Sarah and I have been together for something like 3.5 years. We met in college when she was a freshman and I was a senior. We were together there for two years.
Then she transfered to a college 3 hours down the road. It was a little stressful because her parents didn’t want her driving up to see me, but they didn’t mind if I drove down to see her. So I saw her once or twice a month. We have a fantastic time when we’re together. You haven’t seen anyone more in love than us. It’s disgusting.
Then I move to OH for my Master’s degree. It’s been a few months, but we try to get together every month or two. I spent a week there at Christmas.
This week she has really been talking like “she can’t do it anymore.” She is attracted to this other guy, but she doesn’t want to leave me. I am her first real boyfriend and she feels resrained from “trying out other people,” but she doesn’t want to break up with me. etc, etc…
I don’t know what to do. I want her to be happy. I want her to have fun. I don’t want her to stay with me and always think that she missed out on something because she has been dating me. I will not be moving back to TX for at least another year-anda-half. After this week I don’t have much confidence that she’ll be with me that much longer.
Mmmmmm, tough call, snake legs. She will do what’s right for her in the end and you’ll go along with it 'cause really there’s nothing you can do and you will survive and you may end up friends and life will go on. And perhaps, in the end, you will end up together.
Although, when what she may say rips your heart out and it’s laying on the floor, broken, you won’t feel that way, trust me.
Be assured, if you need us at SDMB, we will be here.
On the other other hand, she may decide that you are, indeed, all she needs. In which case, all will be right in the world!
Be assured, if you need us at SDMB to celebrate, we will be here.
My sister ended up marrying her first boyfriend. They had started dating when she was 16. She is now 29. They did take a break for a few months for her to try dating someone else while they were apart for college.
I would say that you should let her go explore a little - it is possible that exploring will just point out to her how great you really are. (sometimes you need to contrast things to really appreciate just how good they are…) Then again, if she dates someone else and finds that better, in the long run you’re still better off because you don’t want to be with someone who was just settling for you because she didn’t know what she wanted, anyhow.
You’re in the more painful position, and I feel for you. But that is my two cents. My sister went back to her boyfriend and married him, so it is possible to still have a happy ending. I had another friend who married her first love, but then divorced him because she didn’t know what she wanted and never should have married him in the first place, but didn’t know since she had nothing to compare it to.
Anyway, best of luck to you through this trying time.
I was you last semester, pal. I know that there is nothing more painful than what you’re feeling right now.
And I hate to say it, but she’s going to do what she’s going to do, and you will have no choice but to go along with it, because you can’t stop it, and any influence you may try to exert may (and likely will) be considered manipulative.
She wants to stretch out, and, believe me, the familiar, no matter how wonderful it might be, almost always loses out to the unknown in terms of allure. HSHExGF did the same thing, and is now trapped in a lash-out/regret cycle. It seems likely to me that your own GF will want to “stretch out,” just because she has the opportunity to do so.
The best thing that you can do is live your own life and make a very conscious assesment on your part as to whether the “alone you” has a place for her, should she decide to come back.
If it’s any help, I took mine back three times, until I realized that it wasn’t me but the certainty that she wanted. I advise you to look clearly at her motives for leaving as well as coming back, because those will tell you a lot about whether the relationship is built to last or is a safe haven between experiments.
I wish you luck. I still believe that those who are meant to come back will come back. You can e-mail me if you want someone to talk to or bounce ideas off.
She was a senior and I was in grad school. We were together for a year before she moved to law school 3 hours away. I got to see her once or twice a month and we always had a wonderful time together. I knew she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I would have proposed but did not relish the idea of a 3 year engagement or a long distance marriage, so I waited.
As time goes on she finds herself attracted to one of the guys at school. Many months of things going downhill. I remember one time we were in the car together, she said in tears, “I feel myself falling away from you.”
A few months of struggle and attempts to make things work and things end.
Long distance relationships are a bitch. Some couples can handle them and some can’t. Likely many if not most of married couples would not be able to take seeing each other only once or twice a month for a few years. Some people, including an earlier version of myself, say that it is a good test of the relationship and that if it doesn’t work out then it is better to find that out now rather than after. I am not sure about that one anymore.
Comfort? Ain’t got any of that for you. That woman left my life over three years ago during which time I have dated several women and even live with my current girlfriend. Still hurts sometimes. This is the same story and it repeats itself all over the world every day.
Advice? Two things. One, if and when the end finally comes, accept it. Once she says that maybe you two should try being apart for a while the relationship is over. Smile and agree with a trial break, but know it is over. Two, I’d avoid the friendship, particularly if she starts seeing the other guy immediately. You will be damn sad for a while and she will be starting something new, so there will not be a whole lot of benefit there for either of you. Maybe after a couples months or a year you could try.
Of course, things may never come to that. She is new to dating and maybe a bit confused now so nothing is certain. Good luck.
These things do suck but sometimes they do work out. I met TaxiDriver when we were both sophomores. We dated for a few months, but just weren’t right for each other at the time. We both went off and dated other people. After we graduated, he went to NC and I went to MA. We were both starting over and didn’t know a lot of people. We started emailing, msg’ing, talking again and realized how much we really had in common. Three years of long distance plus grad school on my side, job troubles on his side, and various other difficulties and we’re still together.
It does take a lot of work and a lot of flexibility to make a long distance relationship work, but it can be done. And for the right people, like TaxiDriver and me, it may be the best way to make some circumstances work.
I did the long distance relationship. SpouseO was a grade behind me in high school, so I went off to college first 4.5 hours away. Then he went off to college 6 hours away from me. Then I transferred, then he transferred, and now we’re married.
Do I regret him being my only experience - yeah, sometimes. There are times that I do wish I would have experimented/experienced more. But he’s worth it, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. There were other guys that I was attracted to, but I never tried it out. I didn’t want to trade what might be for what I had. And I’m glad I didn’t.
But my case differs from yours in that she’s actually wondering about being with another. While I was attracted, I was never attracted enough to take that next step. It seems she might be.
Other than a related anecdote, I’ve got no advice. Best of luck to you - I hope everything turns out okay. Remember, we’re pulling for you, we’re all in this together.
I think this says it all. She obviously wants to date other people, but is hesitant to hurt you. You are right to not want her to stay with you and have doubts. The right thing to do is to take the initiative and break up with her. There’s no sense in waiting for her to work up her nerve to do it – the relationship as it stands is bad for both of you: she wants to date other people and you deserve to be with someone who is excited about being with you. Maybe in the future she’ll be that person again, but right now she isn’t.
My parents met when they were 14, dated through high school, broke up, my mom got engaged to another guy, broke it off, got back with my dad. They celebrate their 37th anniversary this year.
When things get to this point, I don’t really know that it can be repaired without letting the other person take some time off. As a noted comedian observes, when women say this, if they aren’t already riding a new pony, they’ve already picked one out of the herd.
But on the other hand, I don’t think it’s wise to give her permission to go play, confident in the knowledge that you’ll be waiting faithfully to make it all better if it doesn’t work out. She needs to be confronted with a credible possibility of not only losing you, but knowing that you’ve “tried other people” as well. I think you should communicate this and then see if it changes anything.
It was Jeff Foxworthy the one who made the observation
I agree. A similar situation happened in my circle of friends. The long distance boyfriend (of 4 years) lost to the newcomer, who is the current boyfriend. At least she’s honest enough to tell you she’s interested in someone else, the boyfriend of my anecdote wasn’t so lucky.
I’d say we’re pretty honest with each other. I did tell her that if she wants to take some time off and see other people I’d be ok with that, and I made it clear that I’d be doing the same thing. I don’t think that she wants that, but you never know.
If she had just suggested that she “wanted to see other people” I would be suspicious as I’ve heard that before (and I cut that one loose), but she is interested in a guy and I knew that she was before she told me. After several years she can’t hide anything from me. It may just be a proximity attraction. She has been all by herself for a couple of months and she wants to be touched. I understand. I just don’t want her sleeping with someone else while she is still “with” me.
One would almost think that you have an ulterior motive, Canadiangirl.
Actually, I think we’re reconciled for the most part. I’m still a little upset with her, but it’s not terminal. I have a plane ticket to TX for a week from today that I got a month or so ago so we’ll know one way or another whether we can stay together after next weekend I suppose.
Rather a " force you into the corner" motive - I have found that the “maybe we’ll see other people” thing works out great except when you’re the first one to see other people then you turn into a shmuck. But you ALSO are the recipient of many calls “well, I didn’t expect it to work out quite like that” or, my personal favourite “well, I didn’t think you’d really do that” or “I miss you, this was a big mistake”.
At the risk of sounding flip, it gets the deal on the table, if you know what I mean.
Nudging it along, bit by bit, is torture for everyone involved (in my opinion) and boy, can you tell I’ve been there?
