marriage just announces this change–the change already happened.
Your divorce was the same thing. It just told the world what had likely been true for a long time: he wasn’t your family anymore. That’s not a failure because it’s not even something you can control.
So my advice would be to figure out if you already are married to this man. If you are, go ahead and formalize it, even if you don’t see the point, as a gift to him. If you are not, though, don’t. Pretending to be married when you aren’t is a recipe for disaster.
Have you discussed with each other what legal assurances marriage offers automatically that you could pursue in other ways? As Manda Jo calls out in her second paragraph, there are a lot of entitlements that come with marriage that don’t come with living together. Have you made any arrangements for medical decisions and property?
Counseling probably is a good idea. You hit dealbreaker status two years ago but carried on as if you hadn’t.
