My furry friends, inspired by the “Ask the Emu” thread, judging themselves to much cuter and smarter than any bird, have requested that I start this thread. Given my ability to speak cat in several dialects, I’ll dutifully translate queries and responses, perhaps interspersed with Quotations from Chairman Meow. 
Do you communicate with the recently departed cats. I gave my sister a kitten way over ten years ago. He belonged to a friend and fell down a heating duct not long after he was born. We had to take damned near half that heater apart to get him out.
So not only did I find him a loving home, I saved his life.
So it only stands to reason that this cat hated my guts after I gave him to my sister. If I got anywhere near him he’d come after me for blood. I mean, I couldn’t walk past this cat or anything.
So what I’m getting to is that I’ve waiting a long time to see this cat die. And now, if you can be the medium between this world and that one, tell Tigger I said Ha! Ha!
That is all.
Although Tigger appreciates your efforts on his behalf and wishes he’d been more convivial towards you in retrospect, his true feelings cannot be conveyed in MPSIMS other than to say, “You too, man.”
I showed my cat, Pepper, this thread and this is what she typed:
I have no idea what any of that means, but she seemed quite insistent that I post it, and of course, I must obey my Queen. Hopefully your cats will understand.
Why does my dog always want to eat your poop?
Quite clear QED. Scratch me right there, and continue to do so for a while. Then stop playing with this computer so I can curl up on you and purr.
Why do you think we made it look like Tootsie Rolls? Recycling at it’s best.
Why does every stray cat in the neighborhood want to run their muddy paws all over my truck’s windshield and hood the night after I wash my truck?
Oh, and by the way, Dances, I am still on the lookout for your Dead poster / playbill with the cat. Unless you’ve found it, of course.
What’s with the purr thing, anyway? It’s just so…so nice.
Thank you. We invented the concept of a vibrator. 
The neighborhood kitties are demonstrating their love for you. Think of each muddy pawprint as a kitty kiss.
(Thx re the poster )
Speaking of recently departed cats, is that our recently departed cat, Pants, that our dog (who we got 3 months after Pants’ death) keeps barking at when there’s “nothing there?” Or is the dog just stupid? (I’m leaning toward stupid, but if you’d care to throw me a bone here [no pun intended], I’d be much obliged.)
Or perhaps it’s because I overuse parentheses?
Dogs have a propensity for barking at unseen objects, and cats have a propensity for staring at objects invisible to humans. It is also a documented fact that kitties will attempt to drive dogs crazy. My kitty friends inform me that Pants is channelling from the afterlife just to yank the dog’s chain. 
I’ve had a stray cat for about two years (you’ve met her, I believe), and she has a statement and a question; Candy’s statement:
Okay, now there’s another cat in the house; he just got here yesterday. This is my house, dammit! What’s another cat doing here and what’s the best way to dispose of the body once I decide on the best method of killing him? I’m not big enough to use the garbage disposal in the sink.
There’s a skinny tri-color cat who has been strolling through our front and back yards. Naturally, this drives my dog bonkers, and if my cat would get off his lazy butt and look out the window at the right time, it’d drive him bonkers, too.
How do I know if the strolling kitty is a stray or just a tormentor? Is he likely to pick the locks and sneak into the house at night?
The kitty that is proud to have us as “the throwers of the flutter ball” has a question. “Why is it, that when I want to nip momma’s chin, (since she’s laying there, peaceful and cuddly looking) and drool and love her, she gets grumpy and pushes me away, sometimes swinging the “pillow” at me?”
My question, “How do I teach that cat to console herself, and stop trying to nurse to comfort herself?!” Argh! I just want to sleep! Do you think Feliway would help? Rhiow is also a “wool sucker” so I know it’s just her anxiety, and I try to be gentle, but she’s very persistent in her attempts, and she’s nicked me and drawn blood with her fang before. Putting her out of the room is not doable, she’s too anxious for that right now. She’s not as anxious as she was, she’ll tolerate the prescence of Hazel on our laps being petted now without homicidal thoughts towards him, though she does give us dirty looks.
If I have you permanently sewn to my lap, would that make you happy?
Why do you give me ‘the look’ when I dump you off? I have to stand up sometime, don’t I?
We understand the territory thing Candy, but there are numerous advantages to this deal. You won’t lose anything regarding food or affection, people train quickly. With another cat in the house-you can work on synchronized tripping of people. If something gets broken-who knows who did it? If you establish yourself as Alphacat to the newbie, then when you’re feeling lazy, you have a grooming assistant. Trust us, it’s win-win that way.
We suggest checking the stroller for ID, but don’t go airport security on him. No ID means a probable stray which you can have as a playmate for the existing kitty. If ID is present, he’s just doing the neighborhood patrol-sniff here and there, stop to lick himself while the dog goes gonzo against the patio door, maybe find a rodent, that kind of thing. Tormenting is just a bonus.
Cats don’t do the break and enter thing. We’re smart enough to use mind power and make you open the door to let us in. Now if you have a female who is feeling somewhat amorous and there’s a cat flap available, exceptions can be made in the name of nature, you know.
Sounds like some poor little kit was taken from Momma a bit too soon. The nursing behavior often goes away after kitty is full grown, but we’ve heard of some kits that continue to do so into adulthood. It sounds like Rhiow is a new kitty and may be totally stressed, in which case Feliway is worth a try. Sometimes we can be four-alarm bonkers, but in most cases it will pass. Good luck. Did you ever consider that maybe you taste good?