I feel bad for my grandmother

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

She’s my father’s mother, and she has two other daughters. She lives with her youngest daughter most of the time, but sometimes, she comes to live with us during the holidays. My other aunt still lives in Hong Kong, and my grandmother hasn’t seen her in about six years. My aunt and my grandfather left a week ago to visit that aunt and my grandmother doesn’t like my uncle and my cousins so she’s staying with us.

She and I never got along. I think it’s because she grew up in a place and time when women were submissive. Women only gained respect when they grew old and supposedly gain wisdom. The fact that I’m opinionated and will tell my parents that they are being idiots when they are makes her think I’m some sort of disprespectful heathen. It’s hard to talk to her when she has that sort of mentality, she would say things like “Girls don’t need education; they just need to look good for their husbands.” or even assuming I’ll get married one day and not processing the fact that I don’t have to get married if I choose not to is okay in Canadian society. So, I don’t talk to her anymore because when I do, all I get is frustrated. And it was so frustrating when I was younger how she obviously favoured my brother over me.

So, my parents are always at work, and my brother is always at work. She’s alone and she has no one to keep her company when she’s bored. She knows how to turn on the t.v., but if my brother had switched channels the night before, she doesn’t know how to change it back to the Chinese station. She’s been living in Canada for over 12 years, but she doesn’t have any friends. She actually won’t leave the house unless someone is with her. She broke her arm earlier this year, and everyone had an indignant attitude towards it because instead of being concerned about her failing health, we all thought of it as an inconvience to take her to the hospital to get check ups on her arm.

When I am home, she walk around the house half muttering to herself, but half trying to talk to me. She says things like “The weather is bad today.” or “Ah, there is a traffic jam.” and she says it to herself, but I can tell she really wants someone to respond to her mutterings. She asks everyone redundant questions and tries to voice her opinion on things she doesn’t know about.

Even with my grandfather around, she does all those things. It’s just that when he’s around, she had someone who would respond to her sometimes instead of everyone ignoring her.

It’s sad, and I know I should do something, but I just don’t want to deal with the frustration that comes along with it. :frowning:

2

Well, this:

Makes me think that you’re a disrespectful heathen as well, assuming you are actually calling your parent idiots. I’m a grown woman, and I wouldn’t think of speaking to either of my parents that way, even if they had done something completely dumb.

I don’t know how old this woman is, but you’ve mentioned that she has failing health. Take your frustration, stuff it in a hat, and have a chat with your grandmother. You don’t have to agree about everything - you can talk about the weather, you can talk about the price of melons, you can talk about how you’re thinking of getting a haircut, but for the love of pete, talk about something.

You haven’t said she’s abusive to you. You haven’t said she’s mean. You’ve just said that she’s old and annoying. As hard as this is to believe, someday you will be too, and you’ll be thankful that you have a granddaughter who’s willing to spend a few minutes of the day shooting the breeze.

Alice,
Who has a 90 year old grandfather, with a new 87 girlfriend, who likes to talk about his sex life. Thank your lucky stars girl!

3

At least ‘talk about’ is better than ‘illustrate with diagrams and demonstrations’ :slight_smile:

4

Sadly, the man is very well read. He can be - descriptive…

5

Hi 7-up, may I call you 7-up, for short? It seems friendlier.…

I can share your frustration at speaking with your grandmother. My own mother was in her mid forties when I was born, and so there is quite a generational / cultural gap between us. I can get incredibly frustrated when she claims she can tell me the solution to all my problems 2500 km away, on the phone, based on how things were 50 years ago, or tells me how fast I would get promoted if only I wore a shirt & tie at teh office… (I work in high-tech… :smack: )

Here’s a few ideas to chew on. Since your grandmother is not the one making decisions that affect your life directly, unlike your parents, you don’t have to “prevail” in your discussion.When she says things you feel are silly, you can tell yourself “it doesn’t matter, it won’t affect my life” or “I’m so lucky things are different today…” You can talk to her of “safe” topics, or, better yet, ask her about how things were in her days. It will be intereting if only from the historical & social perspective, and you will have a better understanding of your family’s history, if only of how some things were really screwed up back then. When she makes comments that are annoying, like “Women knew their place then…” just ask her more questions about it, and if you have any objections about her statements, pose them as a gentle question. “How did women feel about it…how difficult was it for you to adhere to this….” etc. Expect her to view everything about the past through rose coloured glasses, though. You may be suprised at what you learn.

Think for a second what her world feels like now. In some ways, it must be like being kidnapped by aliens to anohter planet: in a new place, with amazing and complicated machines you don’t understand, where everybody speeks a language you don’t understand, and everything is written in an alphabet you don’t even recognise. Your kids are grown up and too busy to be with you all the time anymore. Very few people to talk to. Can’t even go for a walk. It was like that for me when I went to Japan. Boy was it humbling to barely be able to order breakfast, and have to have my “hand held” to go anywhere. And I was an healthy young engineer with another colleague for company and a phrase book in my pocket. She must be very lonely, and often sad from being so alone in such a strange land. Even talking about the weather now & here vs. then & back home will be a huge kindness towards her. It’s human contact, even if your just talk about the best way to cook rice. Your grandma does not likely have many years left with us, and it’s better to let a few stupidities float away, and still speak with her and be kind to her, then letting her suffer, and then living with the regrets & missed opportunities for teh rest of your life.

When your parents are being idiots, however, or anyone else for that matter who has the potential to screw up your life, that is another matter. I sometimes have to deal with stupid people, I mean shoot-themselves-in-the-foot-repeatedly-because-they’re too-stupid-to-stop stupid, at my work, and I sometimes need these people to come through for me otherwise I can be in trouble… I never get anywhere with them by thelling them they’re being stupid. That just makes them dig in their heels and gets their hackles up. I ask them to help me understand their dumber-than-dirt-ideas, I listen to them, and make them feel listened to, like I’m genuinely trying to see their point. I make them feel like I respect their opinion, and I’m just trying to understand their enormous intellect. If they feel I’m being reasonable with them, it makes them want to be reasonable with me. Then I ask them “What about this glaringly-obvious-common-sense-point-you-should-have-considered-in-the-first-place” casually, like it’s just a thought that occured to me. If I explain a few of the advantages, and let them come up with a few more, pretty soon they’re suggesting it to me like they thought of it in the first place. I don’t feel humiliated like I’m sucking up to them, because, in the end, what it’s really about is getting what I want from these people, not winning a pissing contest.

If you try something like this with your folks, you may be surprised at how adult the conversation is between you, and how willing they will be to consider your perspective. All you have to do is listen, stay calm, make them feel like you’re listening to them and thinking about what they say, and keep asking questions.

If they say something final and dumb, like “…because I said so” or "…because it’s not proper" or “it’s not done” :rolleyes: you can get them talking again with questions like: "What are you worried about here?" “What is your concern?” “How did you learn about this?” “Help me understand you better…” "You seem to feel very strongly about this… etc.

I can pretty much assure you they’ll feel you’ve grown up all of a sudden, and you’ll get your way more often.

Hope this helps. Go talk to your Grandma while she’s with you.

6

I second the advice of the other posters. Accept that your grandmother is a product of the times she grew up in and don’t take her antiquated ideas so seriously. She will probably be gone sooner than you expect, so try to appreciate having her around while you can.

7

The older I get, the more things I think of that I wish I could ask my grandmother. So much has changed that it’s fascinating to learn how people used to live. I was stunned the other day when my mother mentioned something about my grandmother not being born in hospital.
You can ask your grandma about how her family got food and clothes. (My grandma told me that her family used flour sacks for towels.) What was her school like? What were the turning points in her life, and how did they come about? When did she first ride in a car?

When I’m faced with an awkward conversation, I make a decision that I’ll learn something interesting about the person. I’ve learned a lot this way.

Be kind to your grandmother. You’ll be doing a good deed, and you’ll feel good about yourself. You don’t have to get frustrated – be indulgent instead. Remember that to her, your values are as foreign as hers are to you.

8

I remember one of the best conversations I’ve had in my life, ever, with anyone was with my grandmother.

She was telling me about being 16, with her first child (she had 3 by the time she was 19), living in a railway boxcar, in the middle of the “bald-ass prairie” with my grandpa and my aunt Beatrice.

Trust me - you can’t get that sort of information from a book.

9

Maybe it’s just that I miss my grandmother a LOT, but let me tell you- reading that OP makes me want to cry. I feel really sorry for your grandmother too.

10

My grandma’s gone now. She was my dad’s mother. I remember how pleased she was when she could do something useful for us. Like cooking a simple meal. She was, however, not a very good cook (which my dad totally agrees with), but we ate her meals without complaining because we knew the effect it had on her spirits. In her later years, she chose to live on her own, but not too far away from us. Whenever we visited, she would never let us leave empty-handed. Of course, we really had no use for any of her “gifts” (such as some fruit or a wall calendar), but again, we knew that it pleased her to take them with gratitude. Where am I going with all this? Why don’t you help your grandma find some ways to spend her time that would please her? Are there senior centers where she can participate in group activities? My mother (who’s grandma to my kids now) occupies much of her time with such activities. You mentioned that your grandma does not know how to change the channel on the remote. Why can’t you sit down and teach her how to do that? It’s not rocket science! Look at it this way … everyone wants to feel useful and relevant.

11

Any seniors’ centres or adult day cares where she could spend some time with people of the same generation and culture?

12

She’s chosen her path. Do what you can, but don’t let it get you down.

13

Thanks for all the replies, especially trupa.

I honestly think it’s the combination of my personality, and my grandmother’s personality that we used to clash so much. I’ve always felt closer to my other grandmother, which is a little odd because I’ve only ever seen her twice in real life since she still lives in Hong Kong. But it’s our phone conversations where I actually can talk to her, and actually care how she is feeling. If I were to try to have a pleasant conversation with the grandmother living here, it would take a lot of patience, and quite honestly, I’m not a patient person. I think she would rather talk to my father, or my brother anyway. When she came here 12 years ago, everyone in the family urged her to go out and try to make some new friends (along with my grandfather). There is a society here for older Chinese people where they can take classes, or partake in recreational activities, and there’s one close to our house, and there’s one close to my aunt’s house, but she couldn’t be bothered. When we suggest it now, she makes the excuse that it’s too late, and she’s too old. In fact, that’s her excuse for almost everything. I feel bad, but I can’t help but wonder if she didn’t inflict it upon herself since she had the tendency to alienate all the females in the family. And how ironic it is that she thinks women should be second class citizens to men, yet lives with her daughter more than with her son. :frowning: