Is there any way this doesn’t end badly 
Planning on taking my girl on a romantic gondola ride for her birthday. We have been dating a year and she has mentioned to mutual friends ideas about me proposing. While I love her and want to be more than just boyfriend/girlfriend, I am not ready to propose yet. Any ideas?
Talk to her.
Yeah, you need to sit down and discuss your expectations for the future. Expect tears.
Have a heart to heart talk with her a bit before the trip, perhaps letting her know that at your current level of bf/gf you don’t feel like it’s enough to jump to engaged, but also your desire to go further and deeper in the relationship. Set a intermediate category between the 2, engaged to be engaged, or some sort of term that means that you desire to both advance your relationship towards where you both will be comfortable with making that next step. Let her know that you need this intermediate step. If she reacts positively to it, I’d suggest a gift based on this, at a later time - maybe on the birthday trip, some sort of jewelry will remind her of your desire to get to that point and willingness, something she can keep with her as a constant reminder.
So crazy it just might work.
Oh yea, Now I remember why I was avoiding that…
Thanks.
You’re right; you’re not ready. I can tell because your girlfriend is expecting you to propose and has no idea that you don’t want to do that right now. That’s a great definition of two people who aren’t ready to get married.
DO NOT propose. But don’t just ignore the elephant in the room, either. Tell her what you’ve said here: that you love her and want to be more than just boyfriend/girlfriend, but you’re not ready to propose yet. You also have to be prepared to tell her what you *do *want the two of you to be, and *why *you don’t feel ready to propose yet.
If your answers to these questions are “I dunno,” then spend some time thinking about it:
*Why *do you want to be more than just boyfriend/girlfriend?
Do you feel anything is lacking in your current relationship?
What do you imagine “more” to be?
Do you want more commitment to each other? More time together? Maybe just a spoken declaration that you plan to be together for the foreseeable future?
And why *don’t *you feel ready to propose?
Are there things you want to accomplish or experience before you get married (school, travel, work, living in different cities/countries, etc.?) In what way will those things be difficult or impossible to do once you’re married? Are there ways in which they might be easier?
Do you just feel too young or immature to get married? Why, or in what way?
Do you want to spend more time learning to relate to each other on a day-to-day basis?
Or perhaps, do you just have no clear idea of what marriage will be like, and so you can’t say whether you’re ready to be married at all?
Figure these things out as clearly and completely as you can. Then tell her that you love her, and tell her what’s on your mind.
The thing is, if you’re going to get married, it’s crucial that you’re able to communicate with each other about the big issues - and marriage itself is one of the biggest. If you can’t do that now, you’ve got to learn how. And if you can’t learn how, you’re not going to have a successful marriage.
I know that some people think it takes all the “romance” out of a proposal if you discuss marriage beforehand, but really, they don’t have anything to do with each other. IMHO, a couple isn’t ready to get married until they’ve had plenty of discussions about, among other things:
A romantic weekend might be a great time to have some of these conversations, but not if you don’t make absolutely clear *first *that you don’t feel ready to propose just yet. Otherwise, she’ll likely think it’s all building up to a big proposal. Bottom line, your goal is to make clear to her that this is not a rejection, but rather a desire to carefully build a deep and solid relationship together.
Learn it now or learn it later: Talking is important. Listening is MORE important.
It doesn’t matter if it’s getting engaged, or how you like your toast. If you expect any kind of long-term success in a relationship, you gotta talk about it. If she gets all weepy and angsty, it means she needs to learn how to listen. Because you’re telling her she’s great and you want to keep going and what she hears is “You don’t wanna MAARAAARRRYYEEEE MEEEEEE” <sob>
Lousy choice of words. She won’t hear the full description. All she will hear is “engaged.” Don’t weasel your way in or out. Just be clear with what needs to be said and don’t play with weasel words or phrases.
It’s like being pregnant. Either you are, or you are not. There is no little bit pregnant. Same as being engaged. You either are or you are not.
Well, that’s a little unfair - it can be upsetting to hear that you and your significant other both had radically different ideas of what kind of relationship you have, whether you’re listening or not.
Just wanted to say that was a great post.
Friends and family do this to women; don’t put it all on her. As soona s she mentioned the trip folks started looking excited and raising eyebrows and clasping hands together with teary eyes asking “OOooohhh! Is this THE trip?!?” They ahve spread the “news” far and wide,a dn by now she’s getting the raised eyebrow and teasing smile everywhere she goes. No matter how many times she straightens this out, to however many people, she is going to be facing some serious embarassment when she comes home unengaged. You need to stand beside her for that, and accept your part of it. Maybe even invite the primary suspects to dinner and set them straight yourself before the trip. This means both affirming your committment to the relationship and chastising their attempt to rush it.
Have a heartfelt conversation as soon as possible, and before the rumour spreads any further. If you are sincere in wanting to move down the path with engagement as a future plan, then I’d suggest surprising her on the trip with a promise ring.
She is going to be profoundly disappointed, and you need to continue discussing plans and places and committment levels in future. Don’t let the relationship get this out of whack again.
Obviously you need to talk to her.
I do have a couple of questions tho:
The reason I ask is that if you’re both in your late 30s or early 40s and she’s hoping to have children, you need to be aware that saying ‘I’m not ready yet’ could result in a) a LOT of questioning about when you will be ready and b) the chance that she’s going to ditch you.
If you’re both 22, way less of an issue, but depending on your ages you may be opening a can of worms that you’re not expecting.
See, I HATED this. I was engaged twice. The first was before I was ready, and I had some serious qualms with getting that way. If you’re not ready. SAY SO. Because if you’re not, and this isn’t the right one, it’ll all snowball from here.
If you’re not ready, but she IS the ONE!!1!, then SAY that, but stick to your guns…otherwise, it’ll come to a head sooner or later.
The first time I got engaged, the stresses involved RAPIDLY demonstrated that this was NOT the person I wanted to marry. The act of planning a wedding is a good litmus test for how you’re going to be as a married couple. The second time I got engaged (different person), it was an entirely different situation.
Personally, my advice is to ditch the grand romantic gestures (like the gondola ride) until you’re ready to propose, because honestly, the whole time she’s going to be either wondering if you’re going to do it, or fighting off disappointment because she knows you’re not going to do it. I have been in that situation and it’s unpleasant.
Apart from that, I fully second Heart of Dorkness’s post. Clear communication is key to getting through this with your relationship intact.
In addition to what others have said, I’ll just point out that you probably ought to talk to her before the gondola ride. If you want to stay dry, anyway.
Go ahead and propose on the trip, but then when you get back just be sure to tell her “PSYCH!” and then point and laugh at her for being so gullible.
Sure, she won’t be your girlfriend any longer and you’ll be pretty much hated by all who know you - but the trip will be FANTASTIC!
I’m not sure how you found out that she was telling mutual friends, but if it was through the rumor mill then consider that you may not have the whole story. Like TruCelt says, someone else might have brought it up, and she said whatever she thought would be the least awkward at that moment. People like to do that. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for years and it took me a while to figure out how to say MYOB politely.
But either way talk to her. If she brought it up in public herself then maybe that wasn’t the best idea on her part. But it could be she was talking to other people because she didn’t feel comfortable bringing it up directly with you. Let her know she can talk to you.
(My bold for emphasis.)
THANK YOU.
:rolleyes:
That’s cruel. You really shouldn’t lie about something so important.
Instead, make it fun by building up her expectations, like when my parents kept dropping hints about me getting a dog for Christmas and instead wrapped up an old hot dog. I was angry at first, but I still ate the hot dog. And more importantly, I learned a valuable lesson: my parents are dicks.
So wrap up a Chili’s gift card in a ring box, go out to dinner at a fancy restaurant, and have the waiter bring it on a dessert plate at the end of the meal with two glasses of champagne. She’ll be charmed by your playful reference to proposing and touched by the fact that you cared enough to go to all that trouble just to give her a moment of excitement. Plus, if you’re lucky, she’ll let you use the gift card.
Lots of good advice in this thread. I’ve got nothing to add. You can’t go wrong with being honest and open, with her but also with yourself.