Surprise proposal: what do I do now?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My boyfriend just proposed to me. I told him I would have to sleep on it. This is a lifestyle change that I assumed might happen someday… …really…far…off…in…the…future. Now that he’s asked, it feels as though I am sleepwalking in someone else’s life, numb and bewildered.

Here are some details:

I love my boyfriend. He’s a generally nice guy. He has kind of a messed up past (addiction/anger issues) that he has been very open about. I have never seen any of these behaviors and I’ve known him for several years. He’s worked very hard to overcome these issues, and for that, I am incredibly proud of him. I can’t help but worry, though. What if he wants kids? I think he might. I’m 34, he’s 36. I have never wanted kids. He says he thinks it might be nice, and he seems to be trying to plant little Holly Homemaker seeds in my head. I am a deaf audience to all that. I have a Master’s degree and an awesome job. I have ZERO inclination to give all that up to play housewife, though he’s never directly insinuated that this is part of his plans. He says he just loves me and wants to get married. That is also kind of problematic to me because of the acrimonious divorce I witnessed my parents go through as a child. Marriage seems to make people unhappy. I don’t want it to taint a good thing.

I really enjoy being with him. He “gets” me. He’s essentially a good catch, all things considered. My mom says I should be happy/feel flattered. Instead, I am terrified. I want him - but I don’t know if I want this. Then again, what if this is my only chance and I blow it? I am so frustrated!!!

Am I being unfair? Why can’t things just stay as they are? I have a sinking suspicion that things can never be the same again. If I decline the offer, he’ll probably be crushed and leave me. If I accept, I might be very uncomfortable with the outcome.

Advice?

2

People who have happy marriages (me included) will tell you to go for it. People who don’t and had problems with that in the past etc. will tell you otherwise…

One thing - 32 may seem young (I’d love to be 32 again :)) but it isn’t anymore, really. Life is not a wide open possibility anymore, things are narrowing and focusing. Do you see yourself at 40, 50, 60 etc. living by yourself, unmarried? If you do, and are comfortable with it, then decide accordingly. I knew a few people who lived all their lives as bachelors, and actually liked it that way.

But if you don’t, then maybe the time to decide it is now, and there’s your opportunity. People who “get you” are few and far between. Who knows when/if the next one comes along.

3

Realistically your chances of finding someone to marry after 34 are very small and shrinking rapidly. That doesn’t mean you should jump at any and all opportunities, but if marriage is your goal there really isn’t any “…really…far…off…in…the…future” to look forward to.

4
  1. Forget what he has overcome to become the man he is now-would you marry the man he is now if he didn’t overcome all those obstacles first? Marriage shouldn’t be a reward for a job well done.
  2. Ask him directly whether he will be by your side no matter where your job may take you. This will force him into some long range thinking that should be done before marriage plans are made.
  3. The fact that your mom feels that you should feel flattered is a big warning sign in my book. It means that she might not be too supportive if there is trouble ahead.
  4. If you really feel that he will disappear forever if you don’t accept his offer right now is the biggest warning sign of all. That is always a wrong reason to jump into marriage.
5

Your concerns are things that you should actually discuss with him. It might seem overly blunt to you, but if there’s a difference in opinion about having kids, it would be preferable to figure out if there’s any room for compromise BEFORE getting married. Hell, if you can do that before becoming engaged, go ahead. At his age, if he really wants to have kids, and there’s no room for compromise, it would work out better for everyone if you just ended the relationship now. If it’s just a “want” and not a “need,” establish that now (so he doesn’t try to trick you into having kids after the wedding).

6

I pretty much agree with Terr, though I didn’t have a good marriage. I think the biggest thing you need to ask, since yo brought it up, was if he wants kids or not. If he really does want them and you know you don’t then there might be problems down the road.

7

You think he might?

Don’t consider marriage before discussing whether or not to have children, and agreeing on the answer.

Many arguments in marriage are about the classic issues -
[ul][li]Money []Sex []Children [*]In-laws[/ul][/li]
Have you worked out a monthly budget that you are both happy with? If you are already sexually involved, are you both happy with the results? What are your expectations for five years down the road?

You haven’t discussed children with him. Do you get along with his parents and siblings, if they are still around? Does he get along with yours? This is not a minor issue.

You say your parents went thru an unpleasant divorce. As far as you know, were any of their issues similar to those in your current relationship - addictions, for instance?

It sounds to me like you need to do a great deal more talking with your boyfriend before you make any decisions. Many churches in the USA have a marriage preparation course that they often require before performing the marriage - if you can locate such a program, I recommend you both take it before making any commitment.

Best wishes to you no matter what.

Regards,
Shodan

8

First - do not accept just because a) you think it’s what you should do or b) the relationship might end otherwise. If you really felt at this moment that it was the right thing to do, you wouldn’t be posting on a message board, you would already have said yes.

Second - Talk to your boyfriend. Tell him about your fears and concerns. Specifically address the issues of working, finances and children. See if you are in agreement on major life goals, or if you feel like you are not on the same page. If you can’t talk comfortably with him about these issues, then how are you going to work through them during your marriage?

Good luck. I do believe that if it’s right, you will find a way to be together. I know people who broke up after an initial engagement, and eventually ended up having a long happy marriage together once the time was right.

9

I don’t know about that - my thirtieth anniversary is coming up next month, and I still think “Look before you leap” is a sounder adage than “She who hesitates is lost”.

Regards,
Shodan

10

I don’t think that marriage “makes” people unhappy. I think the main problem is that people go into marriage with unrealistic expectations or with poor communication and when the inevitable split occurs it’s just that marriage makes it harder to go your separate ways.

I do find it very concerning that you two haven’t TALKED openly about an important issue like whether or not to have kids, or about whether to get married or not (since it sounds like you didn’t see this coming, I’m guessing that you two haven’t talked much about marriage before). That does make me wonder if maybe you have not learned how to communicate well in relationships because of your bad experience seeing your parents divorce.
I would strongly suggest getting some couples counseling before proceeding with marriage plans to work on issues like how to communicate with each other and making sure that both of you understand the other’s expectations.
Then maybe you will feel more comfortable with deciding what to do.

11

Yeah, the kids thing could be a sticking point. There’s exactly one person you need to talk about that with, and it’s not us. If having kids is a high priority for him, and not having kids is a high priority with you, then you absolutely shouldn’t be getting married. A disagreement over the number of children wanted can be worked through, but when one of the numbers is zero, that’s a big deal.

As for everything else, if you’ve known him for years and like what you see so far, and are romantically inclined towards him, what’s the problem?

12

You know this guy, we don’t. But from what you’ve posted, it doesn’t sound like he is willing to live without marriage–that means things *cannot *stay as they’ve always been, not with him, not ever.

If you never want to get married, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But you should be more honest about that in the future so that this doesn’t come up again. Your lack of desire to get married *really *shouldn’t be coming to your guy as a surprise. If it is, it’s either because you haven’t told him you don’t want to get married, or because he didn’t listen. Whichever happened here, it’s not a good sign.

Either way, it seems unlikely that the relationship is going to last much longer unless he is okay with not getting married. You’re just on two different pages. I’m sorry, for what an internet apology is worth, but that’s the truth. This is a fundamental incompatibility, you know? It doesn’t *matter *how well you 2 people get along if they can’t come to an agreement on marriage, kids, monogamy, religion, and money.

13

The thing to remember is that there are bad marriages, but that doesn’t make marriage bad. Your parents and their reasons to divorce don’t have anything to do with your current relationship.

Before you say a definite yes or no you’ve got to have a heart-to-heart with him about not wanting kids and wanting to keep your job. It could be he thinks kids would be nice, but not having them is fine too. If he definitely wants kids, and you definitely don’t, that’ll cause friction down the line.

Same thing for the job; if he wants a housewife and you want to stick with your career, I don’t think either of you will be happy. He might be perfectly OK with you working. There’s only one way to find out.

Personally I’d rather have an awkward conversation right at the beginning, rather than saying yes out of fear of being alone or guilt. If you accept but aren’t comfortable with the decision, how much harder is it going to be to break things off months down the line or years after you get married and realize you made a mistake?

14

Agree with the above. And if he’s put off or offended that you want to have blunt discussion, rather than illusion and romance, then he’s not marriage material. (And if you’re put off or offended by the notion that you should have a blunt discussion, then you’re not marriage material. Marriage is all about dealing with harsh realities head on as a team.)

And couples counseling to help you hash this stuff out and prevent problems sounds like a much better idea than getting in over your head and needing couples counseling down the road because you’ve *developed *problems.

15

Thank you for all of the wonderful suggestions so far.

Shodan asked some questions, so here are the answers:

Have you worked out a monthly budget that you are both happy with?
Yes. We have been living together for a little over two years now. We both have good jobs and rake in about $90k combined. We aren’t homeowners, so there aren’t many unforeseen household expenses. We’re both in our 30s, so we got a better handle on this stuff than we may have had, say, a decade ago.

If you are already sexually involved, are you both happy with the results?

That part is fabulous. No waning in that department. :wink:

What are your expectations for five years down the road?

I want to travel. He’s 100% on-board for that idea. Maybe after that we could get a house or condo somewhere. Aside from retirement savings (which we are both very responsible about) I don’t have many long-term plans. My long term plan FOREVER was to get a degree, which became getting a Master’s, which became getting an awesome job. I am very happy to report that I have accomplished all of these things. :slight_smile:

We’ve had conversations of this nature many times. We’ve always agreed on these goals, as he had similar ambitions. This proposal was a complete bolt from the blue. I never saw it coming. (Hence, the freakout.)

You haven’t discussed children with him.

We have. I told him I don’t want them. He has said similar things…but lately he has been making a lot of jokes about it. He tried to engage me in little daydreaming sessions where we potentially procreate. It’s actually kind of cute, and didn’t become scary until he proposed. They don’t seem like games in hindsight, though when i ask him directly if he wants kids, he says, “I don’t know.” Frustrating!!!

Do you get along with his parents and siblings, if they are still around? Does he get along with yours? This is not a minor issue.

I’m an only child. He is the older of two kids. His younger brother is in Iraq, so I’ve only interacted with him a handful of times. He’s an awesome guy, though! I am pretty sure the feeling is mutual. My boyfriend’s mom and I get along just fine and his dad loves me. I always get invited to all the family events. It just seems like a natural thing. My dad lives really far away, so his interactions with my bf are limited. My mom LOVES him, though. She has been nagging me to marry him for quite some time now. She’s also a little worried that I’ll never get married. I am a little perplexed as to why that is still such a big deal for women in 2012.

You say your parents went thru an unpleasant divorce. As far as you know, were any of their issues similar to those in your current relationship - addictions, for instance?

My parents were WAY too young when they got married (mom was 18, dad was 19) and WAY too young when they had me later that same year. The lack of money, lack of planning, and, ultimately, lack of anything in common as they grew into adulthood, ripped them apart. I don’t really see many parallels between their situation and mine, but perhaps I should give that some further analysis.

Please keep the suggestions and questions coming. This is very helpful.

16

Everything you just typed there indicates that he wants kids but is just telling you what he knows you want to hear. That’s not a sign of a healthy partnership. It’s nice that he wants so badly to be with you, but not that he’ll tell you whatever he needs to to get you married to him, you know?

17

I don’t know, I’m happily married, and I think that at the very least there needs to be a lot more talking before accepting. And in general, I think it’s a little worrisome that it came out of the blue. I don’t think I know anyone who wasn’t pretty sure they were going to stay together and get married before they got proposed to. I mean, some amount of anticipatory trepidation is normal (my husband felt a little scared when I proposed to him, though he immediately accepted), but total shock is a little weird. Have you talked about that with him? Has there been some miscommunication where he thought you’d totally go for the idea?

THIS. All of this, a thousand times.

18

You need to unequivocally tell him that you don’t want kids, and you won’t be changing your mind on the subject. That a life with you = No Kids. Ever. Not adoption, not anything. Really really drive home how seriously you feel about the topic.

19

I’ll toss my 2 cents in, as the kids issue played a part in my relationship ~ we dated a loooonnngg time before tying the knot - I was 33, he was 39. My baby-clock starting buzzing like crazy when I hit about 27-28, and as we weren’t married then, I was forced to really examine the WHY’s of having kids - turns out, after some deep soul searching, my baby-burn was mostly a response to wanting to please my dad by giving him grandkids. Um, wrong reason (for me, anyway) to procreate. I like kids, but after figuring out I didn’t NEED to have any of my own (and that I did have some issues with my dad to sort out), the pressure was off.

My BF at the time/hub now was always very clear that he didn’t see himself as a dad. And, I was ok with that going into the marriage. After many chats about family/kids/future, we came to the conclusion that while we weren’t going to actively pursue having children, and were taking reasonable measures NOT to, we’d also not freak out if a baby happened along. I’ve mused over the years what we’d’ve been like as parents, and it’s an interesting conversation to have, but it’s never lead to Hey, let’s get preggers! It’s just musing. And a 45 & 51, still no kids, and both still just fine with that.

Oh, and I do heartily agree with everyone who’s observed the person you should be having this conversation with is your mister…we’re all a very wise peanut gallery, but you aren’t considering marrying us.

20

Agree with Bob there. A hard discussion is in order. And you don’t have to make this decision so quickly. Make sure he understands that youa re taking your time because this surprised youa nd you need to think it through. Just because you don’t doubt your love for him does not mean you want to be married to him.

Marriage, in and of itself, is not a partcularly good goal. For our Mothers it was nearly their only goal for the first twenty years of their lives.

OTOH, a good partner dedicated to you is not somehting to be tossed aside lightly. A partner in life is an enormous benefit in thousands of ways, and if you think he’d be a good one for you, and you think you’d be a good one for him, then you should seriously consider the benefits before saying “no.” Freedom can be overrated, and every life requires hard choices. Marriage does add constraints, but as you get older the security of companionship is well worth it.

TruCelt: single and prefer it, but well aware of what I’ve given up.