My grandfather died last week and the funeral is tommorrow. I have 3 boys aged 9, 11 & 13. I’ve already made up my mind that they will not be attending the funeral. I think the 13 y/o and maybe even teh 11 y/o could probably handle it, but I’m uncomfortable with the fact that he’d probably tell his brothers what he saw. In addtion my sibs all have kids in the age range of 3-10. My younger brother and his wife our at odds, my brotehr like me wants to leave the kids home while he wife’s wants to take them (they’re 7 & 9). My Sis is leaving her three (3, 7 & 11) at my place. I do have a few 16 and 17 y/os’s neices going. So what say you Dopers? How young do you think is too young.
The funeral is open casket with a procession.
Incidentally we’ll be meeting afterwards for a meal/get-together (what the name for this?) to which I whole heartedly support all the kids attending as that’s when the stories will come out.
When I was 7, a favorite great grandmother died. I, being the youngest, did not “get to go”–a sitter was arranged for me. I was terribly hurt by that and felt that I did not count in the family or even as a part of the family.
Fast foward 30 years. My sister died when I was 36–I was pregnant with my last and had an 8 and a 6 y/o. They attended the viewing and the funeral. They were very sad and we talked a great deal about death etc.
I lost another sister just last August. My kids are now 15, 13 and 6. Of course, they all attended the memorial (there was no viewing) and again, we talked about death and dying and grief and loss.
As you can probably tell, I have strong opinions about this. IMO, we hide from death and strive to protect kids too much. Are some of their questions really hard? Yes, but I feel that it is better to shed light on the subject.
I think that if this person was close at all to these boys, that they should get the opportunity to say good bye. It helps the grieving process immeasurably.
there are age appropriate books out there, there are support groups and resources available if you feel uncomfortable with the subject.
Even if they don’t get to go–it would help if you answered their questions (if any).
I went to my beloved great grandmother’ funeral when I was nine. I don’t think I have any lasting scars from the experience. If your kids want to go, let them go. I would advise, however, that you stay close esp if it is an open casket funeral or a viewing.
It depends a lot on the funeral and the kid. If the funeral is likely to be quite long, I take them to the visitation instead. Both of my kids are pretty well behaved – no ADD or ADHD – and don’t have a problem sitting for a 30-min service. I almost always take them to visitations of people they have known well, such as a great-aunt, cousin, or great-grandparent. I try to prepare them beforehand with what they might see whether it’s a visitation or funeral. They are not expected to walk past the casket if they’d prefer not to.
In each case, my two (who are now 5 and 9, respectively) have handled things well. In one case, their own friends’ grandmother had died, and we went as a family to support our friends’ family. I’m pretty sure they think it’s gross to see the dead person lying there, but neither has ever complained of nightmares or anything, and they understand that going to these things isn’t fun, but it’s a mark of love and respect from them to the people left behind.
I think they just accept these events as part of life. As for me personally, I feel it’s appropriate for them to understand that life ends and how we deal with it when it does. I also didn’t want their first funeral experience to be, heaven forfend, a parent’s or sibling’s funeral.
I went to my first funeral when I was 5. It was for a family member that I hardly knew so it wasn’t so bad. I still remember it. The next funeral I went to was when I was 7 for my grandfather who died young and suddenly. That was upsetting but I think that it would have been at any age. I a kind of glad that I had already gone to one just because I was already familiar with the atmosphere and details of a funeral.
My wife on the other hand, was prevented from going to funerals at all growing up. She went to her first one at 20 (for her grandfather) and was really disturbed by the way they are.
Sorry, I didn’t read th OP fully. Warn the kids what an open casket entails and sit near the back if they are creeped out.
The party after a funeral is often called a Wake. They should go to the wake, I think, for the reasons you suggested.
Generally in my family we take kids along. There’s a huge difference in how my siblings and I cope with death and how one set of first cousins do, growing up their parents never took them to any funerals or even the dinners after. It was A Big Argument in the extended family and of course now that the adult children have major coping issues involving death everyone on the ‘take them’ side has declared victory. My parents handled funerals sorta the same as weddings or any other large family gig, explain the situation, detail the behavior expected and don’t make too big of a deal about the entire thing.
When my son was 3 and his great-grandmother died, I took him to the visitation and explained things to him as far as he could understand them, but arranged a sitter for the actual service since that would just be too long for a 3yo to sit quietly. A couple of years later he went to the funeral service of a favored great-uncle and handled it just fine. We talked about what death was, what funerals signify, what he could expect to see and other than being slightly squirmy during some of the preachin’ parts, he was fine. He’s 12 now and has been to probably 20 funerals of a few different faiths, no problems.
The thing is, I’m not sheilding them from death. We talked about it last week, we even went by his former home as he left a lot of knick knacks for them, aslo to divy up pics. My reluctance is based on my own experience, My first funeral was at 11, my sis was then 7 also attended, she had nightmares for weeks, so did another brother. That and the overall emotional feel of a funeral is overwhleming for some. I think I’d rather they feel the better feelings at the Wake (thanks TDG it was on the tip of my tongue).
For this reason by the way, I’m having a will drawn up specifying no funeral, but a huge party. Especially since I want to donate and cremate what’s left.
My mother’s father died when I was five. I attended the funeral. At the end, people went to view the body. I stayed put. Someone, one of my parents, asked if I wanted to go to the coffin. I didn’t want to. I said, ‘I can see okay from here.’ They didn’t make me view the body.
I wouldn’t want to go to an open-casket funeral, and I’m 28.
That being said, your youngest is nine. I think they’re all old enough to be consulted about this. It might be that they don’t want to go, it might be that they do, and maybe you could make arrangements for somebody to be there for them if they need to go outside or something. Death happens, and they are more than old enough to be involved if they so desire.
My first funeral, of any kind, was my dad’s, when I was seventeen and my brother was nine. It was a graveside service, closed casket (obviously), and my brother did okay, or at least as okay as could be expected. I’m sure somebody would have taken him off somewhere if he’d needed to go.
Believe it or not, I’ve been to exactly THREE funerals in my life time. And the first one wasn’t until I was eleven-when my godmother and favorite aunt died. Before that, when my grandfather died when I was seven, I was allowed to go to the viewing to see him laid out, but not the funeral.
How do your kids feel about going? I think that should be the main issue.
Funerals are important social rituals and the idea that you would deny your kids the opportunity to go because of your reaction is wrong. Should they not sing in public because you didn’t like it as a child? Read eleanorrigby’s post again particularly the second para. Appropriate name really for this thread.
I think most people here agree with you to some extent. I know I do. Still, you probably wouldn’t want to take a 6 year old to identify a butcher-shop murder victim hung in a freezer like my grandfather did to my father. He still isn’t too pleased about that.
Some people try to shield their kids from everything and I believe that is a mistake. I am a father and I won’t do that. At the same time, you shouldn’t really throw every bad thing that comes along when your kid is three. Kids differ a great deal and it is a parent’s job to judge the readiness for exposure to these kinds of things.
In my family kids generally get taken along. I went to my first funeral at 9 or ten–not a family member I knew well, but my dad said he wanted to get me accustomed to the way funerals worked. (It was kind of a weird statement and ended up being disturbingly prophetic–but that’s another story for another day.)
You really have to determine it based on the individual kid–whether they’ll be seriously creeped out, whether or not they have a tendency to act out–and balance that with what it’ll mean to them later on when they think about the fact that they did/didn’t get to go. I would have been extremely upset at eleven if I’d been denied the opportunity to go to my grandmother and great grandfather’s visitations and funerals. I was fully capable of handling everything involved, as were my sister (then 8) and my brother (then 6). Perhaps you should talk to your kids about what they’d prefer?
I’ve never been to a funeral. No, I wasn’t sheltered and death wasn’t sugar-coated. Nobody close to me has ever died at a time and/or place where I could attend and my father didn’t have a funeral. I am not warped (well, no warping that can be traced to funeral attendance), I coped with all of their deaths quite nicely, etc.
Out of all of my cousins, the only two who’ve had a tough time with death, loss, and other related things, were the two raised by a mother who sheltered them so much they didn’t even know our grandmother had died three years previously. The trouble wasn’t the funeral or lack of it, it was a parent who was dishonest and unavailable emotionally.
I say you know your kids best, and if you think they should start out with a wake before working up to a funeral, do it. This is not a one size fits all issue. Personally, I found my father’s memorial very healing-- stories are good.
But don’t make them kiss great-grandpa goodbye if they don’t want to, please. Can you believe one of my college friends had to do that? At the tender age of five she was dragged kicking and screaming and held down over her grandmother’s face. Her therapy bills would take your breath away.
I was just having this conversation with a coworker who was wondering the same thing. It’s all about closure. I personally would expect almost any child to handle the process without any negative affects unless direct contact with the deceased is involved. Touching a dead body is different than viewing a dead body.
Most kids won’t understand or react to the situation on the same level as an adult would. If a child feels the need to attend a funeral for closure than that is a pretty clear sign of which direction to go. Same for the reverse. I can’t see the harm in a 9 year old at a funeral assuming he/she was close to their great grandfather.
I went to my first funeral when I was five; an uncle lifted me up to “get a better view” (or something), and I freaked out because I thought he was going to put me in the casket. My mom had to take me outside to calm me down and I cried (outside; no way was I going back in there) until the service was over.
When I was six or seven, my mom wouldn’t allow me to skip school to attend my grandpa’s funeral, even though I begged her. She probably based her decision on my behavior at the last funeral I’d been to, which is BS since that wasn’t really my fault, but whatever.
My friend’s mom recently died and her grandchildren (two under three years old, and a ten year old) all attended. However, she’d been cremated so the younger kids didn’t really know what was going on anyway.
Anyway, I don’t think age is really a factor in these decisions. One six year old might be well-equipped to attend a funeral while a twelve year old might not be. It really depends on the kid (and any uncles that might be there… :shudders:)