Etiquette when visiting a non-veggie household

Factual Questions
1

Hi all!!

I have a problem with regards to social etiquette and food…

Basically, I’m planning on visiting a friend of mine in the USA (I’m in the UK) sometime this year. (She’s in North Carolina and lives (at the mo) with her folks who I’d guess are in their late-70s…)

Problem: I’m a very long-term vegetarian-bordering-on-vegan, so what’s the etiquette surrounding staying with a friend who’s a non-veggie (my N.C. pals tell me that vegetarians in N.C. are as rare as …uh… hen’s teeth and looked upon with some confusion!!) and who’s parent’s are also non-veggie?

(I can’t “take my own food” as I’ll be flying across the Atlantic and staying for a week!!)

I’m really excited about going to see my friend, meeting her family and seeing what looks like a beautiful county, but I do NOT want to put her folks or her to any trouble or me to cause any embarrassment if they go to any effort to prepare food that I won’t eat.

My friend knows that I’m veggie, but I kinda don’t think she’s ever come across one before!!! Reading labels to check ingredients and not eating cows seems to be an “unknown quantity” in her part of the world…

:wink:

HELP!!! What’s the correct way to proceed??

2

Learn to say, “No, thank you.”

Also, just because you can’t bring your own food doesn’t mean you can’t offer to shop and cook for a few meals. It’s a nice thing to do whenever you’re a houseguest anyway. We take over the kitchen completely when we visit friends out west; they don’t lift a finger to cook all week and we’re always welcome back. :slight_smile:

As you probably know, there are lots of “vegetarian” dishes that non-veggies eat all the time and don’t realize they’re veggie: mac & cheese, pasta with veggies and tomato sauce, peanut butter & jelly, bean burrito, rice pilaf, fruit salad, and on and on. If you do it right, you can show your hosts that you’re not a freak of nature.

Just let them know that they’re welcome to their meat if they’ll just be sure to have plenty of veggie dishes for you (and to leave out the meat broth in the rice, mashed potatoes, etc.!).

(I thought that Asheville was kind of a veggie/vegan haven (but it may not be close to where you’ll be). Left Hand of Dorkness, care to chime in?)

3

<donning my nomex undies>

Are you veggie for moral or allergy grounds? If it is moral, don’t sweat accidental exposure to animal products like gelatin or animal rennet in cheese, eggs or dairy as ingredients [many noodles have eggs in them] and deal with asking for lots of side dishes.

A jewish man I once lived with kept kosher and once whenin a conversation I asked what they said to do if there was an accident while traveling and he got benighted somewhere where keeping kosher wasn’t an option and he told me that God is a practical being, and that you pray a lot and do that purification bath thingy when you get home. Treat it like that. Americans aren’t savages and in general will understand vegetarianism. In your friends house there probably won’t be much problem, and out to resteraunts you will just have to read the menu and ask the server questions. Many times the only veggies will be cooked to death, and you will have to ask for no sauce [unless you do butter and cheese and eggs] and get used to lots of salads…IIRC Burger King has a veggie burger, though it is cooked on the same flame line as meat burgers, it is vegan=) You can get beans and rice in Taco Bell, and ask for a taco salad without the beef. Not sure what other fast food places have vegetarian stuff, maybe subway?

4

If you don’t object to cooking meat, there are lots of dishes that are vegetarian with meat added. So cook the meat seperately, and then add it to their portion and you can have yours.

5

I would tell her you are a vegetarian - and a vegan at that - and you don’t expect her to buy separate foods just for you, so if she could bring you to a grocery story shortly after arrival you will get whatever special foods you need. I imagine this might be things like tofu, soy milk, etc., that a “regular” household is not likely to have around.

You should probably explain what a vegan is just so they understand. Also explain that you can eat whatever plain vegatables they prepare but that you can’t have any (whatever) on them.

6

Hmmm…do you eat fish? They might want to introduce you to Southern BBQ, some of the best in the world, and you can get plenty of nice fish down there that works great grilled.

If you eat eggs, you can ask for French toast for breakfast with some great American maple syrup! And, of course, pass them grits! (there is no such thing as ONE grit.) Eat dairy? Well, NC pizza ain’t the best in the country but there’s plenty of veggie pizzas out there, every pizza parlor will have the special vegetable slice. And that famous sweet iced tea is safe.

Otherwise, just ask to go shopping when you arrive and find an Indian or Asian neighborhood–they probably have plenty of vegetarian alternatives. A soul food restaurant would work fine, too, as there’s sweet potato, okra, and other green dishes for you while your friend chows down on the Southern fried chicken. It is true that the # of vegetarians is smaller down there but you’d be amazed at the veggie selection in the larger, more upscale grocery stores. I’m sure some actual Southerners will come along to tell you what they’re named.

I think you’ll have better luck being a plain ol’ vegetarian than a real vegan, though, so loosen up for the trip. Have a great time!

7

I’m not a vegetarian, but I do expect to have to accomodate my guests’ dietary requirements and wishes (as long as I’m made aware of them). You should discuss it with your host before any problem arises; if (between you) you arrive at the conclusion that your requirements will be too difficult for your host to fully accomodate, then perhaps you could offer to help with the cooking/shopping and/or suggest eating out a bit (if this can be done without causing offense).

But definitely talk about it; I assume you’re OK with them eating whatever they want, but you absolutely do need to make your requirements (which may include a lot of things they simply haven’t considered, such as cooking things together in the same pan) crystal clear in advance - don’t allow it to get to the point where you have a plate of food in front of you that you can’t eat. Explain that you feel like you might be labouring the point, but that it’s because you don’t want it to become a big issue later.

8

It may be useful for you, if this is true (don’t lie, of course) to explain to your friend and ask that it be conveyed to your hosts that it’s not just that you choose not to eat meat, but that after a long time of being vegetarian it can cause you significant intestinal distress to eat meat. So they don’t sneak it in on you and cause you to spend a day in the bathroom.

And people in the South have heard of vegetarianism, you know. We have lights and electricity too, and some people even have that newfangled indoor plumbing. Are you staying in a city?

9

Another Carolinian checking in to say that vegetarianism is just as common here as anywhere else. You won’t have a problem getting non-meat products at any grocery store. Inform your friend beforehand that you’re a vegetarian, and it shouldn’t be a problem for her to accomodate you. If issues arise, I recommend picking up a box of cereal.

10

Thanks for all your advice so far people!! I’m making notes!!

:slight_smile:

I’m mainly vegan coz my body reacts badly to all the chemicals/hormones and whatnot that used to be/are still fed to animals (I haven’t eaten meat in 20 years!!) - and for moral reasons too.

I’m also quite shy, so the thought of having to be an inconvenience to anyone (however small!) does make me worry, so all your advice is MOST welcome!!

…

Zsofia: I meant no offence, I’m just going on what info another NC-resident friend of mine told me!! (i.e. that NC is a mostly carnivorous county!!) :wink:

11

slightly off topic-ish intro
I have a similar issue with fish. I never really liked it (though I’m starting to find some of it ok, lately), and used to even hate it. In the days where veggies were much on the rise and in vogue, I found their reasons to not eat meat a lot more appropriate when it comes to not eating fish - in the latter, a whole eco-system is threatened and species of fish are seriously endangered, where in the former, the ‘only’ objection is the way the animals are treated (still highly objectionable in many cases). Fish-farms mitigate the extinction problem, but the amount of sedatives and anti-biotics that need to be added to prevent the fish from stressing out being too high numbers in a too small basin are probably worse than those already used on cattle.

My general take is that if everyone would eat a maximum of 150 grams of meat a week, no matter what kind, we would all receive all the important ingredients you most easily find in meat, enjoy the benefits of the great taste of meat, and at the same time we could pretty much do with free-ranging cattle meat and no longer need the meat-factories.

slightly off topic-ish intro ends

Anyway, my approach to the fish problem has been to clearly express my dislike of fish once, then repeat as needed when food comes up before it is actually cooked. Generally, hosts want to please their guests and so it is rarely a problem. Besides, I am perfectly happy to just eat vegetables. But in some rare cases, when someone has really gone out of their way to prepare a nice meal and the fish is included, I eat the fish anyway. If the fish is not mixed into the food, I will eat around it, or offer the fish to someone next to me who really loves fish (almost everyone does, so that has never been a big problem).

In short, I would stress that “I’m a veggie, and if at all possible, I would really like to avoid eating meat as it makes me feel really uncomfortable.” (you don’t need to state whether or not that is mental or physical comfort - either is equally valid anyway).

That should be enough. If you still encounter a meat meal, it is a matter of weighing polite gratitude for being allowed to be a guest at someone’s table against the oversight of someone who’s failed to take your expressed preferences into account and your own discomfort with eating meat.

I just imagined that someone could probably bring a nice passage from Ms. Manners on this subject to the table … eh … topic.

12

<sigh>

13

Having grown up in the South, my experience is that Southerners are all about hospitality, especially the people of older generations. Even if your friend’s mom has never met a vegetarian in her seventy years, my guess is that she will probably try to accommodate you.

Most of the intolerance I’ve seen was either done out of sheer bigotry or was something that fell along the lines of the Rush Limbaugh/neocon mindset.* No matter how small minded the person is, vegetarianism usually isn’t a big issue.

*Did that make sense? I can write clearly, just not today (apparently.)

14

Sorry, but most of the vegetarians I know do eat fish. My sister-in-law and dad had a nice tuna steak for Easter while the rest of us had pot roast. But the OP can have grilled veggies, yummy!

At least she’s a polite lady and clearly doesn’t have the trait that sometimes gives vegans a bad name–a sense of sniffing superiority over the meat-eaters. THAT never goes over well.

15

Well might you sigh.

As a UK vegetarian who has visited the US recently, I strongly suggest bringing a stock of decent bread with you (if having decent bread is as important to you as it is to me!) as you will not be able to find good bread at a good price nearly as easily as in the UK. Some decent cereal might be worth importing as well.

Words like ‘organic’ have very different (none at all?) meanings in the US to what you or I would be used to.

Most yoghurt will contain gelatin.

Nearly all dairy is produced using ingredients and animal husbandry methods that would be illegal in a civilised country.

While you are in the US, enjoy the spectacle of the obesity epidemic and marvel that so many people can get so very big on such poor food!

OTOH, their beer is good…

Have fun and let us know how it goes…

John

16

Thank you, Cornflakes!!

That’s also what my other chum from NC said!! Southerners are all about opening their doors to visitors and making them feel like they are home-from-home!!

For all I know, my friend could be thinking, “Oh HECK!! Bimble’s a veggie, so we’ve gotta try to figure out what we can FEED her!!”

:smiley:

17

In that case, you don’t know any vegetarians.

18

If you will be staying in the Asheville or Chapel Hill/Durham areas, not to worry. We have lots of vegetarians and even some vegans here in Chapel Hill, it being a university town and all. I’m sure the other larger cities in NC have their share too.

Offer to take your hosts out to dinner a time or two - there are restaurants (such as Sage in Chapel Hill) that are all vegetarian and offer choices that will please them as much as they will you.

19

(Sorry for singling this out, but it’s a good example.)

There might be a few cases where someone accidentally commits a minor faux paus. I’d just write it off as honest ignorance, with no insult intended.

20

The majority of people who call themselves vegetarians don’t eat meat, but do eat fish where I live. That reality makes Mehitabel’s comment a legitimate one, and yours pedantic. :wink: