Out of the clear blue my dear friend Christine proposed to me over the weekend. I’ve known her for over 10 years. We met back when I was fresh out of law school and she was waiting tables at my favorite dive bar in Cleveland while she was going to college. She’s a gorgeous heterosexual SBF, and I’m a heterosexual SWM. While we always flirted heavily and became friends, we both were always seeing other people. She graduated and moved several states east, went to law school and passed the bar. We’ve kept in touch, made several road trips to visit each other and have had several booty calls (the most recent of which was 3 years ago in Pittsburgh, salute) but nothing beyond that. She’s been engaged to two guys over the years but has broken it off both times, and had at least two affairs with a married men that I know of. I’m no saint either, of course, the details of which are too extensive and embarrassing to go into here. (Suffice to say that in the words of Xander Harris, “My Valentines are usually greeted with heartfelt restraining orders.”) Over this past weekend Christine called and left the following message on my voicemail, “Zamboniracer my dear, you know I’ve always loved you and now I need a big favor from you. I need you to temporarily marry me. We can get married in Vegas and have it annulled later. Call me as soon as you get this message. I love you. I’m serious.” When I called her back she said that she just found out she’s pregnant with a married man’s child and she doesn’t want her baby to be born with the stigma of having been born out of wedlock so would I marry her temporarily in Vegas, with all expenses on her, with a pre-nup in place and with the understanding that we’d annul it in a couple of months.
I’m too flabbergasted to reply to her at the moment. Any and all cogent thoughts would be appreciated.
It’s a personal decision, but it sounds like you two don’t take marriage too seriously anyway. Why not? For the kid? Just don’t win the lottery while you’re married. Mark it down as a life experience.
Don’t do it. She’s not thinking straight. Under the circumstances, being born out of wedlock will make no material difference in her or her baby’s lives at all. She needs to work this out with the father. You can offer her sympathy and support, but otherwise, stay out of it. She has about 18 years of responsibility to this child ahead of her and she needs to start examining her priorities right now. If she can’t see that a sham marriage to you would be completely meaningless in terms of caring for her coming child, she needs to sit it a dark room until it clicks.
Moreover, wouldn’t your marriage to her give the pregnancy the appearance of being caused by you? (I mean, isn’t that the whole point?)
If so, couldn’t there be potential child-support issues down the line, your friendship notwithstanding? Don’t underestimate the chances that a) she could come knocking for more support even if the marriage is annulled, and b) that the law would side with her even if you do DNA tests to show it’s not yours. These things have happened.
I entered into a sham marriage (so my ex’s lover could get his green card), and it was the best two years of my life. HOWEVER, after the green card was granted, I ended up with nothing.
Who is she planning to name as the father on the birth certificate? I believe it is still true that a woman’s husband is assumed to be the father of any child she bears. I would really, really, really think this over before I went for it. I can foresee a lot of complications.
At least make sure that being married to her won’t make you responsible for child support in the eyes of the law before you do.
But mostly, based on your description of her actions, I’m not sure I’d trust her to follow through and annull this marriage in a few months, and I’d be concerned about whether becoming more entangled with her would mess up your future potential relationships with others (despite your history which might already make you undesirable for relationships with some people).
I am thinking of the child here–you are not his father, but you were married to his mother for awhile and you two are still friends. It’s confusing–it sounds like a Jerry Springer show.
WHY does she need a husband to ahve a baby? Lots of women have them without–the merits of this can be argued in another thread (I dont’ think it’s ideal, but sometimes it’s for the better).
I think that’s correct. I live in Ohio and the husband is presumed to be the father to any child born of the wife during the marriage. The presumption can be defeated in a lawsuit for parentage or divorce on the grounds of infidelity with a negative DNA test.
I gotta ask: what stigma? Have the '50s been hanging around in places of which I’m not aware? Is being born out of wedlock a concern anymore?
Another vote for not doing it. Help her out as much as possible as a friend, but don’t sign your name to any documents that might even suggest you’re liable for the child’s financial needs. (Unless, of course, you do want to take the chance that you’d be responsible.)
In the past I’ve thought about proposing to her and the answer was not to do it based on her track record of infidelity. She’s cheated with the husbands of others’, so odds are she’d cheat on me.
Tell your friend that it’s no longer the 1950s, and nobody gives a shit if your parents were married when you were born any more. Then turn 180 degrees and run for your fucking life, because this woman is bad news waiting to happen.
This all sounds way, way too fishy. Stigma? The math will be done, and nothing will add up. Hmm. Mom is pregnant. Gets married. Eight months later child is born (if she knows she’s pregnant now, by the time the whole marriage thing goes through, she’ll already be a month or so along, right?). Shortly after, there is an annulment. How is this any better than being born out of wedlock, if she’s so concerned about it?
Meanwhile, gay couples who’ve been together for 50 years or more are turned away at the courthouse steps.
By all means, marry the woman. Show up the institution of hetero-exclusive marriage for the bullshit that it is. Be sure to send properly annotated copies of your announcement to all the radical right “pro-marriage” groups you can find so they know exactly what they’re fighting for.
This sounds seriously goofy. I don’t understand who this sham marriage is for; is it for the baby? The one who won’t know its father anyway? Is it for her friends and family? What kind of friends and family would like to see her marry some guy for two months who isn’t even the father? Is she gonna lie about that? Is it for her job? What sort of job does she have that having a husband would affect it more than having a baby?
I just don’t understand who this marriage is for. If she doesn’t want the “stigma” of having a kid out of wedlock, the only reasonable candidate for that job is the guy who knocked her up. Since he’s married, that’s out of the question, but I don’t see where you would come in handy. Surely she isn’t going to tell the kid that you were the father. And if it isn’t for the kid, who is it for? And how will she explain it all to the kid later?
Not to mention that having a kid out of wedlock isn’t that much of a stigma anymore, surely? It happens all the time. It’s not like she’s a teenager. She’s a grown woman; surely she can handle any repercussions with dignity, on her own.
Pats self up and down. Checks inside shoes. Shakes out shirt.
Nope, no stigma here, and illegitimate babies were a lot less common in the 70s!
Tell her to grow a pair (metaphorically speaking, of course) and deal with her problems honestly. In the long term, the fall out will be much easier to deal with.
