We join poster DramaQueen as she sits in front of the computer in her bedroom. She is joined presently by her GuardianAngel, a voice of reason, who hovers about the room (as he is apt to do), trying to talk some sense into her.
GA: Greetings, DramaQueen. What’s the drama of the day?
DQ: Ooh, Guardian Angel…It’s a big one! TubaDiva did something bad!
GA: Hmmm…TubaDiva? Are you sure? It’s rather uncharacteristic of her to do something bad.
DQ: I’m sure. The whole board knows. Everybody is talking about it.
DramaQueen inhales deeply
DQ: Ahh…drama. How I love it so…
GA: What’s everybody else on the board saying?
DQ: The threads are opening up in the Pit and ATMB faster than the mods and admins can close them! Drama oozes from every post! Precious drama…
GA: Lemme guess. The facts aren’t all in yet.
DQ: Doesn’t matter. There’s plenty of rumor, conjecture and innuendo to feed my need to jump into this dramatic situation headfirst and make my feelings known.
GA: Haven’t we talked about this addiction to drama that you seem to have? And haven’t we talked about jumping to conclusions before all the facts are in?
DQ: But I can’t help myself. If I don’t post now, all the other Dopers will get to enjoy all this drama before I can indulge myself! Precious drama…(inhales deeply, again)
GA: So what did TubaDiva supposedly do?
DQ: I’m not sure yet. But it supposedly has something to do with online privacy and people acting inappropriately toward minors. Wow! I haven’t seen drama like this since Melin got banned.
GA: Well, let’s have a look-see at what you’re about to post…
GuardianAngel wades through three pages of drama-soaked text.
GA: Will you never learn? What have I told you about jumping to conclusions before all the facts are in?
DQ: Well, I’ve carefully worded my post such that it’s conclusions are based on what I think might have happened.
GA: But what if it turns out that you’re incorrect about the facts?
DQ: You’re no fun. What’s wrong with a bit of unfounded speculation?
GA: Well, such things are human nature, but in consideration of the seriousness of the supposed situation, perhaps we ought not to jump to conclusions. Besides, the admins have asked you nicely not to post things like what you’re about to post. Don’t you think you’re being a bit judgmental in absence of all the facts?
DQ: The only thing I enjoy more than drama is judgment. People care what I think. If I don’t render judgment right now, what will happen to all those people who hang on my every post, dying to know what I think?
GA: You’ve got problems, not the worst of which is an irrational need to be validated by your peers. Plus you’re an attention whore. Lemme ask you something…If you’re so concerned about the ability of the SDMB staff to protect your personal information, why don’t you cancel your subscription and leave now, instead of hanging out waiting for Og-Knows-What?
DQ: And deprive myself of the unfolding drama?
GA: Precisely.
DQ: But drama is what feeds me…keeps me nourished. This “fighting ignorance” thing is totally overrated. It’s all about the drama, dammit!
GA: Get a hold of yourself.
DQ: Must…post…NOW! Must judge TubaDiva before…everybody…else…does…
GA: Don’t do it. Just say no. Wait until all the facts are in. If you post now, forever will it dominate your destiny.
DQ: Can’t. Must…have…precious…drama…
DramaQueen presses the “reply” button.
GA: You fool! You could be hoist by your own petard when the facts emerge! Damn you, fool child!
DQ: Ahhhh…precious drama… Look! Four Dopers have responded to my post! And they all think I’m right! I KNEW IT! I’M RIGHT!!!
GA: You have a serious addiction. I’m resigning my Guardian Angel-ship until you get some help. Sayonara, you crazy asshat.
Exeunt GuardianAngel. Exeunt rationality.
THE END
